Okay. This is my issue with Emily. Amy and Julia are just generally awful, but my growing problem with Emily is that she hosts this “groundbreaking” sex show that is supposed to be based on all these out-of-the-norm sexcapades she’s had, and has made multiple references to these experiences in her confessional scenes. But when it comes to going to a strip club or being propositioned for threeways, she freezes up. I’m not saying she has to do EVERYONE who asks her, but her reactions just don’t seem to jive with the way she’s been trying to present herself. She mentions again how everyone pales in comparison to the magical David Rubin anyway (I bet he sparkles when he takes off his shirt).
Wherefore art thou, David Rubin?
Later on, when she talks to the friend who set up the date, the friend tells Emily she had NO IDEA that Zach had been dating someone for all that time. Allow me to translate: Later on, when she talks to the producer who set up the date, the producer feigns shock and tells Emily she had NO IDEA the actor they hired to date her had a real-life girlfriend.
That concludes the Emily portion of our episode. Where is the Rubinator?! The suspense, people. THE SUSPENSE.
I’ve noticed Bravo plays the same public domain orchestra music they used for Alex and Simon on RHONYC during some of Amy’s scenes. She’s playing Patti Stanger again, calling this dude Tim she went on an uneventful dinner date with a few weeks ago. She didn’t hit it off with him because she kind of sucks, but has decided to make him her pet project.
We also see a close-up of a 14-inch text message Lewis sent her. I never read messages that long. If you need your memory refreshed — I’m sure you’ve thought about nothing but this show all week, but just in case — Amy went on two rather terrible dates with Lewis in recent weeks. First, they went ice skating and she freaked out over the calories in whipped cream and chicken pot pie (the devil’s dish). Second, she creepily confronted Lewis for not texting her for a day on their salsa date.
Back to the present: Her business partner, Jay, walks in. This is the first we’ve seen of this woman. Amy reads Jay the text, analyzing absolutely every component of it, include Lew’s use of parenthesis and winky faces. Hey! Winky faces are my thing! ;- )
Anyway, the Lewis text basically attempts to make light of Amy’s mini-freakout during the salsa date, but of course Amy takes extreme offense to his teasing. He also invites her out for the following week. She responds “yes that sounds like fun ” and tells Jay her response was “super flirty.” ????? That response was almost identical to what I texted my brother the other day when he invited me to IHOP. So, yeah, not flirty. Like at all. And everyone knows regular smiley faces are beyond over. It’s all about the winks now ;- )
Next we are treated to a truly fascinating scene of Amy hanging a bunch of shit on her wall. Jay’s helping her, and asks when she last had sex. Amy reminds us it’s been over a year, but that she won’t be a girl and over-think things with Lewis.
Lost-(RIP)-esque flashback of Amy analyzing his text, grammatical marks included, five minutes ago.
Now, Amy’s friend Tamae is over. Lots of new faces this episode. T-bone is going to help Amy get dressed for the Lewis date. Amy doesn’t want to appear high maintenace (Lost flashback of Amy having a breakdown over chicken pot pie). Amy meets up with Lewis at a restaurant and immediately asks him an insecure question about whether her cardigan is too sparkly. Is he sure it’s okay? Should she take it off? This girl has negative self esteem. She says she can order a burger because she allows herself to eat red meat once a week. Why must she say that and make herself look like more of an ass? Just get the goddamn thing and shut up. But…Amy actually orders the burger. My head explodes.