Miss Advised Recap: Hell of the Ball

Recaps

By Pillania | Tuesday, July 17, 2012 | 10:30 am | 18 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Miss Advised, Recaps

Okay. This is my issue with Emily. Amy and Julia are just generally awful, but my growing problem with Emily is that she hosts this “groundbreaking” sex show that is supposed to be based on all these out-of-the-norm sexcapades she’s had, and has made multiple references to these experiences in her confessional scenes. But when it comes to going to a strip club or being propositioned for threeways, she freezes up. I’m not saying she has to do EVERYONE who asks her, but her reactions just don’t seem to jive with the way she’s been trying to present herself. She mentions again how everyone pales in comparison to the magical David Rubin anyway (I bet he sparkles when he takes off his shirt).

Wherefore art thou, David Rubin?

Later on, when she talks to the friend who set up the date, the friend tells Emily she had NO IDEA that Zach had been dating someone for all that time. Allow me to translate: Later on, when she talks to the producer who set up the date, the producer feigns shock and tells Emily she had NO IDEA the actor they hired to date her had a real-life girlfriend.

That concludes the Emily portion of our episode. Where is the Rubinator?! The suspense, people. THE SUSPENSE.

AMY (NYC)

Riiiight….

I’ve noticed Bravo plays the same public domain orchestra music they used for Alex and Simon on RHONYC during some of Amy’s scenes. She’s playing Patti Stanger again, calling this dude Tim she went on an uneventful dinner date with a few weeks ago. She didn’t hit it off with him because she kind of sucks, but has decided to make him her pet project.

We also see a close-up of a 14-inch text message Lewis sent her. I never read messages that long. If you need your memory refreshed — I’m sure you’ve thought about nothing but this show all week, but just in case — Amy went on two rather terrible dates with Lewis in recent weeks. First, they went ice skating and she freaked out over the calories in whipped cream and chicken pot pie (the devil’s dish). Second, she creepily confronted Lewis for not texting her for a day on their salsa date.

Back to the present: Her business partner, Jay, walks in. This is the first we’ve seen of this woman. Amy reads Jay the text, analyzing absolutely every component of it, include Lew’s use of parenthesis and winky faces. Hey! Winky faces are my thing! ;- )

Anyway, the Lewis text basically attempts to make light of Amy’s mini-freakout during the salsa date, but of course Amy takes extreme offense to his teasing. He also invites her out for the following week. She responds “yes that sounds like fun :) ” and tells Jay her response was “super flirty.” ????? That response was almost identical to what I texted my brother the other day when he invited me to IHOP. So, yeah, not flirty. Like at all. And everyone knows regular smiley faces are beyond over. It’s all about the winks now ;- )

Next we are treated to a truly fascinating scene of Amy hanging a bunch of shit on her wall. Jay’s helping her, and asks when she last had sex. Amy reminds us it’s been over a year, but that she won’t be a girl and over-think things with Lewis.

Lost-(RIP)-esque flashback of Amy analyzing his text, grammatical marks included, five minutes ago.

Now, Amy’s friend Tamae is over. Lots of new faces this episode. T-bone is going to help Amy get dressed for the Lewis date. Amy doesn’t want to appear high maintenace (Lost flashback of Amy having a breakdown over chicken pot pie). Amy meets up with Lewis at a restaurant and immediately asks him an insecure question about whether her cardigan is too sparkly. Is he sure it’s okay? Should she take it off? This girl has negative self esteem. She says she can order a burger because she allows herself to eat red meat once a week. Why must she say that and make herself look like more of an ass? Just get the goddamn thing and shut up. But…Amy actually orders the burger. My head explodes.

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Pillania
About

Picture the most luxurious lifestyle you could imagine, then multiply that by 50.

Now you have begun to understand Pillania, a hypochondriac/grad student/waitress/TV watcher who recently moved back in with her parents while she completes her degree program. She is constantly getting into jams, including but not limited to being "trapped" in the garage of people for whom she was housesitting, causing an accident inside of a car wash, and spilling soda all over her state representative's head whilst serving him at the restaurant.

18 Comments

  1. 1
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

    I have never seen this show. I don’t WANT to ever see this show. But I hope it airs FOREVER because the recaps absolutely make my day. Thank you for this. THANK YOU. ;-)

  2. 2
    labowner
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Pill if I didn’t know any better it seems recapping this show is punishment for you. Fark you Bravo gods for turning Julia into the more likeable one. WTF?

    Emily is a typical all talk girl and Amy is just insane.

