Miss Advised Recap: Love Potion Number Whine

Recaps

By Pillania | Tuesday, July 10, 2012 | 9:09 am | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Miss Advised, Recaps

Then the witch has her write down everything she does wrong in relationships, which really isn’t fair to all the trees that are going to have be killed to support this endeavor. Julia also has to list 10 things she’d want in a partner. In case you forgot, Julia has a 73-point checklist any potential suitor must meet, so this’ll be a piece of cake.

Witchay woman kind of knows what she’s talking about, as she points out having so many criteria makes you unable to see the person before you. They put the list in a cauldron and burn it, and because I’m thinking about Gollum now, it’s all very Lord of the Rings to me.

Julia must meet a second witch, who is in charge of sealing the Gollum in a mini-coffin. Even Julia admits she is such a wreck that she needs the help of, like, every witch on Bravo’s payroll. Julia must go somewhere where she feels peaceful and bury the coffin this serene space.

JP, Julia’s roommate/the only voice of reason for miles, has returned! She says “oh GOD” as we all collectively sigh when Julia says she needs to call William, the guy she turned off last episode who still hasn’t called. Because Bravo won’t cut him a check until he fulfills all his contractual obligations, William agrees to a second date which will involve horseback riding and a winery. Between this, the salsa, and the ice skating date, I will at least give HRG credit for authorizing some fun-ass dates.

Julia rented a limo for the occasion. Her rule about planning a date is doing something that makes him think you like him but you’re not monogramming towels….yet. She admits this particular date (their second) is in monogram territory.

William must be desperate for that SAG card. Julia does exactly what she said she won’t, because, why wouldn’t she? She interrogates William as to why hasn’t he been in love in four years. Julia also says it takes her a 1/2 glass of wine to feel it, and after two glasses she’ll be giving out lap dances. If there’s one thing I hate more than people who talk about how high their tolerance is (“I did 873 shots last night!!!!!”), it’s people (usually girls) who talk about what lightweights they are, like it’s an open invitation for someone to give them attention and/or take advantage of them.

“Sending out an SOS”

William then tells an odd story about playing Trivial Pursuit at a strip club. What is with this show and all these people getting turned on by the Parker Brothers? Are board games the new movement in eroticism? Someone enlighten me.

When they arrive at the vineyard, Julia cheers for the horses in the same manner for which she cheers for everything: a speck of dust, a rock, a blade of grass, the death of feminism.

The man running the tour clearly hates her, and the way he makes no effort to hide it is hilarious. He scoffs at her 1990s prom limo, and won’t give an inch when she tries to make jokes. He deserves his own show. HRG is handing out shows like candy these days, so why not.

Where does one end and the other begin?

After the horses, Julia gets crunk at the wine tasting. She keeps forcing William to finish her drinks, probably so she can take advantage, but he says Julia is hazing him. And oh god, not this again. I cannot, my friends. I just cannot.

I truly cannot.

This goes better than the last time, as he is drunk enough to actually kiss her. She said she could feel herself becoming aggressive because she drank half a vineyard. Perhaps that’s something you should have considered when this date was in the planning stages. William drops her off, saying if was “awesome” in a voice that sounded totally the opposite of that, and when asked if he’ll see her again he literally says, “…..ummm….yeah…”

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Pillania
About

Picture the most luxurious lifestyle you could imagine, then multiply that by 50.

Now you have begun to understand Pillania, a hypochondriac/grad student/waitress/TV watcher who recently moved back in with her parents while she completes her degree program. She is constantly getting into jams, including but not limited to being "trapped" in the garage of people for whom she was housesitting, causing an accident inside of a car wash, and spilling soda all over her state representative's head whilst serving him at the restaurant.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    labowner
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Shocker the one who puts herself out there as a whore is getting attention.

  2. 2
    thlayly5
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Lol- Gollum! That made this recap- imagining Gollum with that idiot.

