…your days are numbered.
Prologue: Well everyone, Miss Advised has lived to see another week. I’m sure stranger things have happened, but I’m having a difficult time thinking an example at the moment. I think it’s because HRG is on summer vacation and forgot to cancel it. Plus, his minions at Bravo are probably too terrified to tell them what they really think of this show.I truly believe HRG rules Bravo with an iron fist, and I will never, not even for .0000001 nanoseconds, buy the “aw shucks, post on mah’Twitter, secret drinking word, I eat up even the most miniscule shred of gossip offered during Plead the Fifth, I’m your gay BFF ;- )” routine. I could write another 5,000 words on my conspiracy theories about HRG, but we’ll save that for when Miss A gets canceled and I don’t have a show to cover anymore ;- )
The recap from last week’s cringefest shows Julia asking “what is wrong with me?!” interspersed with scenes of her begging the dude from her double date to give her a kiss. Oh honey, there isn’t enough space on the internet, so let’s just get on with the recap.
Emily (San Francisco)
Standard first Emily scene of her at her radio show. I have a feeling the studio airs this thing at like 3 AM because it’s cheaper than having to buy ad space or play static. Once again, the topic of discussion is how past relationships can affect present ones. Seminal. In case you forgot, Emily’s show is unique because San Francisco is the only place in the galaxy where one can speak publicly about such a topic without fear of persecution.
Menace, her co-host, says Emily has relationship issues because her parents divorced when she was young. I think we need to do some more research on Menace and how he ended up on HRG’s payroll, because someone with his name/appearance seems like they should be hosting a show about zombies or something. I understand that parental relationships have a significant impact on how their children deal with such things (I took a intro-level psych course, so I know what I’m talking about). HOWEVER, I’m a little sick of people who use that as a blanket excuse for every misbehavior/offense in a relationship.
Anyway, Easy E is going to Michigan to visit her family, and if the previews I’ve been seeing all week are any indication, it’s going to be nothing short of riveting. Before she leaves, she speaks with a childhood friend on the phone. Emily is asked if she remembers some dude named David Rubin — of course, he was her fifth grade crush! Evidently he is newly, and to the shock of the entire population of Michigan, divorced. I’m sure his ex-wife in particular is thrilled their dirty laundry is being aired on this show. Luckily for her, there are only like four people watching.
In Michigan, Emily is staying with her mom and stepdad. The gist of this scene is her mom says Emily can’t even take responsibility for a houseplant, she’s missed out on things because of her career, and what is the age cut-off for freezing one’s eggs? Back up….a few episodes ago, we learned mom’s the one who taught Emily the importance of having a career and money to fall back on if a relationship doesn’t work out. So why is she guilt tripping the girl now?
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Amy (not THAT Amy, but Emily’s childhood friend) shows up. Once again the dreamy David Rubin is the topic of conversation. David Rubin sounds like the guy all the girls idolized in school, but is now an overweight loser with no prospects in life. Also, he’s one of those people you always feel compelled to call by their full name. Childhood friend Amy calls him and, much in the manner of a 13 year old, asks if he would like to go out with Emily. Yes? No? Maybe? Circle one. ;- )
They do go out, and when we finally get to see David Rubin I can’t say is the Adonis we’ve been led to believe he is. He is wearing a lime green North Face fleece, because they’re in Michigan and therefore he must be outdoorsy.
My North Face is for show, not actual inclement weather.
He tells Em he was married for 10, or maybe 11, years. It’s just so hard to keep track. He did not want to get divorced, but he f-ed up. Promising. But, if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t be sitting here with Emily now. On Bravo. So, ya know.
Emily’s time with David is pleasant and enjoyable. Oh wait, we’re dealing with a 7th grade mentality level here, so I should say she likes likes him. When she gets back to San Fran, she’s going to use white-out to write their initials in hearts ALL OVER her Five Star binder.
Emily’s final scene is also the final scene of the episode, and because I want us to have a relationship built on trust and mutual respect, I’m going to be honest and tell you I was doing a crossword puzzle by this time. However, my attention was briefly recaptured as the two began discussing anal sex. Or, to quote David Rubin, who used the scientific, mature adult term, “sex in the butt.” This solidifies David Rubin’s place as one of the top 10 most charming people ever to grace mankind, so Emily invites him to spend a weekend with her in San Francisco.
You had me at “sex in the butt.” Swoon.
Typical first Amy scene of pretending to be Patti Stanger at work.
[Side note: have you all been seeing the previews for the “Love Broker” show that’s coming back? Remember it was cancelled after two episodes a few months ago? I just find it funny that it’s being advertised as a “new series,” as if HRG can will us all into having collective amnesia]
ANYWAY. Amy’s on the phone with a client who is singing her praises as a matchmaker, and that she’s going to refer everyone she’s ever met to Amy’s agency. Amy laments that she hasn’t heard from Lewis, the younger guy she went out with/had a stroke in front of last week when he suggested……when he suggested……..I can’t even type it, it’s too horrible.
One more try. Lewis suggested……they SPLIT A CHICKEN POT PIE. Amy’s reaction would have suggested she just learned she was on a date with a mass murderer. So, she’s understandably shocked that Lewis still hasn’t called.
Satan in pie form.
