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Welcome to my new favorite guilty pleasure – My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding! This week we are going to Martinsburg, West Virginia. From the ‘In this episode’ excerpt, I’m afraid I tuned into ‘Gypsies gone wild’.
We meet sisters-in-law Kayla and Laura. Kayla lives in a modern home, while Laura lives in a more typical gypsy home – a camper. Gypsy or not, I have spent more than one weekend in our camper with my husband and two kids. By Sunday night, none of us want to even look at each other, let alone live there permanently. Next we meet their cousin, Nettie. Nettie lives in a house with her seven children, her nephew and her younger sister, Mellie. Mellie is quite the gypsy rebel. She was married at 16, but is now 22 and divorced. Color me shocked that a gypsy marriage could end badly.
I’m really starting to question the title of this show. The last episode I watched was about a Halloween party and this episode, I don’t see anyone getting married. Nettie, Kayla and Laura are married and Mellie seems anti-matrimony. Evidently, Kayla is planning a big, fat…Thanksgiving. It’s the beginning of November and the men are home from traveling for work. What better time to organize a family reunion? Now, when I think of a family reunion, I’m thinking of 40-50 people. According to Kayla, their family has around 400 people. Kayla whips out her blinged out cell phone and starts calling the family. They used to have a giant bat-signal-like spotlight, but it caught on fire when they tried to glue rhinestones to it. Once all the calls have been made, it’s time for the most important part of any Thanksgiving celebration. The food? No. The seating chart? No. Overnight accommodations? No. It’s time to get the perfect dress! Because when the Indians and Pilgrims feasted together for the first Thanksgiving, I’m sure they hoped that one day, we could celebrate in the gaudiest outfits ever made. They head to Boston to meet with our favorite gypsy dress designer Sondra Celli. She has made up some tasteful ensembles to convey giving thanks for what they have. Not really – but they are at least in somewhat subdued fall colors. Nettie wishes she could ‘have everythink in Sondra’s shop’ Yes – she said ‘everythink’. Mellie feels that she looks like an old woman, so she has Sondra shorten her dress. It will be so short that Sondra will need to put shorts under the skirt to cover up her lady bits.
The dresses have been picked up, so it’s time for a getaway to Atlantic City. The men are home, so it’s a nice break from every-day life. These are people that have a wild party for Thanksgiving. Is it really that much of a break to head to Atlantic City? Mellie is ready to party and can’t wait until they arrive. We are treated to a montage of Mellie gyrating in a variety of locations: Out the sunroof of their SUV, in some kind of street cart. We get it, you like to shake your ass.
Once they arrive, they stop at a gypsy fortune teller like the one Tom Hanks used in the movie ‘Big’. She says that it doesn’t look like a gypsy, he looks like Osama Bin Laden. For all you conspiracy theorists out there, Osama isn’t really dead – he is pretending to be a gypsy fortune teller in Atlantic City. You heard it here first. The narrator then asks us – in a serious voice – if Mellie will prove her family and Osama wrong. I have to give the narrator props, because I wouldn’t have been able to say that phrase without busting out laughing.
In the Casino, Mellie goes from sober to sloppy drunk in no time. She is spanking random waiters’ asses and cursing. She falls on the floor in the casino, but that doesn’t stop her from hitting the dance floor. She is dancing with some guy that is wearing a plaid, 70′s era leisure suit and a black afro wig. And by dancing, I mean giving him a lap dance standing up. Just when I thought this was bad enough, she completed the hot mess trifecta – drunk, slutty dancing, and the final – a nipple slip. Come on Mellie – go for perfection and throw up in the middle of the dance floor – You can do it! Nettie drags Mellie up to her room and literally kicks her into it. Tough love is the way to go, Nettie!