Later that evening, AB calls Amy to invite her to dinner. She interviews that if a client were describing this situation to her, she would make them tell their ex to go screw themselves. So of course she says dinner sounds great! Amy broke her own rule because she thinks AB is going to tell her he’s moving back and that he made a mistake by letting her go. Amy. Do you understand he moved to another country?!?! A country that is not even close. A country that is located in one of the most volatile regions of the world was preferable to continuing to date you in NYC. All without telling you. WITHOUT TELLING YOU.
As she gets ready for her date, Amy says what’s the worst that could happen — “I’ll fall madly in love with him all over again?” Does AB’s restraining order cover him in Saudi Arabia as well? At the restaurant, Amy suggests they order a drink, because no one ever fought with or had ill-advised sex with an ex because of alcohol.
Throughout dinner, Fatal Attraction stares at AB longingly and tells us in an interview she won’t call him on the way he ended their relationship. I’m certain he’s about to tell her he’s engaged. The whole editing of this sequence is very Hills-like, a technique I’m happy Bravo is embracing. Amy confesses she thought she’d marry him, to which AB nods politely. Still grasping at straws, she tells him she forgives him. He says thanks and bestows upon her a fake half-smile. She tells him he’s really cute. OMG. A 13 year old could handle this situation more successfully.
Somewhere between Middle Eastern politics and the Greek economy on the stability scale.
To her credit, Amy admits via interview she’s in over her head and she overestimated how much she was over him. In true douchebag fashion, AB asks her if she wants to continue the night together. Amy finally earns a point by saying she has to work tomorrow.
I saved the best for last, people. And by best, I mean biggest trainwreck. If you thought Amy was cringeworthy…meet Julia. Julia is a dating columnist/Carrie Bradshaw wannabe. It is my journalistic duty to mention here that the only journalistic training Julia shares with us is that she wrote a column for her high school newspaper.
She interviews that she was once voted the most hated person on the Internet. I don’t recall participating in or hearing about this poll, but I’m fairly certain I would have cast my vote Julia’s way as well.
“Do I remind you of the nutjob from Wedding Crashers?”
In Chicago, she’s been living in her parents’ condo. Without her parents. For free. Julia whines about how much it sucks that they won’t let her paint the walls or something. As someone who had to move back to her parents house — the same one her parents live in — to pay for grad school, I’m finding it difficult to muster up any sympathy for Julia’s plight. She’s en route to the family home to bid farewell to her mom, dad, and grandma. Her parents are really cute. Her dad made a list about the mom with pluses and minuses while they were dating, but there were way more pluses than minuses. Aww. ;- ) Julia, on the other hand, has a 73-point checklist for a husband which includes reading the Atlantic Monthly and being a great photographer. Because you might as well be married to a serial killer if he reads People and accidently puts his thumb in front of the lens from time to time.
“I have no appealing qualities, but will expect you to meet every piece of criteria on this list.” Seems reasonable.
Worth noting: Julia’s last relationship was with John McCain’s son, Jack. She claims she broke it off but I’m sure Papa John didn’t approve for political reasons. Julia does not seem like someone you could bring to the roller derby, let alone a Republican fundraiser. Anyway, before Julia leaves, Grandma offers one last piece of prescient advice: men can smell desperation. A taxi shows up, and I am not exaggerating at all when I say no one seems remotely sad this girl is moving 1000+ miles away. They’re all basically like, peace. The grandma didn’t even bother to come outside. As the episode unfolds, we totally come to understand why.