Miss Advised Recap: Desperation Is as Desperation Does

Recaps

By Pillania | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 | 10:51 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Miss Advised, Recaps

Her brother Michael shows up at the book party. Awkward? Or supportive? You be the judge. Menace asks if he’ll appear on the radio show. Michael agrees, but only if he doesn’t have to discuss his own sex life. The next day (or whenever, who knows with Bravo editing), Michael guest stars on the show. He thinks Emily has relationship issues because she is not open to commitment. Menace agrees. They continue analraping her (for those not in the know, it’s a combination of analysis and therapy), but Emily says she’s been focused on her career because her mom taught her not to rely on a man to take care of her. PREACH.

Later, Emily goes to dinner with her brother. He says she’s too skinny. Emily, not relishing that at all, gushes that everyone says that! People who do a one hour radio show at a 1950s kitchen table don’t have time to eat! Clearly concerned with her health, Michael instantly changes the subject to business. He says Emily sabotages her relationship and her career as well. They both blame their mom, who made the mistake of teaching her daughter the importance of having one’s own money/career to fall back on lest a relationship doesn’t work out. What a monster. How these two were not rescued by DSS is a testament to the failures of the system.

In an attempt to be edgy and cool, Emily then tells her brother he should get a cock ring. And this concludes the Emily portion of our episode ;- ) 

AMY (NYC)

“I advise others how to act, but don’t follow my own rules. Hey, maybe I should run for the legislature!”

Amy is a New York City matchmaker. I wonder if she knows that woman from Love Broker. To help us understand HOW.BUSY.SHE.IS, we see her waking up at 5:30 am. She receives a voicemail from a matchmakee about a successful date, and interviews a potential matchmakee in her office. It’s all very Patti Stanger-esque. She tells us there are proven rules for dating, etc, etc. Those of you who A) watch Patti Stanger or B) go on real dates will be familiar with the rules, some of which Amy shares with us: don’t ask someone out via text, don’t discuss an ex on the first date.

“No shit, Sherlock.”

Amy says most people think she is cold, and that she is a tightly-wound bitch. Definitely qualities I associate with rainbows, hearts, flowers, and true love. If I were to visit a matchmaker, I would want her to be a 90 year old fairy godmother-type woman who lives in an old library with an equally ancient shaggy dog. Not that I’ve ever given this more than four seconds — the same amount of time it took Emily to name her radio show and book — worth of thought.

Amy hasn’t had sex in a year, yet continues to tell others how they need to behave in order to get laid. At the beginning of the episode, she also claimed her rules work…she just can’t follow them. It’s like taking parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have a kid. Or medical advice from someone who watches Grey’s Anatomy. Or something like that.

She meets up with a friend named Lorenzo, telling him she got an email from her ex, the even more mysteriously-named “AB,” the other day. Who could it be? Anthony Bourdain? Alec Baldwin? Anyway, Amy, the relationship expert, is unsure if she should get together with AB, so she asks the random friend how to respond.

Remember when Chandler Bing pretended to move to Yemen to escape his annoying girlfriend Janice? In a plot straight out of Friends, one day, AB up and moved to Saudi Arabia. A person doesn’t just decide to move halfway around the world on a whim, man. Did I mention he moved there WITHOUT TELLING AMY? Where do I sign up for her services?

AB made the short jaunt from Saudi Arabia to run the NYC Marathon. Amy shows up at the marathon with a gaggle of girlfriends to “support him as a friend.” She even made him a sign. He appears onscreen and his hair — oh my god, his hair. It is straight out of a Roman bathhouse. In a not-staged-at-all moment, AB just happens to saunter past her, spot her, and stop to hug her. He doesn’t even look sweaty. I’m fairly certain the only running he did was within the lens range of the Bravo camera. Even still, he can’t get away from Amy and her crew fast enough.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5
Pillania
About

Picture the most luxurious lifestyle you could imagine, then multiply that by 50.

