We gloss over the next morning, which i’m sure involved a lot of puking and running mascara. We’re back at the trailer – which I’m sorry, is a camper. The only time you would call that a trailer is on a movie set. I don’t see any of these women in a movie that doesn’t have 3 X’s in the title.
Dreams of adult entertainment aside, Laura is doing what gypsy women do best. Sorry – she’s not dancing like a stripper, so second best – cleaning. She talks abbout how people think gypsies are scam artists, but people are really just jealous. She then utters the one line that she should be punched in the face for: ’Don’t hate me because we’re beautiful’. Oh Laura, that’s so not why we hate you.
All that drinkin’ and dancin’ in Atlantic City got Mellie in the mood to find a man! She has a date with a gorger boy. Nettie is upset because gorger boys only have one thing on their mind. I’m pretty sure that’s not just gorger boys, but believe what you need to, Nettie. She sends Mellie off with a chaperone – her nephew Heath – and some words of wisdom: ‘Don’t throw off the wrong impression’. I guess those aren’t so much words of wisdom as a ship that has already sailed.
Mellie and Heath show up for their date – much to gorger boy Chris’ surprise. I’m not sure which surprised him more: A) A chaperone that uses more hair get than The Situation or B) His date is dressed like J-Lo during the P-Diddy era. They sit down to an awkward dinner where Chris asks Heath why he has to come along – not that he minds. Heath counters with a ‘How do you feel about marriage’. There is some inappropriate dancing for random truckers at the bar and then the date is over. Chris interviews that it’s a little scary, but we’ll see how things turn out. I believe that’s gorger-speak for ‘I’m getting the fuck out of here the first chance I have’.
We are treated to a montage of women vacuuming, which leads Laura to tell us that they are a little ‘OCDC’ on cleanliness. I guess their compulsion is adding extra letters to acronyms. Laura is so compulsive she brushes her teeth with bleach, while Kayla is excited and wants to be all up on her $4,300 sweeper. Easy honey, it’s not a stripper pole.
Now that the ode to a vacuum cleaner is over, it’s time to focus on the party! Kayla found a hall, so let’s pray it doesn’t fall through due to venue discrimination. They meet with Sharon, the manager, who seems completely thrilled to be renting to them.
Where’s Ashton Kutcher? I’m being punk’d right?
While they are finalizing the hall, their distant cousin is getting married 300 miles away. Ammie is greeting married to her baby daddy for the second time. Like me, you are probably thinking ‘you got out, why come back’. Then you will see this sexy piece of ass and kick yourself for ever doubting her.
Hell yeah – get me a piece of that!
Ammie is getting ready for her wedding, or local drag show, take your pick.
Holy shit she is scary!
Her biggest worry is that the groom, Morris, will show up drunk. When he does show up, he really seems more high than drunk, but I’m no expert on substance abuse. He practically licks the cake and then thanks the minister for showing up. He should be thanking Ammie for showing up, but she has dug her own grave. After they deliver their vows in almost robotic monotones, Ammie tries to be classy by linking arms while drinking their champaign/moonshine. Ammie’s quality glassware falls apart and Morris tells her to take off ‘that white outfit’. A gypsy man may be able to demean, bully and objectify their women, but I’ll be damned if they can mock a gypsy wedding gown. Ammie kicks Morris out of the reception and delays her need of a penicillin prescription for at least one day.