Her brother Michael shows up at the book party. Awkward? Or supportive? You be the judge. Menace asks if he’ll appear on the radio show. Michael agrees, but only if he doesn’t have to discuss his own sex life. The next day (or whenever, who knows with Bravo editing), Michael guest stars on the show. He thinks Emily has relationship issues because she is not open to commitment. Menace agrees. They continue analraping her (for those not in the know, it’s a combination of analysis and therapy), but Emily says she’s been focused on her career because her mom taught her not to rely on a man to take care of her. PREACH.
Later, Emily goes to dinner with her brother. He says she’s too skinny. Emily, not relishing that at all, gushes that everyone says that! People who do a one hour radio show at a 1950s kitchen table don’t have time to eat! Clearly concerned with her health, Michael instantly changes the subject to business. He says Emily sabotages her relationship and her career as well. They both blame their mom, who made the mistake of teaching her daughter the importance of having one’s own money/career to fall back on lest a relationship doesn’t work out. What a monster. How these two were not rescued by DSS is a testament to the failures of the system.
In an attempt to be edgy and cool, Emily then tells her brother he should get a cock ring. And this concludes the Emily portion of our episode ;- )
“I advise others how to act, but don’t follow my own rules. Hey, maybe I should run for the legislature!”
Amy is a New York City matchmaker. I wonder if she knows that woman from Love Broker. To help us understand HOW.BUSY.SHE.IS, we see her waking up at 5:30 am. She receives a voicemail from a matchmakee about a successful date, and interviews a potential matchmakee in her office. It’s all very Patti Stanger-esque. She tells us there are proven rules for dating, etc, etc. Those of you who A) watch Patti Stanger or B) go on real dates will be familiar with the rules, some of which Amy shares with us: don’t ask someone out via text, don’t discuss an ex on the first date.
“No shit, Sherlock.”
Amy says most people think she is cold, and that she is a tightly-wound bitch. Definitely qualities I associate with rainbows, hearts, flowers, and true love. If I were to visit a matchmaker, I would want her to be a 90 year old fairy godmother-type woman who lives in an old library with an equally ancient shaggy dog. Not that I’ve ever given this more than four seconds — the same amount of time it took Emily to name her radio show and book — worth of thought.
Amy hasn’t had sex in a year, yet continues to tell others how they need to behave in order to get laid. At the beginning of the episode, she also claimed her rules work…she just can’t follow them. It’s like taking parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have a kid. Or medical advice from someone who watches Grey’s Anatomy. Or something like that.
She meets up with a friend named Lorenzo, telling him she got an email from her ex, the even more mysteriously-named “AB,” the other day. Who could it be? Anthony Bourdain? Alec Baldwin? Anyway, Amy, the relationship expert, is unsure if she should get together with AB, so she asks the random friend how to respond.
Remember when Chandler Bing pretended to move to Yemen to escape his annoying girlfriend Janice? In a plot straight out of Friends, one day, AB up and moved to Saudi Arabia. A person doesn’t just decide to move halfway around the world on a whim, man. Did I mention he moved there WITHOUT TELLING AMY? Where do I sign up for her services?
AB made the short jaunt from Saudi Arabia to run the NYC Marathon. Amy shows up at the marathon with a gaggle of girlfriends to “support him as a friend.” She even made him a sign. He appears onscreen and his hair — oh my god, his hair. It is straight out of a Roman bathhouse. In a not-staged-at-all moment, AB just happens to saunter past her, spot her, and stop to hug her. He doesn’t even look sweaty. I’m fairly certain the only running he did was within the lens range of the Bravo camera. Even still, he can’t get away from Amy and her crew fast enough.