Now you have begun to understand Pillania, a hypochondriac/grad student/waitress/TV watcher who recently moved back in with her parents while she completes her degree program. She is constantly getting into jams, including but not limited to being "trapped" in the garage of people for whom she was housesitting, causing an accident inside of a car wash, and spilling soda all over her state representative's head whilst serving him at the restaurant.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 11:36 am

    @Pillania, great recap. Unfortunately, your description of the show is what I expected and I don’t plan to make this weekly viewing (Glass House & Tanisha Gets Married take precedent), but I never understood the purpose of taking dating advice from bitter, desperate single women incapable of a relationship.

  2. 2
    LadySC
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    I couldn’t even get through the promos for this show they annoyed me so much. God (or whatever you believe in)bless you for actually watching this and recapping it. I got halfway through the recap and thought geez this is even worse than i could have imagined.

  3. 3
    labowner
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    So I guess there is no tip-toeing around this show via being nice in the recap because it is a Gasmii show? Forgot this was on. Great recap Pillania (any relation to Millania?) that will have me coming back for more. I don’t like Emily (current SF resident) and WTF Julia are you doing to us transplanted Chicagoans? Does she not know most of the flat land transplants to California are in the LA area?

    A fucking 9 page blog to start off Julia? Go to hell. Emily – 5 pages, join Julia. At least Amy’s is only 2 pages.

  4. 4
    Not JP
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Hilarious.

    Julia Allison seems completely mental. Your recap is way more interesting than the show which was a snore and bore-fest.

  5. 5
    AlexaF
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Well, he has to be a good photographer, because she loves taking pictures of herself, as evidenced when one does a Google search.

  6. 6
    maryedith
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I didn’t watch this show, but this recap reminded me of “Girls” — the show itself and the shitstorm of media fawning/condemnation surrounding it. Poor feminism.

  7. 7
    Dawn Key
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Brilliant recap, Pillania. What did the loud one do to her face? If she has a 73 point checklist, 71 of the points better be “has vital signs” and the other two should be “blind” and “deaf.”

  8. 8
    Honeybee
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Didn’t watch the show but LOVED the recap. I know a girl like Julia; she is 34 years old and never had a serious relationship. Now in my humble opinion, girls like this seem to think that they are soooo much better than they actually are (prettier, smarter, classier etc). When the truth is they are not that attractive, fairly dull, completely bitchy and in all not that fun to be around. I mean who wants to be with someone that is looking for all the ways you don’t measure up? Nobody. In fact all it does it magnify all of your worst attributes to someone who is trying to get to know you.

  9. 9
    Big Lamb
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Oh honey, one word (well, URL) for you: http://www.rebloggingdonk.com

    Read it; trust.

  10. 10
    Shannon
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    I can’t tell if Julia is maybe secretly just doing this to be famous? Can she really be clueless enough to think that she’ll a. find someone that meets even half the 73 points on the checklist and then will b. date her when she looks/acts/sounds (super deep voice – does she smoke?!) like she does?

    I’m totally watching this trainwreck!

  11. 11
    Pillania Pillania
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Thank you for the kind words, all. Much appreciated especially given the fact this is not exactly HRG’s magnum opus.

    I feel it’s necessary to let you know that my beloved television COMPLETELY DIED ON ME THIS MORNING. I kid you not. Even inanimate objects are pissed about being exposed to this show.

    @labowner, Milania is my homegirl ;- )

    @Big Lamb, thanks for that link — fascinating. Since I have no TV at the moment, I will definitely be reading the archives this evening. After I finish reading the Atlantic Monthly, of course ;- )

  12. 12
    labowner
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    What a headache inducing site Big Lamb.

  13. 13
    Honeybee
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    @biglamb – holy cow. It took a while to get the site, but it’s one giant “I hate you” note to Julia Allison. She is REALLY disliked. Not to mention that the Craigslist date guy was an actor, and a future date is actually gay.

  14. 14
    SnoopK8 snoopk8
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Hilare recap! I totally forgot this show was on, but it sounds like I will need the economy size pinot noir to get thru it.

