Miss Advised Recap: Desperation Is as Desperation Does

Recaps

By Pillania | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 | 10:51 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Miss Advised, Recaps

“We have no idea what we’re talking about”

Prologue: Now that he has conquered the worlds of housewives, takeovers, and lifestyle makers, His Royal Gayness (HRG) Andy Cohen is hell-bent on cornering the market on dating and matchmaking. Turn on Bravo on a random weekday morning (not that I ever do that…) and there’s a pretty good chance they’ll be marathoning Millionaire Matchmaker. Perhaps you vaguely recall the network’s most recent dating show, Love Broker, but most likely, you don’t — it lasted all of two episodes and featured a woman with a voice more irritating than Rosie Pope’s. HRG seems determined to make us love dating shows, much in the manner we love our Housewives, Jeff Lewis, Tabatha, Rachel Zoe, and Fredrik Eklund. SO, I’m thrilled to be able to recap Bravo’s newest foray into chronicling the dating world, Miss Advised ;- ) …yes the emoticon is part of the title ;- ). Let’s hope for your devoted recapper’s sake that it fares better than “Love Broker,” and the similarly titled Miss Match (a short-lived 2003 series starring Alicia Silverstone). 

The series follows three women in three different cities: Emily (San Francisco), Amy (NYC), and Julia (LA by way of Chicago). It’s clear from the start that each woman has a different view on dating; they all have different careers as well. To simplify things, I’m going to chronicle each thread separately. Please let me know in the comments if this works for you ;- )

In the meantime, I’ll try to stop emoticon-ing ;- ) …damn it!

EMILY (San Francisco)

When first we meet Emily, she is on the phone with her mom talking about a recent date with a bisexual Jewish man. Her mom is scandalized, so Emily must be the Samantha Jones of this crew.

“I’m Samantha. I have sex with everyone.”

Emily hosts the creatively titled “Sex with Emily” radio talk show. She’s all about better, more adventurous sex. She looks like Courteney Cox circa the later seasons of “Friends,” and sounds like Jenni from the Jeff Lewis shows. She claims to be a “sex expert,” citing the following as her credentials: reading every sex and dating book on the market, and meeting/sleeping with some of the authors. I read every Harry Potter book and once met J.K. Rowling (full disclosure: I didn’t sleep with her), so I guess that makes me a wizard.

Her show was originally a podcast, but apparently it was so groundbreaking she was offered a radio slot. Now she has a book coming out and ahhhh, the ol’ product push — now we understand your willingness to appear on Bravo.

The radio show takes place in what seems to be a 5×10 foot room with the hosts sitting at a formica table with no visible computer, phone, or radio equipment of any kind. I’m sure Ryan Seacrest’s studio looks just like it.

On this installment of “Sex with Emily,” Emily claims monogamy is an epidemic. Her sidekick/cohost, the mysteriously named Menace, says she always bashes monogamy. Seems like Emily may have some underlying issues here… She says they’ll also discuss threesomes today. Emily tries to make us think that San Fran is the ONLY place where one could speak openly about such topics, and that all of this is very scandalous and groundbreaking. It probably would have been 20 years ago.

“Ross and Rachel: Will they or won’t they? Don’t tell me. I’m only up to season three.”

We see Emily at a party for her book, the equally thoughtfully titled “Hot Sex.” She’s thrilled so many people showed up — I’m sure the presence of Bravo cameras had little to do with that. For those that care, “Hot Sex” contains illustrated pictures of people having sex. The only illustration we see is of a guy with a leg over his shoulder, but thanks to some color commentary, there’s evidently also a picture of someone with their head disappeared up someone’s ass. Hot indeed!

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Pillania
About

Picture the most luxurious lifestyle you could imagine, then multiply that by 50.

