Then the witch has her write down everything she does wrong in relationships, which really isn’t fair to all the trees that are going to have be killed to support this endeavor. Julia also has to list 10 things she’d want in a partner. In case you forgot, Julia has a 73-point checklist any potential suitor must meet, so this’ll be a piece of cake.
Witchay woman kind of knows what she’s talking about, as she points out having so many criteria makes you unable to see the person before you. They put the list in a cauldron and burn it, and because I’m thinking about Gollum now, it’s all very Lord of the Rings to me.
Julia must meet a second witch, who is in charge of sealing the Gollum in a mini-coffin. Even Julia admits she is such a wreck that she needs the help of, like, every witch on Bravo’s payroll. Julia must go somewhere where she feels peaceful and bury the coffin this serene space.
JP, Julia’s roommate/the only voice of reason for miles, has returned! She says “oh GOD” as we all collectively sigh when Julia says she needs to call William, the guy she turned off last episode who still hasn’t called. Because Bravo won’t cut him a check until he fulfills all his contractual obligations, William agrees to a second date which will involve horseback riding and a winery. Between this, the salsa, and the ice skating date, I will at least give HRG credit for authorizing some fun-ass dates.
Julia rented a limo for the occasion. Her rule about planning a date is doing something that makes him think you like him but you’re not monogramming towels….yet. She admits this particular date (their second) is in monogram territory.
William must be desperate for that SAG card. Julia does exactly what she said she won’t, because, why wouldn’t she? She interrogates William as to why hasn’t he been in love in four years. Julia also says it takes her a 1/2 glass of wine to feel it, and after two glasses she’ll be giving out lap dances. If there’s one thing I hate more than people who talk about how high their tolerance is (“I did 873 shots last night!!!!!”), it’s people (usually girls) who talk about what lightweights they are, like it’s an open invitation for someone to give them attention and/or take advantage of them.
“Sending out an SOS”
William then tells an odd story about playing Trivial Pursuit at a strip club. What is with this show and all these people getting turned on by the Parker Brothers? Are board games the new movement in eroticism? Someone enlighten me.
When they arrive at the vineyard, Julia cheers for the horses in the same manner for which she cheers for everything: a speck of dust, a rock, a blade of grass, the death of feminism.
The man running the tour clearly hates her, and the way he makes no effort to hide it is hilarious. He scoffs at her 1990s prom limo, and won’t give an inch when she tries to make jokes. He deserves his own show. HRG is handing out shows like candy these days, so why not.
Where does one end and the other begin?
After the horses, Julia gets crunk at the wine tasting. She keeps forcing William to finish her drinks, probably so she can take advantage, but he says Julia is hazing him. And oh god, not this again. I cannot, my friends. I just cannot.
I truly cannot.
This goes better than the last time, as he is drunk enough to actually kiss her. She said she could feel herself becoming aggressive because she drank half a vineyard. Perhaps that’s something you should have considered when this date was in the planning stages. William drops her off, saying if was “awesome” in a voice that sounded totally the opposite of that, and when asked if he’ll see her again he literally says, “…..ummm….yeah…”