Sorry – ranting over, for now.
The bridesmaids’ dresses are covered in silver sequins with white fur trim. They kind of look like they were made for Santa’s slutty elves. Annie’s mom mentions that this is like a royal wedding. Kayla corrects her by saying ‘A Big Fat Gypsy Royal Wedding’. Seriously – do they have a quota with how many times they have to call things big and fat?
Ho, Ho and Ho.
Sondra does the final testing on the dress and then shows it to Annie. There are 80,000 rhinestones and it is trimmed with 22 fox skins. Hello, PETA. The dress/monstrosity has to be put on in 6 stages, with the final one being the crystal covered fluffy muff. This is what Sondra called it, but it sounds like a nickname for someone’s private parts.
My, what a nice muff you have.
After the dress is on, Sondra’s workers come out wearing winter coats, hats and scarves, while throwing fake snow up in the air. Jet says that “us Romanichels are going to show that we have class”. Way too late for that and step one might be proper grammar. Annie says that Josh will love the dress and “It’s going to make his jaws drop”. He must be special to have 2 jaws. They girls decide to pull a Priscilla and hit the streets in their dresses. The camera-man interviews some random pedestrian who tells us “That girl can rock that dress”. In other words, “What a crazy bitch”. We can read between the lines, people.
I feel that the ‘Open’ sign says it all.
It’s time for progress, people! We are in Gallipolis, Ohio with lesbian gypsy, Ana. Ana is 25 and marrying cougar lesbian Linda, who is 48. Ana kind of seems like the anti-gypsy. Her house is not spotless and she is far from wearing revealing clothing and worrying about her hair and makeup.
Me likes the ladies
Ana tells us that in gypsy culture a lesbian is like a black guy in the Klu Klux Klan. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a cross burning in her front yard, so that observation might not be spot on. Ana is going wedding dress shopping and is kind of scared. It turns out she hasn’t worn a dress since she was 12. This in no way shocks me. She also didn’t negotiate with TLC well enough and isn’t worthy of Sondra Celli.
Ana’s best friend Eric is going shopping with her. After trying on the dress, Ana says that it makes her feel queasy. That could have something to do with the fact that she looks like she is wrapped as tight as a sausage. They end up leaving the store without a dress.
Did someone say ‘Sausage’?
Next, Ana and Linda make a trip to see Linda’s son, Bruce. Bruce lives in what I’m pretty sure is a meth lab. This is where he does his freelance tattooing, so he is going to give the happy couple matching tattoos as a wedding gift. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. The tattoos are Celtic knots in the shape of a heart.
Back to Annie. She is having the dilemma of where to have her wedding. She lives on the border of two states. In West Virginia it’s illegal for first cousins to marry. This kind of surprises me. I’m from Ohio and southeastern Ohio into West Virginia is pretty much ‘anything goes’ territory. Never fear – neighboring Virginia is okay with cousin-love, so they can get married there.
The women-folk head to Virginia to check out places to have the wedding. The venue they find is ‘the beautifullest place over’. I’m really getting tired of these people making up words that my spell check hates. I guess the biggest selling point of the venue is this big-ass blue horse in the middle of a room. The women are afraid to tell the owner they are gypsies, because I’m sure the camera crew didn’t give it away. They finally ask her if that matters and she seems to not care – or TLC paid her off. Take your pick.
Yeah – I just don’t get it.
Back to Ohio! Ana works as a home health worker and Linda is unemployed. Money is tight, so Ana is stressed about the wedding. She has this big gold chain her father left her and she is going to pawn it. After getting the money from the necklace, they start getting things together for the ceremony. Linda’s daughter, Annie is coming over to help her mom find a dress. After searching the internet, she finds a Marilyn Monroe-like dress and orders it. Why, Sondra, why?
Annie (Not the lesbian, the incestuous one) and the groomsmen are getting tuxes. Annie’s brother, Gus, says that his tux is smothering him. Husband to be Josh wants turquoise for the bow ties and vests, but Annie wants silver to match everything else. Josh puts his foot down and says that he is going with the turquoise, even though it in no way matches. What a bright future for these two.
The Big Fat Gay American Gypsy Wedding is getting closer and Ana and Linda find out that the dress is with the mail carrier. Rather than just waiting until it is delivered like a sane, rational person, Ana hops in her car and starts hunting down the mail carrier. Once she skids to a stop behind the mail truck, Ana asks the for the package and is surprised when it is so small. She takes it back and is afraid that it’s only a handkerchief instead of an entire dress. Linda tries on the dress, which is actually a dress, and Eric gives it his approval. It’s not all fun and chasing down postal workers, though. Ana is upset because her mom doesn’t know for sure if she is coming to the wedding. You would think that Linda would be enough of a maternal figure in her life, being twice her age and all.
Our winter wonderland wedding party has hit the Hollywood Casino for the bachelorette party. Annie is excited because her and Pee-Pee shows up. I am really guessing at the spelling, but who the hell would go by that? The women bet on the ponies and Jet reminisces about going there when she was little with her dad. Ah, the memories. We hear from Kayla that if Annie doesn’t get married and stop living in sin, people will think she’s trash. More than they already do. Cousin Chrissy – the one that was stuck in the brown velour – explains more about their acceptance of incest. Her first husband was her third cousin. Let me repeat – FIRST husband and THIRD cousin. This family really doesn’t give a shit about the whole ‘marrying for life thing’, do they?
While the women are at the casino, the men head to the shooting range. Josh tells us that he is privileged to be coming into this family. WTF? He’s already part of the damn family, so I don’t know what the hell the purpose of that comment was.
It’s time for the lesbian wedding! Ana is wearing jeans and a rhinestone studded white blouse. She is in the men’s room smoking and waiting. Her mom shows up and she is ready to get hitched. They have the ceremony and everyone is happy, blah, blah, blah. I’m happy for them and all, but there was no drama to this at all. The only suspense was if her mom was going to show up and that could honestly happen to anyone, not necessarily a gypsy.
We can always hope for some drama with Annie, but that will probably be a letdown, too. Because Annie’s dress is so amazing, Sondra had to come by (They act like she was nearby, but she lives in freaking Boston) to help assemble the dress. Sondra says that it may be a fire hazard, but she has a fire extinguisher just in case. If that dress caught on fire, it might actually make me wake up for the rest of the episode.
Once the dress is on, the women get in a horse-drawn carriage to go to the wedding. On the way, Kayla decides that she desperately needs gum and makes the driver pull the horses over. Gum, really? I could see her having a desperate need for condoms, but I imagine the gum could have waited.
Once the ceremony is over, everyone is happy and it was of course, the best gypsy wedding ever. Until next week. The best part was this interview:
Keeping it in the family
It’s always great when you are related to both the bride and the groom.
Thanks everyone for reading! Next week is the season finale and it looks like it should be pretty good – or at least more exciting than this week:) Happy reading!