Now you have begun to understand Pillania, a hypochondriac/grad student/waitress/TV watcher who recently moved back in with her parents while she completes her degree program. She is constantly getting into jams, including but not limited to being "trapped" in the garage of people for whom she was housesitting, causing an accident inside of a car wash, and spilling soda all over her state representative's head whilst serving him at the restaurant.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 11:36 am

    @Pillania, great recap. Unfortunately, your description of the show is what I expected and I don’t plan to make this weekly viewing (Glass House & Tanisha Gets Married take precedent), but I never understood the purpose of taking dating advice from bitter, desperate single women incapable of a relationship.

  2. 2
    LadySC
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    I couldn’t even get through the promos for this show they annoyed me so much. God (or whatever you believe in)bless you for actually watching this and recapping it. I got halfway through the recap and thought geez this is even worse than i could have imagined.

  3. 3
    labowner
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    So I guess there is no tip-toeing around this show via being nice in the recap because it is a Gasmii show? Forgot this was on. Great recap Pillania (any relation to Millania?) that will have me coming back for more. I don’t like Emily (current SF resident) and WTF Julia are you doing to us transplanted Chicagoans? Does she not know most of the flat land transplants to California are in the LA area?

    A fucking 9 page blog to start off Julia? Go to hell. Emily – 5 pages, join Julia. At least Amy’s is only 2 pages.

  4. 4
    Not JP
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Hilarious.

    Julia Allison seems completely mental. Your recap is way more interesting than the show which was a snore and bore-fest.

  5. 5
    AlexaF
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Well, he has to be a good photographer, because she loves taking pictures of herself, as evidenced when one does a Google search.

  6. 6
    maryedith
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I didn’t watch this show, but this recap reminded me of “Girls” — the show itself and the shitstorm of media fawning/condemnation surrounding it. Poor feminism.

  7. 7
    Dawn Key
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Brilliant recap, Pillania. What did the loud one do to her face? If she has a 73 point checklist, 71 of the points better be “has vital signs” and the other two should be “blind” and “deaf.”

  8. 8
    Honeybee
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Didn’t watch the show but LOVED the recap. I know a girl like Julia; she is 34 years old and never had a serious relationship. Now in my humble opinion, girls like this seem to think that they are soooo much better than they actually are (prettier, smarter, classier etc). When the truth is they are not that attractive, fairly dull, completely bitchy and in all not that fun to be around. I mean who wants to be with someone that is looking for all the ways you don’t measure up? Nobody. In fact all it does it magnify all of your worst attributes to someone who is trying to get to know you.

  9. 9
    Big Lamb
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Oh honey, one word (well, URL) for you: http://www.rebloggingdonk.com

    Read it; trust.

  10. 10
    Shannon
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    I can’t tell if Julia is maybe secretly just doing this to be famous? Can she really be clueless enough to think that she’ll a. find someone that meets even half the 73 points on the checklist and then will b. date her when she looks/acts/sounds (super deep voice – does she smoke?!) like she does?

    I’m totally watching this trainwreck!

  11. 11
    Pillania Pillania
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Thank you for the kind words, all. Much appreciated especially given the fact this is not exactly HRG’s magnum opus.

    I feel it’s necessary to let you know that my beloved television COMPLETELY DIED ON ME THIS MORNING. I kid you not. Even inanimate objects are pissed about being exposed to this show.

    @labowner, Milania is my homegirl ;- )

    @Big Lamb, thanks for that link — fascinating. Since I have no TV at the moment, I will definitely be reading the archives this evening. After I finish reading the Atlantic Monthly, of course ;- )

  12. 12
    labowner
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    What a headache inducing site Big Lamb.

  13. 13
    Honeybee
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    @biglamb – holy cow. It took a while to get the site, but it’s one giant “I hate you” note to Julia Allison. She is REALLY disliked. Not to mention that the Craigslist date guy was an actor, and a future date is actually gay.

  14. 14
    SnoopK8 snoopk8
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Hilare recap! I totally forgot this show was on, but it sounds like I will need the economy size pinot noir to get thru it.

