Preachers’ Daughters Recap: Thou Shalt Not Do Porn

Recaps

By TheMiki | Thursday, March 14, 2013 | 12:43 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Preachers Daughters, Recaps

Hey hey Gasmii!  TheMiki here, back from a brief hiatus to delve into the world of Lifetime docu-drama with the probable train-wreck that is Preachers’ Daughters.  As much as I think this show is gonna be awful, it has managed to piss off the harpies over at One Million Moms, who lack both humor and basic counting skills.  They’re calling for a protest of Lifetime because they don’t like the way Christians are being portrayed.  Never mind how minorities are portrayed by the media.  Privileged white people from the religious majority want to bitch about how oppressed they are .  Which makes me want to watch the show.

 

Fuck turning off the TV and spending actual time with your children! Just demand that all the programming be neutered so that Timmy won’t hear any naughty words, then resume ignoring him while you update your Pinterest.

 

Okay, everyone ready for a religious show and the mocking of religion that comes along with it?  Righteous indignation safely stowed in the overhead compartment?  Then let’s get on with this shit.  We start the show in North Carolina where two sisters are discussing a boy.  The younger girl’s name is Kolby Koloff, and her dad is former wrestler turned angry shouty preacher.  Attention boys who want to date any of the Koloff ladies:  RUN!  Pro-wrestler-turned-preacher is the scariest combination of terms I’ve ever heard used to describe the man who will be waiting on the front porch with a gun when you bring his precious angel back three minutes past curfew.  

 

Oh, and her mom is a preacher too.  Plus she works at a “Pregnancy Center.”  I’m not sure what that is, so I Google it and discover that it’s like Planned Parenthood without any of the birth control or useful information.  Mom says that her daughters better not be having, “Oral sex, finger sex, backdoor sex…” and I seriously just spit my drink out my nose because holy shit “Finger sex.” 

 This is what happens if you leave the house without your purity ring…

Let’s hop over to Illinois to meet our next group of sinners.  The daughter in this family is named Taylor.  Her dad is also a shouty sweaty preacher, and Taylor sings in the church choir.  Oh and she has secret aspirations of being a porn star.   She tells her parents that she’s 17 and she should be able to date, but they tell her to focus on school and wait until she’s over 18 to start thinking about boys.  And that, folks, is how you wind up with a daughter who thinks Porn Star is a good career goal.  

 

Well that’s one way to get young boys interested in the Bible…

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TheMiki
About

I enjoy mocking other people because it's the only thing I'm really good at, and I think we should all use the gifts God gave us.  My childhood was way more fucked up than yours, and yet I'm a fully productive member of society with no criminal record or bastard children.  As such, listening to coked-out hookers whine about their baby-daddies getting arrested and how they live this life cause their mama didn't breastfeed them makes me want to throw furniture at my TV.  When I'm not tearing down people on television I like to paint, write, drink coffee, hike, and make pathetic attempts to play the guitar, because chicks dig a lady with an instrument.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    April
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 3:54 am

    LOL I knew someone would recap this here. This show…..vomit.

  2. 2
    Elizabeth F
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 6:03 am

    I’m waiting for Kolby to do all forms of penetration her mom warned her about in 1 night, and end up knocked up like Olivia. Oh…and boy those rings her dad gave her and her sisters worked out well! Driving on acid and a teen mom? Sister smoking weed (and looks like she has an eating disorder too) Taylor is just dumb! Her dads and idiot and shuts down his wife, who seems to have the only brain in the family!

  3. 3
    April
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 6:36 am

    So like if the girls are doing and admitting to all this stuff I am guessing this show is only going to last one season because once the parents see the show aired, they will freak the hell out?

    captcha is “push the envelope”

  4. 4
    thankfulnottobethem
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 7:21 am

    I meant to watch but didn’t put the effort into finding out when it aired, or what channel…..

    Great recap.

    I had no idea that there was this OneMillionMom’s group. How RIDICULOUS!! Between Bloomberg as the self proclaimed food police and now OMM’s as our morality police – I can sleep much better. If only someone would appoint themselves to tell me how to spend my $$ then I could stop thinking all together.

  5. 5
    TheMiki TheMiki
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 8:26 am

    You’re in luck! They will totally tell you what businesses to give your money to! One Million Moms released some bullshit list of stores that embraced Christmas by using the word, “Christmas” in their advertising. Stores that said words like “Holidays” or “Seasons Greetings” were shunned and boycotted. Nobody cared, because One Million Moms is actually about 54,000 bitter harpies who aren’t the target market for anything except Snuggies and kitchy gold crosses.

  6. 6
    merry
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Congrats to TheMiki for making humor out of this trainwreck. My God (no irony intended), this is trashy and awful. I honestly can’t believe this is real, and I don’t just say that because I’d like to think that people aren’t this stupid. It makes ZERO sense that religious leaders of any kind would sign up for a reality show specifically designed to show the world that their daughters are huge skanks. Aren’t these fools worried about losing congregation membership?

