I love it when a season comes together and Toddlers & Tiaras did just that this week! This is the Georgia’s Most Beautiful Girls pageant that has an Olympic category – but no torch since they don’t want to burn the hotel down! Wet blankets.
Honey Boo-Boo’s best side!
First up is our Honey Boo Boo child, Alana, and mom Jabba the Hut. This family does not disappoint, what with the mud facials with real mud, scratching fleas, running in circles, eating roadkill named Darlene, using old man glue to keep a recycled infant’s flipper in, their “fruity-fruit” uncle, Frito feet and farting. Do I even need to go on? This family is pure gold!
Next up is the unfortunately named Deseray and her pressure cooker mom who used to do pageants and is bat-shit crazy. You can totally tell Deseray is not only smarter than her mother but will leave home at 18 and never return. Like, NEVER. In fact, she says her mom is trying to relive her teenage years. Amen. Mom is wound waaaay too tightly and takes this very seriously, which is odd since she forgets every damn thing she needs for the pageant. Oh, and she needs to shut the hell up already.
Finally is the MORE unfortunately named Destiny (and hers is the pole) who is a sweet girl but whose mother (and I’m guessing grandmother) do most of their fashion shopping via impulse buying at the registers at their local drugstore. Her mom used to do pageants and said she still would if she weren’t so fat. Why would that stop you? Grandma says they should have gotten tranquilizers for pageant day. Why not just hit yourself hard in the head with the curling iron? That’s what I normally do during these shows.
So, the pageant goes reasonably well until the judges are too stupid to realize that you can’t get a loser award in your age group AND pull out for a higher title. Stupid judges. In fact, the judges were kind of bitchy, they must all be hot-flashing their way through their lives right now, cranky bitches. Again, how hard is it to add? Clearly hard enough that they make their living by judging pageants.
But oh, the Honey Boo Boo and crazy moms…like putting on your favorite jeans and realizing you aren’t out of Doritios. Or Fritos, as Honey Boo Boo’s feet might indicate. Breathe deep!