Miss Advised Recap: Have the Lambs Stopped Screaming?

Recaps

By Pillania | Tuesday, July 31, 2012 | 9:36 am | 13 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Miss Advised, Recaps

Evidently, Emily didn’t plan anything for his trip from Michigan (???), but he would like to go to Napa. Emily goes shopping for some new pants with “assistant” Kelsi as well as an “intern” named Tiana. Even Sonja Morgan’s interns seem more legitimate and necessary than Emily’s out-of-thin-air helpers. She needs her ass to look great in Napa. Insert obvious sex in the butt joke here….

She goes with the leather pants, because those are the most comfortable option for traipsing around a vineyard, consuming lots of wine, and needing to be pee all day. Before she leaves for the trip, Emily checks in with her fake friend Ruby, and gives her the 411 on all things DR. I’m not sure where he is during this phone call, but I will assume he was getting his production notes from HRG’s minions. Emily tells Ruby she wants to take her time before having sex with him. I’m sure he feels the SAME way after traveling from Michigan, arranging a trip to Napa, and likening her to a prostitute.

He picks her up shortly thereafter, so I guess he wasn’t staying with her? Anyway, as the Emily portion of the episode comes to a close, I come to three realizations:

1. I am fully on board with Momi’s theory that these two were already dating before filming began.

2. If you’ve been reading the recaps, every week I’ve been dying to see more of David Rubin. Deep down, I kind of expected him to be a tosser, but for some reason it’s more disappointing than the fact that my junior prom date/love of my 17-year-old life was, in fact, gay. Bollocks!

3. How will I make it through the week wondering what will happen when shit hits the fan on the Napa trip? And to clarify, the Napa trip to which I am referring involves people named Guidice, Manzo, Laurita, and Gorga.

AMY (NYC)

HRG must have exhausted his footage of Amy pretending to be Patti Stanger at work, because she’s meeting with a woman named Kelly, a digital video producer for the iVillage website. Amy’s going to be doing a series of webisodes re: the dating world. She’ll answer questions from a sprinkling of iVillage’s 16 members, expanding her reputation for giving bad advice to a larger audience than ever before.

“Hoping this goes well so I get a call from MySpace or Friendster next.”

 Amy is a natural, reading in a monotone off an index card, and making no eye contact with the camera whatsoever. Today’s question asks how to deal with a broken heart. Well, the first thing one must do is seek advice from strangers on online message boards. Amy can really relate because this “just” happened to her. This is a blatant reference to Lewis, the actor with whom she went on LESS THAN THREE DATES, EACH OF WHICH WAS SHITTIER THAN THE LAST. Amy says to amputate the whole situation, to move forward, a stitch in time saves nine, time heals all wounds, and every other cliche possible.

Later, Amy is at the gym trying to work off the piece of pie she ate at the apple orchard last week. We’ve seen her trainer before — I remember because he called her a desperate loser in so many words, and joined the ranks of JP and Menace as one of the few tolerable people on this show. She is super stressed today over getting back into dating after her serious, long-term relationship with Lewis ended.

She gets into some kind of chin-up war with a conveniently placed gym rat. Did you all have to take that presidential physical fitness test thing every year in school? I could do two chin-ups, because the trick for the first one was to use momentum to jump and pull your body up over the bar. I used to rock the shuttle run, though.

Sorry, I digress. Chin-up dude is named Kevin. In a not-rehearsed-at-all monologue, he asks Amy what she would say if he told her he was 36, single, and would like to take her out sometime. He says that from what he’s seen of her exercise bulimia (this is a real disorder, people, I wrote a paper about it in college), he can tell that she’s got a really good sense of humour. Other people whose good humour Kevin appreciates: the couple in the American Gothic painting, Oscar the grouch, Grumpy the dwarf, the Grinch, Bill O’Reilly, Ebenezer Scrooge, the Wicked Witch of the West, Queen Elizabeth.

“Sod off, Pillania.”

One of Amy’s 46,000 rules is not to date anyone from the gym, so naturally she agrees to go out with Kevin. Their first date is also at the gym, and she seems a little weirded out by it. Well, you hate food and are obsessed with burning calories, so this should be up your alley. What they’re actually doing is rock climbing, and whoever planned out all the dates for this show deserves some kind of compensation, HRG.

This kind of pisses me off, because it reminds me I bought a Groupon for rock climbing and never used it. This always seems to happen to me with fitness-related Groupons. I’ve bought others for cardio kickboxing and boot camp that ended up expiring. Never have a problem using the food-related ones though… ;- )

At first Amy is opposed to to the idea, because as we’ve come to learn, she hates anything resembling fun. Off camera, HRG’s minions tell her to suck it up and put on her trainers if she wants to be invited back for season two. Kevin scales the wall in about 9 seconds, and Amy says it was easy for him because his legs were so buff. Perhaps if your muscles weren’t atrophied from your eating issues, you would have the strength to make it up the wall as well. 

Just pretend there’s a chicken pot pie at the top.

 Amy does make it to the top of the wall, and when Kevin gives her a hug afterwards, she said the gesture “blew her mind.” ???? Whatever, yo. The date continues at a juice bar. Kevin asks if she’s into something fruity?

“And by that, I mean myself.” ;- )

Pages: 1 2 3 4
Pillania
About

Picture the most luxurious lifestyle you could imagine, then multiply that by 50.