Fortunately, we’ll still get to see Amy make an ass out of herself in front of a man this week, as some friends have apparently decided to set her up with someone. Soo…the matchmaker needs to be set up, insert cliche about irony here. Potential date Tim calls — he’s 30, which once again breaks her younger man rule. Amy not only breaks her own rules, but acts like the people she’s breaking them for are on a par with someone who’s name rhymes with “Mitler.”
Amy suggests they go out to eat, so she can once again turn someone off by revealing her potential eating disorder. As she gets ready for her date, she calls herself a spinster. Nothing like walking into a date with a healthy dose of confidence. Once she meets Tim, she says he’s not her type physically, but I’m sure she’ll end up stalking him by the end of the episode. Cause that’s how she rolls.
She didn’t really care for Tim as a potential suitor, but she wants to matchmake him. Nothing of significance happened on this date, except that Amy looked straight haggard. But I saw her consume like 4 pieces of lettuce AND a sip of water, so I guess we can put our eating disorder suspicions to rest.
That’s it for Amy, except for that little mini-scene during one of the commercials. She’s getting Botox, which seems unusual for someone with such admirable self-esteem.
JULIA GOOLIA (LA)
Inexplicably, Julia has a manager, Steven, whom she is meeting up with. She tells us he’s not JUST a manager — he’s also a pal and a “con-FEE-dant.” (And yes, you are meant to read that to the tune of the Golden Girls.)
“I put the em-PHA-sis on the wrong syl-LA-ble.”
She tells Steven she’s doing “awful” because she was just on the phone with Page Six. The Page Six peeps are claiming Julia is harassing her ex, Jack McCain (son of John) with texts, phone calls, emails, and just behaving like a general stalker. This is less shocking than the “news” re: Anderson Cooper’s sexuality.
Julia alleges that she broke things off with Jack, because she didn’t want to be a military wife (he’s some type of pilot). I’m finding this all very difficult to believe. I’m sure the Senator and his icy-looking wife Cindy did not consider Julia someone you could bring to meet heads of state. Julia Goolia says people always twist everything she does into something negative — well, look at your behavior, how can we not?!!!
Recall Julia’s meeting with the editor from Elle magazine last week. Steven said he spoke with the editor about her writing, and it’s “fine,” though Julia is too concerned with what other people think (translation: your run-of-the-mill preschooler has greater literary talent). Steven calls Julia phony and inauthentic. During this scene I realize Julia resembles a low-rent Emma Stone.
Sorry, I’m not savvy enough to do a side-by-side thing.
Next, Julia meets up with a “love coach” named Annie, both as an interview subject and cause she just really, really needs love coaching general. Julia admits she is a desperate trainwreck, but this doesn’t make her endearing — it’s worse because she knows it and doesn’t do anything about it. Although I will say at least Julia possesses, like, .00006 ounces of self-awareness about this kind of stuff. Amy is just completely clueless. Julia and the love coach (why can’t I be one of the people who make a living by slapping a vague title on a career based on utter bullshit?) discuss Julia’s date with an “entrepreneur,” or at least someone who’s played one in the local theater and posted their resume on Craigslist.
The love coach tells her to behave like “Neferteri” (relative of Nerfertiti? and overall an odd reference to make), and gives Julia a bunch of rules for the date, including not laughing, and not leaning forward. Huh?
In order words, this is your new role model.
I think I disliked that woman more than Julia, which can only mean the earth has fallen off its axis and the apocalypse is nigh.
Julia meets up with her date, William. They are going on a bike tour of a the city, cute idea. Is this the gay guy that was recruited to date her? Julia’s not sure if he’s into her, but that probably has little to do with his sexuality either way. They go to dinner, Julia bumps her leg, and demurely drops about 14 F-bombs. William tells her he knows she’s a blogger. Julia hates that word. She’s a JOURNALIST. Once again, Julia asks 5,000 questions that are not first-date appropriate. She keeps trying to follow the love coach’s advice and not laugh or lean forward. I think more useful advice would be to behave like a generally sane person rather than the two extremes of either the American Gothic lady or typical Julia.
Later, Julia is writing on a Mac laptop. OMG SHE’S JUST LIKE CARRIE BRADSHAW!!!!!!! The love coach shows up again. Julia said the coach’s rules made her uncomfortable, and my IQ drops 50 points as I once again find myself agreeing with Goolia. The love coach uses the word authentic in all its forms about 8,000 times to describe Julia, and says Julia’s problem is she has too much shame. Uhh…I’m not the one with a fake title here, but I think the problem is she doesn’t have enough.
Love coach makes Julia pull up the Reblogging Donk website Big Lamb linked us to a few weeks ago! I’m excited in a six degrees of separation type of way. Julia starts crying as she and the coach agree she’s a self-absorbed, narcissistic, princess. Coach pets her and tells her to keep crying. By this point, I was so buzzed all I wrote about to sum up this scene was that it was all very bizarre.
Final Julia thought: Where was JP, our only ally, this episode?
Epilogue: I think I find Emily the least offensive because I recap her segments first, and in comparison to the other two, she might as well be Susan B. Anthony. It’s all relative.
The previews for next week show Julia on a second date with William (HRG must have given him a raise) during which they’ll be riding horses. I’ll leave the inevitable comparisons to the Reblogging Donk webmaster.
Also, If I mysteriously disappear, can one of you make sure HRG’s alibi is checked and double checked? I think he knows I’m onto him…
“Workin’ on mah’alibi.”
See you in the comments, and have a safe/happy Fourth!!!!
Pillania ;- )