    But, the thing being made is called a golem- and I will let the dictionary define it— (in Jewish legend) a clay figure brought to life by magic.
    • an automaton or robot.
    ORIGIN late 19th cent.: from Yiddish goylem, from Hebrew gōlem ‘shapeless mass.’

    Still, Gollum is funnier.

  3. 3
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Great recap, Pillania! I’ll just come here to read your recaps because you’re writing skills are way more entertaining than this wreck of a show. Honestly, I can’t stomach watching one more episode of this silly nonsense. 3 strikes and I’m out!

  4. 4
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Oops, meant your vs. you’re. Hence my name, NotAlway’sPerfekt! ;-)

  5. 5
    Big Lamb
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Girl I don’t even need to watch the TVs any more because you’ve got it covered here.

    Funny shit!

  6. 6
    OutHouseCat
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    That poly queer whatever guy skeeved me out totally. He reminded of that idiot that the Countless was dating a while back – the jerky writer with the strange lip-smack lizard tongue thing. And the way he stared at her sideways, just ugh!

    This was my first and last time watching this craptastic hot mess. I’ll keep up by reading your recaps. They’re hilarious!

  7. 7
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Ewww, you’re right OutHouseCat! That guy LuMan dated was extremely creepy just like the poly whatever guy! Think I just threw up in my mouth a little! Egads!!!

  8. 8
    OutHouseCat
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Sorry Perfekt. I found that a little Clorox into the old eyeballs helped me get that guy’s picture outta my head. But then our girl Pillania snuck his creepy photo in here and started it all again. Grrrr…

  9. 9
    AnneOminous
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    I think the famous David Rubin said he WASN’T interested in sex-in-the-butt. However, the fact that he even brought it up betrays that he is probably lying because, well, why even bring it up.

    I find Emily quite likable, actually, and I don’t necessarily think she is a prude so much as she is finding that people’s sex-pectations of her are off based on her job. Just because she discusses sex on her show (mostly it seems in an attempt to help educate or explore the topic), doesn’t mean she is a whore. I liked the line about ‘Sex with Emily doesn’t mean sex with everyone,’ or whatever she said. So far she has had two guys expect her to just give it up because of her job, and one guy who seems to want to treat her as his sex unicorn. I don’t know, I find her particular storyline interesting and sympathetic.

    The armchair psychologist in me can’t decide if Amy needs to ‘love herself before loving someone else’ or just admit that she will never love anyone as much as she loves herself.

    As for Julia and the golem, I think Gollum from LOTR is her spirit animal: Grimy, deformed, socially incompetent and obsessed with a ring.

  10. 10
    Pillania Pillania
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    @thlayly5 – thank you for the info on the Gollum/golem. Would it offend anyone if I continue to refer to it as a Gollum? I just want to make sure none of you are witch/own a golem business/believe in the power of golems. ;- )

    @OutHouseCat – Somehow he was less offensive when he was just Gary Busey’s cousin. As for your [accurate] reference to Lu’s man…pass the Clorox ;- )

    @NotAlway’s – I never catch my own grammatical errors til the recaps are already published ;- )

    Once you start making these faces it’s hard to stop. ;- ) ;- ) ;- )

  11. 11
    thlayly5
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    No- no offense! I only know about golems because of a Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode. lol! I think the Gollum is funnier, and perfect for Julia as Pillania said.

  12. 12
    Nikki
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Love your recaps, P! I thought I would try watching the show. It was unwatchable. You warned me. Think I’ll just stick with you.

  13. 13
    Joey Guns
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Lorenzo couldn’t date her because around that time he was (and I think still is) dating Tinsley Mortimer….

    Man, Allison looks pathetic constantly trying to beg guys for kisses. Her roommate JP must laugh at her behind her back.

    Yeah and the Gary Busey cousin was beyond freaking creepy.

  14. 14
    labowner
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Why is it most of the truly openly sexual are always the grossest and you wouldn’t want to touch them? Just like nude beaches – cover up the yuck.

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