Well, Gasmii, here we are at the end of our very expensive road. I cannot tell you how much fun it has been traveling the streets of Million Dollar Listing New York with all of you. Your comments, snark, inside scoops, and Freddi luv have filled the weeks here with so much enjoyment. But, before we all get teary-eyed, we have one more jaunt to take with Look Me in the Eye.
Ryan is in the midst of his
debacle Fashion Week after-party at 95 Greene Street. Ryan feels that everyone “they” invited could be a buyer or could be connected to a buyer. If you consider hangers-on, anorexic models, makeup artists, and college kids to be billionaires, Ryan also has a bridge for sale.
We hear the sounds of broken glass, and I am reminded of the days before electricity was invented when I threw a party when Mama S-Natch was out of town. Everything got totally out of hand and the place reeked of stale beer and cigarettes for two months. But, of course, I am not as Rico Suave as Ryan, so I am certain this is going to turn out peachy-keen.
Ken, the owner, now realizes there are over 200 people at the party and wants to end it now. Ryan interviews
nah, nah, boo, boo that the good thing about using your client’s goodwill and 25 million dollar pad against his wishes is that there are a lot of beautiful airheads women around.
AND KEN REMAINS IMPRESSED
Ryan says he will distract Ken with pussy so he will calm down. Sleazeballs.
Ken seems to be falling for it.
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE DICK – EITHER ONE OF THEM
Ryan seeks out the one broker that showed up to the party. She keeps saying the place is “cool” and they arrange for a private showing.
Fredrik is back in NYC. He is having schnitzel out of a truck with his assistant, Justin. Justin convinces Fredrik to try it by describing schnitzel as “hand pounded sausage” – thereby referring to Fredrik’s award winning turn as Tag Eriksson.
GOING THERE ONE MORE TIME FOR YOU, GASMII!
Justin says he met with Marcella, a woman who has a listing on Irving Place. Justin is one lucky duck because he is learning the ropes from Fredrik. Fredrik tells him that he can take the listing on, under Fredrik’s supervision. Fredrik explains that, with junior brokers, he will help Justin and he will get the commission and pay Justin a percentage of it.
JUSTIN IS ALREADY ANGLING FOR A BIGGER PERCENTAGE
Michael is at a broker’s open at Doug’s place in Soho – the one he paid to have staged at his
dad’s own expense. He is having clowns, balloons, and hotdogs.
IN OTHER WORDS, MIKEY IS FINALLY LIVING HIS WET DREAMS
Fredrik calls Justin because he is running late to the Irving Place listing appointment. Irving Street is near Gramercy Park. They meet with Marcella, the owner.
Hate the chandelier – it looks like a frozen tumbleweed. Hahaha – Fredrik calls it a “spaghetti lamp.”
Marcella says she is moving to London, Paris – MILAN!!
YOU KNEW I COULD NOT RESIST (yay Sharon Needles!!)
Marcella wants to ask 3.6 million. Fredrik says he thinks that is too high. Justin argues with him, saying he thinks the price is conservative and they can get more. Fredrik points out that, without amenities like a doorman, $1,800 per square foot is a little too high. Fredrik is unhappy that Justin gave Marcella such an inflated number and tells her she would be a fool to list it for anything over 3.5. Marcella agrees with Fredrik. Fredrick stands to make 70K, Justin 35K.
anxiously professionally awaiting the children who will come to the open house and make his fantasies dreams a reality. Leonard, “the King of Downtown Real Estate,” shows up. He says that he thought the clown was Michael. How right you are, Leonard.
Michael asks some ninety-year old man if he has kids. Finally, a hapless three-year old shows up. She is really cute and seems to have fun getting all the attention. Michael
thanks Bravo for lassoing some poor mom walking down the street pats himself on the back and says that, while every broker can sell a house, very few can sell a home.
Ryan is at the private showing of Ken’s home. Malcomb and Robert come to see it. They complain that the kitchen is too
ugly rustic for their tastes. Malcomb is also too short to see over the privacy wall and says the outside space is too small. Ryan calls HIM rude.
Malcomb also hates the finishes in the house. Ryan expects that he will never hear from them again.
Fredrik is at home when Justin walks in coffee for Fredrik. Fredrik comments that he doesn’t drink coffee. Justin says that he has been working to get a caterer for the Irving Place open house. He says the caterer will run $1,100. Fredrik reminds him that he, Fredrik, is paying for it. Justin goes on to say that they only have 20 brokers coming, but another assistant is calling the top brokers to get more. Fredrik asks him why he isn’t making the calls. Methinks Justin is going down in flames.