    The recaps are the only upside to this show, and really I’d prefer another season of Scream Queens instead.

  7. 7
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 10:54 am

    OMG, “…however Bing is widely believed to be the brainchild of Satan and a developmentally disabled grilled cheese sandwich.” I planned on reading the recaps anyway, but that line totally ensured it. This was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I want to know how Taylor’s parents fucked up their other kids. I love how Taylor threw college in while talking about a career in sex. Let’s face it, porn or stripper, she’ll be having sex for money.

  8. 8
    cheergirl
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 11:36 am

    omg! so happy you guys are doing this show! didn’t read the recap yet but I know it’s gold

  9. 9
    labowner
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 11:39 am

    I’m confused the preachers are divorced? What does the bible say about divorce? Hypocrites shouldn’t even be on the show.

    So where does this mystical Micah live? In Tennessee or NC?

    In all the years, strict parents haven’t learned you are creating a monster that will explode once they get free of your reigns. And don’t go polar opposite as being your child’s bestie is just as harmful to them and society.

  10. 10
    Dear Crabby
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    “Pregnancy Center” is always code for pro-life…other places that help with women’s health do not mention the word “pregnant,” they are either “clinics” or “health centers” and things like that. And yes, they rarely include any true or valuable information for the women that go there.

    Ha! My captcha is Sacred Cow. And how.

  11. 11
    Chicken Lips
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    I’m glad someone is ‘capping the show – I don’t know that I could tolerate watching. I went to a college full of PKs (Pastor’s Kids – seriously. And they called themselves that.) and some of them were the biggest skanks on two legs. They would get themselves all hoochied up and then practice memorizing the birthdates on their fake IDs and what sign they would then fall under (because clearly none of them thought to make it the same birthday but a different year – geniuses) when they were waiting for the one with the car to pick them up and drive an hour to the big city to hit the bar district. One of them even got knocked up. So I’m completely not surprised that one of these girls wants to strip/hook/do porn.

  12. 12
    darlingclementine
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    the biggest problem I have with “pregnancy centers” is the propaganda and misinformation that is given out. thats just awful and harmful to society in my opinion. its just tricking people and its inhumane. they could call it something else but they shouldnt make it sound medical and official unless it really is.

    also i had to go to a church sex seminar in my day. they had the sex is amazing… when you are married! opening and ended up telling us that women were like band-aids (gross after use). so that was really comforting and educational.

    i didnt mean to watch this show but was flipping through channels and caught the “i want to do porn” part and thought i was watching an episode of scared straight or something. surprised when it was about pastors daughters!

  13. 13
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    Taylor is a desperate butterface. If she does end up doing porn, she’s gonna be one of those girls that they only film from behind or with a mask on.
    And I know she thinks that she’s cute and grown, but she better slow her fast behind down before something terrible happens to her. With her useless hoodlum of a boyfriend.
    Chasing waterfalls and shit. Stay in your blessed rivers and lakes, bitch!

    Kolby is boring, but I like her parents. I like that her mom is completely batshit. Although all that application shit was too much….asking questions and eating yogurt and shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Maybe she just needs a man for herself. With her extensive knowledge of the lost art of finger sex, I’m sure any man would be happy to have her.
    I think Kolby’s dad is pretty entertaining, although I really want to know where that boy from church’s parents were when he strolled over and casually started manhandling their son. I also wonder why he and the mom divorced. Too much finger sex? Or perhaps not enough?
    Maybe there was something wrong with the backdoor sex….she seemed pretty interested in that too. Not as much as the finger sex, but close.

    I want to take Filbert for my own. I just want to possess him.

  14. 14
    Tapnfeet99
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 2:45 am

    A little finger sex never hurt anyone.

  15. 15
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Exactly, Tapnfeet. And no one has ever gotten pregnant from doin it in the back door.

  16. 16
    labowner
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    “no one has ever gotten pregnant from doin it in the back door.”

    No, but one can get cancer.

  17. 17
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 5:57 am

    @TheMiki I’m so glad you’re doing this show! I can tell it’s going to be a hoot! And maybe the most producer driven thing we’ve seen on TV since Meet The Hutterites!

    The finger sex illustration’s going to have me LOLing all day.

    I can’t say for certain there’s no such thing as leprechauns. But I do know there’s no way any 16 yr girl thinks a BJ is blowing on somebody’s cock. Even if she doesn’t have a mom that gives religious penetration speeches.

    My guess is they’re all going to have a story arc about how if parents are too strict their daughters are even more likely to not keep the shrink wrap on their jay. To where nobody’ll be willing to give their dad more than 2 or 3 skinny ass goats for them.

  18. 18
    msjacqmills
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Hey man – calling them blowjobs can confuse anyone who isn’t sexually active. Why aren’t they called suckjobs?

  19. 19
    Samanda
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    There was a time in my early/mid teens that the term “blowjob” really confused me too. I totally buy a 16 year old semi naieve kid not being sure of what goes on there.

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