  3. 3
    Oaklandish
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    To be fair, G. Newsom was single at the time of his dalliance with Ruby. (She, however, was not.)

  4. 4
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Andyourlittledogtoo, ITA! However, I actually watched/endured the first 3 episodes and just couldn’t take anymore! Pillania, I’m a huge fan when it comes to your recaps! I so admire your writing skills! Thank you!

  5. 5
    Alexandra Tsaritsa
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I dunno, I’m not sure if Julia knows she is awful. She seems to lack a key amount of self-awareness, and all these people telling her that she is fine the way she is isn’t helping.

    Amy seems very sad to me. If anything, I think she over-analyzes everything she does and has a huge amount of self-awareness, but little to no self esteem. I pity her, and hope that she can find happiness.

    Julia, on the other hand, I hope she finds a comfortable padded cell.

  6. 6
    Momi
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    I love, love your recaps! I actually can’t wait when I read them. I think Emily was with Rubin before the show and is just pretending she is single. She is boring to me, and she is talking way too fast (reminds me of Frankel). Amy is hopeless case! She really seems sedated most of the time and very depressing. Julia is just crazy and some guys like it. I also thought when I saw her for the first time she is the eldest of them all but now I think it’s Emily. Anyway, please make more recaps of other shows. I love your writing Pill ;-)

  7. 7
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    This show (and your recaps) reminds me of that old internet ‘forward’ The Difference Between Men and Women. Since I have always tended to think more like a man (I’m not) that whole overanalyzing and irrational obsessing that some women do both astounds me and amuses me. And when you recap it so beautifully, it is like my whole known universe makes perfect sense and is reaffirmed. That is one of the reason I like these shows (or their recaps): they are like a weird anthropological study for me. Women in the Wild. As a woman, I find it utterly fascinating.

  8. 8
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    I don’t think anybody goes on an actual “date” date to try to score another girl for their fantasy 3-way. Don’t you just kind of lurk around Craigslist for that? Or get one of the firlfriend’s friends really, really drunk?

    I detect the sour-milk odor of producer shenanigans.

  9. 9
    Pillania Pillania
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Thanks for all of your kind words! I heart you all and turn into a big ol’ winky face when I read your comments.
    ;- ) ;- )

    notwithoutmytv…I agree with your comments about Craigslist, and it’s been reported that at least one of Julia’s dates (“Craigslist Justin,” the guy who helped her move that she treated like an a-hole) was an actor found on the site. Clearly HRG was clutching the pursestrings when it came to hiring talent….

    Momi…I like your theory about Emily and the Rube. Stealing it for next week’s recap… ;- )

  10. 10
    Occupy Donkeytown
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Great post, LOLing all the way. I can’t watch this show–I mean, I could, I just can’t bear the idea. But I like your wrap ups so much. It’s “jibe” not “jive.” Can’t wait til next week!

  11. 11
    OutHouseCat
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    That was LOL for five full pages. This is the funniest recap I’ve read in months, literally. Thanks, Pillania. You made my night.

    As to Julia, you don’t have to be Sigmund effing Freud to figure her out. She’s so afraid somebody will get to know her, then reject her, that she throws up all these ridiculous road-blocks so nobody ever likes her to start with. It’s easier to be rejected from day one than to be stomped on after an emotional investment. That girl is going to have a lonely life if she doesn’t grow some self-esteem.

    The other two…whatever. Dull. Boring. I can’t wait for David Rubin to scream out a double word score while he’s doing Emily in the butt. Maybe it’ll perk Em up. There’s no hope for the one on the perpetual diet of low carbs and downers.

  12. 12
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Just in case there is someone in the universe who has not read this Dave Barry story, here’s a link to The Difference Between Men and Women. I hate referencing things like this and then leave the uninitiated wondering:

    http://www.blameitonthevoices.com/2008/05/difference-between-men-and-women-in.html

  13. 13
    jackie
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Jesus effing key-rist julia!!! You.are. insane. This girl should never, ever, wonder why she is single. She’s totally right about feeling unlovable, mainly unlikeable really, that is all she projects from every pore of her obnoxious ass!

  14. 14
    Catherine
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Does anyone else think that Julia is modeling her dating life off of the bachelor/ bachelorette? That’would probably be a good career move for her since all those guys would pretend to like her.

