Evidently, Emily didn’t plan anything for his trip from Michigan (???), but he would like to go to Napa. Emily goes shopping for some new pants with “assistant” Kelsi as well as an “intern” named Tiana. Even Sonja Morgan’s interns seem more legitimate and necessary than Emily’s out-of-thin-air helpers. She needs her ass to look great in Napa. Insert obvious sex in the butt joke here….
She goes with the leather pants, because those are the most comfortable option for traipsing around a vineyard, consuming lots of wine, and needing to be pee all day. Before she leaves for the trip, Emily checks in with her fake friend Ruby, and gives her the 411 on all things DR. I’m not sure where he is during this phone call, but I will assume he was getting his production notes from HRG’s minions. Emily tells Ruby she wants to take her time before having sex with him. I’m sure he feels the SAME way after traveling from Michigan, arranging a trip to Napa, and likening her to a prostitute.
He picks her up shortly thereafter, so I guess he wasn’t staying with her? Anyway, as the Emily portion of the episode comes to a close, I come to three realizations:
1. I am fully on board with Momi’s theory that these two were already dating before filming began.
2. If you’ve been reading the recaps, every week I’ve been dying to see more of David Rubin. Deep down, I kind of expected him to be a tosser, but for some reason it’s more disappointing than the fact that my junior prom date/love of my 17-year-old life was, in fact, gay. Bollocks!
3. How will I make it through the week wondering what will happen when shit hits the fan on the Napa trip? And to clarify, the Napa trip to which I am referring involves people named Guidice, Manzo, Laurita, and Gorga.
HRG must have exhausted his footage of Amy pretending to be Patti Stanger at work, because she’s meeting with a woman named Kelly, a digital video producer for the iVillage website. Amy’s going to be doing a series of webisodes re: the dating world. She’ll answer questions from a sprinkling of iVillage’s 16 members, expanding her reputation for giving bad advice to a larger audience than ever before.
“Hoping this goes well so I get a call from MySpace or Friendster next.”
Amy is a natural, reading in a monotone off an index card, and making no eye contact with the camera whatsoever. Today’s question asks how to deal with a broken heart. Well, the first thing one must do is seek advice from strangers on online message boards. Amy can really relate because this “just” happened to her. This is a blatant reference to Lewis, the actor with whom she went on LESS THAN THREE DATES, EACH OF WHICH WAS SHITTIER THAN THE LAST. Amy says to amputate the whole situation, to move forward, a stitch in time saves nine, time heals all wounds, and every other cliche possible.
Later, Amy is at the gym trying to work off the piece of pie she ate at the apple orchard last week. We’ve seen her trainer before — I remember because he called her a desperate loser in so many words, and joined the ranks of JP and Menace as one of the few tolerable people on this show. She is super stressed today over getting back into dating after her serious, long-term relationship with Lewis ended.
She gets into some kind of chin-up war with a conveniently placed gym rat. Did you all have to take that presidential physical fitness test thing every year in school? I could do two chin-ups, because the trick for the first one was to use momentum to jump and pull your body up over the bar. I used to rock the shuttle run, though.
Sorry, I digress. Chin-up dude is named Kevin. In a not-rehearsed-at-all monologue, he asks Amy what she would say if he told her he was 36, single, and would like to take her out sometime. He says that from what he’s seen of her exercise bulimia (this is a real disorder, people, I wrote a paper about it in college), he can tell that she’s got a really good sense of humour. Other people whose good humour Kevin appreciates: the couple in the American Gothic painting, Oscar the grouch, Grumpy the dwarf, the Grinch, Bill O’Reilly, Ebenezer Scrooge, the Wicked Witch of the West, Queen Elizabeth.
“Sod off, Pillania.”
One of Amy’s 46,000 rules is not to date anyone from the gym, so naturally she agrees to go out with Kevin. Their first date is also at the gym, and she seems a little weirded out by it. Well, you hate food and are obsessed with burning calories, so this should be up your alley. What they’re actually doing is rock climbing, and whoever planned out all the dates for this show deserves some kind of compensation, HRG.
This kind of pisses me off, because it reminds me I bought a Groupon for rock climbing and never used it. This always seems to happen to me with fitness-related Groupons. I’ve bought others for cardio kickboxing and boot camp that ended up expiring. Never have a problem using the food-related ones though… ;- )
At first Amy is opposed to to the idea, because as we’ve come to learn, she hates anything resembling fun. Off camera, HRG’s minions tell her to suck it up and put on her trainers if she wants to be invited back for season two. Kevin scales the wall in about 9 seconds, and Amy says it was easy for him because his legs were so buff. Perhaps if your muscles weren’t atrophied from your eating issues, you would have the strength to make it up the wall as well.
Just pretend there’s a chicken pot pie at the top.
Amy does make it to the top of the wall, and when Kevin gives her a hug afterwards, she said the gesture “blew her mind.” ???? Whatever, yo. The date continues at a juice bar. Kevin asks if she’s into something fruity?
“And by that, I mean myself.” ;- )