Now you have begun to understand Pillania, a hypochondriac/grad student/waitress/TV watcher who recently moved back in with her parents while she completes her degree program. She is constantly getting into jams, including but not limited to being "trapped" in the garage of people for whom she was housesitting, causing an accident inside of a car wash, and spilling soda all over her state representative's head whilst serving him at the restaurant.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    Catherine
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Amy Laurent/Baetjer From Bravo’s Miss Advised Is Still Hooking
    Posted in Dirty News, Santa Monica, The Dirty, UCLA

    THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik here’s a Photo of her old hooking website: [removed]  Photos from some of her old hooker ads:[removed]/[removed].  Now hooking via this ad: Morgan Ashley is an exotic actress and model who has had a successful career in mainstream television, appears in several national print ads, and who you may recognize from a variety of film roles. Best known for her gorgeous and striking features, Morgan is a definite must-see among those VIP’s who are looking for their dream girl!  She is described as “the brunette-lover’s dream” and is much more than just a pretty face.  Bright, fun and beautiful, Morgan has a zest for life and has been propelled to the top of the list among the country’s elite including high-powered CEO’s and prominent businessmen.  Morgan especially appeals to those with extremely high standards and is the preferential choice for business moguls, celebrities, lawyers, bankers, politicians, sports figures, and entrepreneurs. For a limited time, Morgan is available for exclusive engagements with affluent gentlemen who meet requirements. Whether it be joining you on your business trip, accompanying you to your formal event, jetting to a romantic vacation locale, or simply enjoying a quiet dinner for two, Morgan brings into any venue unforgettable appeal and style unlike any other. Discretion is always guaranteed.  Smart, sexy and drop-dead gorgeous, Morgan is someone you will be proud to have on your arm and is ideal for those accustomed to nothing but the very best!  See her while you can, as she is only available several months out of the year.  Serious requests only. All completed “request for meeting” forms will be considered. Please be prepared for a screening process. Initial contact is through e-mail only!! click here for her absurb price list. <–1.5 mil for a year

    Amy was a regular in LA who went by the name Anna before she upgraded her prices name to Morgan Ashley. Sorry for killing the links but I refuse to promote her business, unlike Bravo.- nik

  2. 2
    labowner
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    What the? A whore and Andy’s minions didn’t find this out. Who does the background checks? Wow oh wow. Awesome gossip Catherine.

    How did we miss the WWHL with all three of them? Wow is Emily a stuck up bitch.

    Amy is coming out with a book on how to survive the first 8 weeks of dating. Those who can’t do, write?

    Pillania glad you are on the mend. Chin up, tally-ho.

  3. 3
    Catherine
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    It was posted on thedirty.com yesterday, I couldn’t get a link to just that article so I copied and pasted it. I guess the pics didn’t come up. But if you go to the site there’s a link that has her price list. She’s a high priced ho fo’ sho!

  4. 4
    featherhead
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Damn. How stupid of her to do the show – she’s gotta know people will find any skeletons hiding in your closet. I wonder if Nads knows ‘she was working on that show as a producer I think.

  5. 5
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I found myself sucked into this trainwreck show… Did these women know they’d be edited this way? It’s one of the saddest reality shows I’ve ever watched. And I can’t tell which girl is the saddest…

    As for the escort ad — there’s no proof it’s her (and the description sure as hell doesn’t match) and the pic is just a random shot of her talking to a guy in a bar (whose face isn’t even blurred out — you’d think he’d want a bit of discretion is he’s on a date with an escort?), so for now I’m just assuming this is part of the weird hatred these women inspire.

  6. 6
    NikkiHughes
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    Man, I actually like watching this show…..it’s like a psychology assignment. Julia was my fave in the beginning, but now I realize she is just sad. :( She wants SO much to be in love, that she falls for every guy she meets almost instantly and then gets crushed. It’s kinda painful to watch. I feel bad for her.

  7. 7
    NotWithoutMyTV NotwithoutmyTV
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 5:09 am

    So in short, Amy has attended the Tiny Manzo School of Advice for the Distance Learner?

  8. 8
    labowner
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Itchy I am going to assume Amy has enough resources to go after that site legally if what they printed wasn’t true. Until I see that, I am going to believe Amy had/has a side job.

  9. 9
    itchy itchy
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Sorry, but that’s just not proof enough. I realize this woman’s delusional, but even she wouldn’t describe herself as “drop dead gorgeous”. And she’s too much in the public eye to pull off the discretion a high-priced escort would need anyway.

    Methinks it’s probably this guy, or someone like him: http://gothamist.com/2010/05/27/man_sues_matchmaker_for_failing_to.php

    Besides, it’s hard to take anyone who spells absurb as “absurb” seriously.

  10. 10
    labowner
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Besides, it’s hard to take anyone who spells absurb as “absurb” seriously.

    What?

  11. 11
    itchy itchy
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Have you seen my avatar?

  12. 12
    itchy itchy
    Posted August 2, 2012 at 2:41 am

    But yes, how absurd that I typed “absurb” while ragging on someone else for typing “absurb!” But I assume the person behind that blog has a way of editing his/her typos. I don’t. Sniff.

  13. 13
    ddem
    Posted August 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    I am just glad this abortion of a show is over.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.