    Julia apparently co-wrote this NY Post article a few months ago talking about being disillusioned to find out that life in NYC isn’t actually like Sex & the City and that’s why she was leaving. Dumbass.

    http://tinyurl.com/83xc6e7

  15. 15
    infomarshall
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 1:11 am

    Whoa, back up a second — Julia was in NYC, too? So she left Chicago to be Carrie Bradshaw, failed, and moved back home. She couldn’t find any single men in Chicago who were over 20 and under 60. So the next logical choice for her husband hunt is… LA?!? Wow. She’s not too bright, is she? I don’t think her problem has a geographical solution.

  16. 16
    mere2142
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Great recap – love the LuAnn/Cuntess reference – but this show was SOOO boring. And Julia was a whackjob. I don’t know how long I can watch this mess.

  17. 17
    bbwraven
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    First of all I want to thank you for saving me from this crap. Everytime the commericals come one I cringe on how LAME these women (and I use that term loosely) seem to be. They sound ubber pathetic and serious issues….have enough of that why waste my time watching TV about it.
    Over all AWESOME review, made me feel like I watched it but without the pain.

  18. 18
    Tmurda
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 7:31 am

    @Honeybee- LUV YOU. You hit the nail n the head in your breakdown of “Julia-type” chicks. DEAR JULIA..73 on your list, huh? Well, i’d say 99% of men have a standard and reasonable 2-item list of 1) Hot/pretty, and 2) Great personality, soooo…..seeing as you don’t even meet the 2-point criteria of pretty much the entire male population, you might want to consider a more realistic expectation of any man who even makes it past your first convo still willing to go on a date with you. She “dumped” that guy with such a redic “OMG, I know i’m totes breaking your heart right now,but you just don’t measure up, and I’m too honest to allow you to fall more in love with me” tone in her voice, and it made me want to punch her in the face…HARD.
    Sexpert Chick (I already forgot her name and don’t care) is ok, I suppose. Aside from how “in-your-face” every person who’s line of work involves talking about sex (including this one), she is at least doesn’t fall into the catagory of “delusional” with the other two. She might grow on me.
    Amy (is that right? Jesus, these bitches are irrelevent) is a moron, and after watching her for about 2mins, I concluded that moving to S.audi Arabia in order to escape from her isn’t actually the worst idea I have ever heard. Of course she went to dinner with him. I’m no relationship expert, but I can take-a-hint….especially when said hint is that THE MAN FUCKING MOVED ACROSS THE PLANET AND DIDN’T TELL YOU!!! I actually felt bad for the guy. Some chick is obsessed with you, even after blowing her off completely, so how bout take her to dinner, probably get laid, and be on tv for a few mins? Why not? The answer is because she is crazy and still thinks there’s a chance you just got scared off (TO SAUDI ARABIA!)due to feeling something for her too quick, so she’s actually going to spend the ENTIRE meal trying to have a serious discussion about who did what in a relationship that never actually existed, then respond to your NON-response with creepy compliments. I doubt he couldve even gotten hard enough to bang her after that scene, so he was prob relieved by her excuse to decline the sex.
    My point is, what kind of world do we live in where a person can decide they will be officially known as an “expert” in something they have nothing in their personal life to back it up? If you ask me, Amy and Julia are more like the experts in what NOT to do, and made almost every classic mistake in the book during the FIRST episode! WTF, Bravo. I all-of-sudden miss the hell outta Patti, turkey-chin and eyeroll-worthy one liners and all!

  19. 19
    Mimi
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    I truly can’t stand Amy Laurent. She is the nightmare that every guy has about his date -and she is a matchmaker?!? She acted like drinking hot chocolate was the equivalent of eating a pound of fat and returning it because it had whipped cream in it was priceless. I guess that 30 calories was worth looking like a shallow, insecure and pathetic freak?! I hope that she watches this show and sees herself for the empty shell of a person she actually is.

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