Justin says that the Gramercy house will have no AC because of a building problem. Fredrik is starting to panic and tells Justin that he needs to be as obsessive as Fredrik is about having successful showings. Justin says he is not concerned or worried. Fredrik is worried that Justin is a talker and not a listener. Fredrik says he is going to hang in there with Justin rather than fire him off of the listing because that is how his business is going to grow.
Ryan is in his office making calls about Greene Street and getting shot down. Eddie, Ryan’s boss, walks in. Eddie says the event is all over the place and he estimates the cost at 70K to 80K(!!) Eddie asks what they got for their buck. Ryan lies and says, “a lot of good feedback” when we just saw people either not taking his calls or telling them they don’t have anyone to buy the apartment.
I SMELL SMOKING POLYESTER, FOLKS
Eddie is not happy with “feedback.” Eddie tells him he cannot fail now that he has put them all out there. Perhaps Eddie should have thought twice before the invested in a douchebag. Just an observation.
At the open house, Fredrick is looking for Justin as the AC man arrives. He is all dressed in his suit and has to help AC man with the large cooling units. Justin shows up and claims he was there the whole time. Fredrik is unhappy with the way things are arranged, and then he notices that Justin put HIS OWN photo on the listing docs. Hate to say it, but this is probs Freddi’s karma from “leaving Michael’s name off the party invite-gate.”
Justin is helping show the apartment when Fredrik and another broker notice that Justin-the-hapless left the price off of the listing flyer. One more reason to love our Fredrik – he has the patience of a saint – I would have schlepped this guy off on Michael and let them chase each other’s tails ‘til they both turned to butter.
Ryan shows up at Irving Place. Ryan “jokes” that he has come for the free food. Fredrik says that every time he sees Ryan there is trouble. Flashback to his razzing Fredrik about the under-construction property being in Chinatown and his sneaking his card to potential buyers at the Park Avenue open house.
The caterer offers Ryan a drink and Fredrik says that he will be leaving soon, so no need. Ryan says he’ll have a water. Fredrik asks Justin to take some people on a tour and confronts Ryan. He reminds him that he saw Ryan giving out his card. Ryan reminds Fredrik that he interrupted a lunch he was having to give out his own card. Fredrik argues that was not a business environment, but Ryan says it was.
Ryan claims that Gramercy is “his” area. Ryan tells Fredrik that he understands that Fredrik thinks he knows everything, but he has someone for the apartment and he would like to see it. Ryan then tells Fredrik to “look me in the eye.” Fredrik does and tells him to leave.
Fredrik “makes” a phone call telling “his client” that the apartment is great but he is being asked to leave. Fredrik calls BS on the call, as well. Ryan hangs up and says, “Well, that was your buyer. Now we’ll both leave.” Then he gathers up his skirts in a huff and turns dramatically toward the door – slamming it on his way out.
Michael is having a private showing with broker, Yuval. Michael tells Yuval that everything is so quiet in the backyard that it is like living in the country. As a loud weedeater revs up – hahahahahah!
FARMER MIKE LIVES OUT ANOTHER OF HIS FANTASIES – WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO DO MANUAL LABOR
Michael is afraid to take the elevator with Yuval. He says it is like a little coffin and, yes, he is sweating profusely. Yuval makes me laugh. He is Michael’s clone and to listen to them stammer over top of each other is priceless.
A BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER
LOL! As soon as I unpause the show after I typed that, Michael interviews that Yuval reminds him of himself when he was in law school (why he would want to remind us of yet another career he failed at is beyond me, but we all know our little Mikey has very little self-awareness). He calls Yuval “a little eccentric.”
MAYBE HE CAN USE THAT LAW DEGREE TO SUE THE BOTOX DOC ‘CAUSE THAT SHIT AIN’T A WORKIN’
Ryan is back at the party pad for a private showing with Kaptan who is looking on behalf of his buyer. Kaptan stares blankly around. Ryan once again reminds us he is a failed former soap opera actor and goes into a
diatribe monologue designed to elicit a response from the catatonic Kaptan. He explains to him that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Stirring.