  15. 15
    mellyrel
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 2:26 am

    I think Amy’s ‘Rules’ are just things she read in Cosmo anyway. Nothing groundbreaking in her rulebook. Its a mish mash of ‘The Rules’ and some standard Cosmo columns plus I guess she did some research watching Sex and the City. She doesn’t seem to have any qualities that make a good matchmaker. Patti Stanger is a good judge of character and she is smart and funny. Amy is none of the above. I really think she only decided to become a matchmaker in order to meet men for herself, and then passes the ones she does’t like onto her her female clients. Then regurgitates a whole lot of stuff she has read about dating. thats why her personal actions are so far away from her ‘advice’. I can’t see how she can be doing her business any favours by being on this show.
    I read an article where Amy says she throws away around 1/2 of the female applicants she gets and that the men are paying to see photos. Knowing Amy’s blatant body issues/preferences I bet she only picks girls that are variations of herself- skinny, privileged bitches that would rather choke than swallow a mouthful of carbs. and then she says she picks guys who look like Ben Affleck but some ‘have good hearts’ i guess that means the ones who arent 1% body fat, guys like Tim who she seemed to think was on the lower end of the scale. WTF this chick is crazy. I cant stand her.
    Watching the scene in the diner, my computer kept freezing.. it allowed me to see some interesting expressions on Amy’s face. She was glaring, baring her teeth and bug-eyed staring at Lewis and that was before he started calling her out. She is so nasty, eeew.
    She also says in promo material, “She is Founder & President of the Amy Laurent International Agency, and is consistently ranked as one of the top modern matchmakers in Manhattan, Los Angeles, Miami, and London’
    Ranked by whom in London exactly?

  16. 16
    Grasmeregirl
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    LMAO. I LOVE your recaps!! I just saw this newest effort of BRAVO’s today and think it’s a total hoot. These three “experts” don’t have a clue about much and no self-control of their own behavior! All three act like shallow, fourteen year-old dittoheads. (What are their qualifications? What numbskulls hired them as Experts?? ) All three are too childishly insecure about themselves to be advising anybody.

  17. 17
    NYCBabyMama
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Ok I’m a few weeks behind as I’m watching this on-demand, but I’m up to this episode, so here I go. 

    AMY – the least likable, yet I know people like this in NYC.
    1) No way in hell is Amy 32 or 34 or whatever age she is trying to pass herself as. I’m guessing in the 38-42 arena. Even with that Botox, she still looks like my friend’s mother. 

    2) I’m from Manhattan, I dated heavily on the slick singles scene for 16 years before getting married (without the help of a matchmaker.) I knew and used the rules and rarely broke them. But at her age to break them? With all her practice over 20 years? Dating a kid???  Was she actually upset about Lewis after 2 dates? Amy is misguided in her career because she could be the next Meryl Streep! She didn’t actually think she was in the same league as Lewis? That couldn’t have been acting, as I  think she really was upset. Which means she will never find love because she dusts off men in her league because she claims they “aren’t her physical type.” News flash Amy… Lewises are everywoman’s type! That doesn’t mean you are their type. Those men date YOUNG tall model types and rarely want a relationship, last I checked, you were around 40 and not close to being a model.

    Whew, now that I got that off my chest, the others:

    Julia. Ah Julia. Quirky, yes. Crazy, no. I don’t hate her, I think she’s much more likable than Amy, but she does make me cringe with embarrassment –but in a good way. Excellent casting producers. Problem is the only guy that will be able to handle her loud, brash, bizarre, unique, (I could go on and on) behavior is somebody else who is all of the above. She should date an artist or somebody with a miniature mouse collection (Dinner with Schmucks.) What’s with all these cute guys the producers keep finding for her to date? Obviously not on her wavelength and preprogrammed for disaster. Ok producers, I get what you’re doing over and over! Loud and clear! 

    Unfortunately the ones who are her type, the quirky ones, are a small demographic. I think she’d benefit greatly with online dating to weed those types out. But this isn’t real life which takes me too…

    Emily. I like her. She seems the most “normal” and the brightest. I like that she is somewhat traditional for a sex show host. But I find her entire storyline somewhat boring and over-produced. I think it’s the least authentic. 

  18. 18
    Weespud
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    I have been watching the show and I have been curiously, addictedly and accepting this excrutiatingly painful and embarrased half hour as a mere pass-time before i go to bed.. (..alone.. the man-less 30 something that I am) ..(who is now proudly defining her whole being as ‘somewhat satisfied’ because ‘ at least I am not THAT bad at living my life’ ..). Then! I found your reviews online! I have decided the way forward is to forget the actual show and just read your comprehensive and amusing retelling. I can gloat, cringe AND laugh outwardly at our shared vision of what it is to be MissAdvised. You are providing the same, nay!, more joy, in under 15 minutes! I can get to bed, alone, even quicker than before! but with a wicked smile on my face. I THANK YOU!

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