    Julia apparently co-wrote this NY Post article a few months ago talking about being disillusioned to find out that life in NYC isn’t actually like Sex & the City and that’s why she was leaving. Dumbass.

    http://tinyurl.com/83xc6e7

  15. 15
    infomarshall
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 1:11 am

    Whoa, back up a second — Julia was in NYC, too? So she left Chicago to be Carrie Bradshaw, failed, and moved back home. She couldn’t find any single men in Chicago who were over 20 and under 60. So the next logical choice for her husband hunt is… LA?!? Wow. She’s not too bright, is she? I don’t think her problem has a geographical solution.

  16. 16
    mere2142
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Great recap – love the LuAnn/Cuntess reference – but this show was SOOO boring. And Julia was a whackjob. I don’t know how long I can watch this mess.

  17. 17
    bbwraven
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    First of all I want to thank you for saving me from this crap. Everytime the commericals come one I cringe on how LAME these women (and I use that term loosely) seem to be. They sound ubber pathetic and serious issues….have enough of that why waste my time watching TV about it.
    Over all AWESOME review, made me feel like I watched it but without the pain.

  18. 18
    Tmurda
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 7:31 am

    @Honeybee- LUV YOU. You hit the nail n the head in your breakdown of “Julia-type” chicks. DEAR JULIA..73 on your list, huh? Well, i’d say 99% of men have a standard and reasonable 2-item list of 1) Hot/pretty, and 2) Great personality, soooo…..seeing as you don’t even meet the 2-point criteria of pretty much the entire male population, you might want to consider a more realistic expectation of any man who even makes it past your first convo still willing to go on a date with you. She “dumped” that guy with such a redic “OMG, I know i’m totes breaking your heart right now,but you just don’t measure up, and I’m too honest to allow you to fall more in love with me” tone in her voice, and it made me want to punch her in the face…HARD.
    Sexpert Chick (I already forgot her name and don’t care) is ok, I suppose. Aside from how “in-your-face” every person who’s line of work involves talking about sex (including this one), she is at least doesn’t fall into the catagory of “delusional” with the other two. She might grow on me.
    Amy (is that right? Jesus, these bitches are irrelevent) is a moron, and after watching her for about 2mins, I concluded that moving to S.audi Arabia in order to escape from her isn’t actually the worst idea I have ever heard. Of course she went to dinner with him. I’m no relationship expert, but I can take-a-hint….especially when said hint is that THE MAN FUCKING MOVED ACROSS THE PLANET AND DIDN’T TELL YOU!!! I actually felt bad for the guy. Some chick is obsessed with you, even after blowing her off completely, so how bout take her to dinner, probably get laid, and be on tv for a few mins? Why not? The answer is because she is crazy and still thinks there’s a chance you just got scared off (TO SAUDI ARABIA!)due to feeling something for her too quick, so she’s actually going to spend the ENTIRE meal trying to have a serious discussion about who did what in a relationship that never actually existed, then respond to your NON-response with creepy compliments. I doubt he couldve even gotten hard enough to bang her after that scene, so he was prob relieved by her excuse to decline the sex.
    My point is, what kind of world do we live in where a person can decide they will be officially known as an “expert” in something they have nothing in their personal life to back it up? If you ask me, Amy and Julia are more like the experts in what NOT to do, and made almost every classic mistake in the book during the FIRST episode! WTF, Bravo. I all-of-sudden miss the hell outta Patti, turkey-chin and eyeroll-worthy one liners and all!

  19. 19
    Mimi
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    I truly can’t stand Amy Laurent. She is the nightmare that every guy has about his date -and she is a matchmaker?!? She acted like drinking hot chocolate was the equivalent of eating a pound of fat and returning it because it had whipped cream in it was priceless. I guess that 30 calories was worth looking like a shallow, insecure and pathetic freak?! I hope that she watches this show and sees herself for the empty shell of a person she actually is.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.