Fredrik is at the Gramercy property because Marcella has called a meeting. Fredrik brings a gift of a carrying case for the dog, Lola. Marcella tells them that her deal with Italy is not going well. She is now waffling about selling the apartment. Fredrik is freaking out. Justin tells her that he spent a year
working her hole getting to know her so he could get this listing and they shelled out for an open house. Marcella says, too bad, so sad, and shrugs. Justin starts to beg and Fredrik cuts him off. Fredrik says he hears her and they will be there whenever she is willing to sell. He asks her to remember them if she wants to sell again. Then the dog turns against them, as well.
Yuval shows up at Michael’s office. The listing price is $9.995 million. Yuval offers 7.5 – hahahahahhah! Yuval tells him to call in the offer. Michael says he can’t believe this is the offer he gets after he had an open house with clowns and everything, and he HATES clowns.
LOOKING IN THE MIRROR MUST BE A REAL BITCH, THEN
Michael calls Doug with the offer (cause he has to by law). Doug tells him no go. Michael decides that, since Yuval is
made in his own likeness a stranger he is going to try the comedy lessons that he has been taking out on Yuval. He tells a joke about a real estate broker, a lawyer, and a used car salesman. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do? You shoot the real estate broker twice.
YUP. MY REACTION, TOO
Michael explains that was his attempt at humor. Michael counters with 9 million. Yuval stammers the offer to his clients (which I am beginning to expect more and more are his parents). Yuval comes back with 8.5 million – best and final. Michael feels that kind of jump in the offer is promising for this deal. Michael speaks to Doug and says “How many real estate brokers does it take to sell a townhouse?” Yuval goes, “I dunno.” Michaels says, “Just the two of us.”
They have a deal. Now, wait. WWFD? Freddi would have gone back in after someone made a million dollar jump in one fell swoop and tried to get a little more. I will bet that Michael could have gotten at least 8.7 – 8.9. What do you think, Gasmii?
Michael makes $225,000 out of the deal. He then asks Yuval if he would pay $10 bucks
for a blowjob to see Michael perform at a comedy club. Yuval says, “probably.” Yuval is a liar.
Kaptan meets Ryan for lunch. Kaptan says his buyer is willing to make an offer of $16 million, cash. Ryan tries to argue with Kaptan. He threatens to sell the apartment to someone else and Kaptan falls for it. He calls the buyer and gets an offer of 19.2 million. Kaptan proves himself to be a crappy agent with an awesome accent by saying off the bat that the buyer will not go over 20 mil. WTF – you just upped your client’s offer by four million and you haven’t even made Ryan call it in yet.
Ryan calls Ken and tells him 19.2 million. Ken does not want to go lower than 20. Ryan tells him 19.88 is as high as he can get them. Ryan tells Ken that he can take it or leave it but it’s a good deal. Ryan gets 19.88, best and final. Kaptan the krappy agent calls his client. He accepts the offer for a final commission of $594,000.
Now I am confused about the story @ceejay shared with us last week. Did the deal fall through? Is the story just plain wrong? Did the buyer break it up then sell it? Any scoop out there?
There is a commercial for Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles – yay Josh Flagg and Grandma! Secretary gal Heather turns against Madison and throws a drink on him. Josh the Second stirs some shit and everyone almost gets fired by their clients. Fun times.
The world has tilted on its axis. How to I know? Michael is driving himself!! And calling Daddy. Michael is heading out to the Hamptons and tells Dad he sold the apartment. Michael gets on a private plane because he could not possibly expect to drive himself all the way to the Hamptons.
Fredrik says he sold half a billion in sales this year, but his most pivotal moment was when he met with Klas in Sweden and got to thinking there may be more to life than making money. THEN WE SEE HIS BOYFRIEND!!!! Fredrik says he has opened himself up to love.
His boyfriend calls him “Little Piggy” because he eats so much. Fredrik says he will still be a machine in real estate – except now he will be a machine that is in love. He is glowing.
Surprise! Ryan is having a party in his apartment. He crows about how important the sale was and spends 10 grand on the party to show off. He reminds us that he was a hand model.
MYSTERY SOLVED! The over writing says that only one penthouse sold for a final commission of $189K, so the article was correct. Methinks Kaptan was just in it for the TV time.
That’s it, Gasmii! I have to admit I am a little verklempt at leaving the Big Apple, mostly because it has been so much fun to share it with y’all. Come on over to Revenge if you miss me – I’d love to see you there!
Adios, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehen