Preachers’ Daughters Recap: You are NOT the father

Recaps

By TheMiki | Friday, March 22, 2013 | 1:16 pm | 9 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Preachers Daughters, Recaps

Hey hey, Gasmii.  Welcome back for week two of the docudrama train wreck that is Preachers’ Daughters.  Last week we learned that Purity Rings make lousy contraceptives, blowjobs don’t involve actual blowing, and stripping is viable career goal if your dream of being a porn star never comes to fruition.  Preachers raise terrible children.  

Exhibit: a.

This week Taylor, our little would-be porn star, is being called “The Devil” by her father, who just learned of her dreams of someday starring All Anal Fest 14.   Daddy tells her she can go to her friend Quanchee’s (sp?) house but she better be on her best behavior.  Taylor agrees, and then immediately goes to a hotel room to hang out with boys, cause she’s a teenager.  As much as I oppose the way this dude is raising his child (like a prisoner) lying and sneaking out is kind of what teenagers do.  Also, what in the clear blue fuck is a Quanchee?  

 

Meanwhile, Kolby is on an ice-skating date with her new love interest Micah.  They have to go on group dates because her mom doesn’t trust them to be alone.  Clearly, despite her Sex Lady moniker, Mom doesn’t know about all those wild group sex parties the kids are having.  The fine reporters at 20/20 have informed me that these teen orgies involve Silly Bands, bath salts, and Lady Gaga, but I’m sure they all start out with group ice-skating.

 

So did you guys bring the poppers or was it my turn?

Speaking of group sex, our teen mom Olivia is on the phone with one of her two possible baby daddies telling him that she had the baby and he might be the father, so she needs him to take a paternity test.  Olivia and her sister swab Eden to find out who da baby daddy be.  I wonder if those home DNA tests are eating into the guest pool for the Maury Show…  Olivia says she really needs God right now.   She tells us her favorite verse is from Romans and it says that man can never be separated from God’s love.   My favorite verse is from Psalms, and it goes, “Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.”  Just something to think about if little Eden gets out of hand…

 

What’s God’s stance on leaving it in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese?

Olivia’s dad tells us about his church, called Everyday Church, where they have lots of prayer meetings at home.  It looks like a kicked-back sort of church, but I can’t stop giggling long enough to listen to anything because the church-goers keep saying, “Jesus, fill her.  Fill her with Jesus.”  And no one even has the decency to yell, “That what she said.”  Buncha amateurs.   Dad tells us he used to smoke weed every day, so he’s compassionate about the mistakes of others.  Obviously his kid is a little fucked up, but I think he’s handling her fuck-ups pretty well.  Or maybe the rest of the parents on television have just lowered my standards to the point that anything not bordering on child-abuse looks like good parenting.

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TheMiki
About

I enjoy mocking other people because it's the only thing I'm really good at, and I think we should all use the gifts God gave us.  My childhood was way more fucked up than yours, and yet I'm a fully productive member of society with no criminal record or bastard children.  As such, listening to coked-out hookers whine about their baby-daddies getting arrested and how they live this life cause their mama didn't breastfeed them makes me want to throw furniture at my TV.  When I'm not tearing down people on television I like to paint, write, drink coffee, hike, and make pathetic attempts to play the guitar, because chicks dig a lady with an instrument.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    TurtleGirl93 TurtleGirl93
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Lord have mercy, this show is all kinds of messed up. The PKs I knew in high school did tend to be on the wilder side though; it’s the whole forbidden fruit thing, I think.

    Seriously, who want to grow up to be a porn star? Any industry that requires regular STD testing is not for me.

    Speaking of pregnancy centers and such, Arkansas has decided to go all 1969* on our @sses and passed some ridiculously ridiculous unconstititional legislature regarding women’s health and rights. I’m one of the 1500 who signed up to protest at the Capitol tomorrow. Feel free to start a bail fund, Gasmi, in case we get out of hand.

    *I’m too lazy to look up the RvW date–’73 or something, but I felt ’69 was appropriate. (Oooh, score! It was ’73)

  2. 2
    labowner
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    TheMiki you were on fire when you wrote this. Excellent recap.

    “Salem is where they burned witches, you insensitive Christian fucks. That’d be like a German naming their baby Auschwitz.”

    You deserve a standing ovation for this.

    Oh and there is a preachers daughter on Big Rich Atlanta and she is coming out of her shell. Can’t wait to see mommy explode.

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    @TheMiki I don’t know when I’ve laughed this hard. You should totally get a prize for this recap.

    And this show should get a prize for most stupid per minute in reality show history.

    Has anybody else noticed that Kolby is the identical twin grandbaby of Ali McGraw that was in Love Story back around the time of the Salem witch trials?

  4. 4
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    I agree with tHe above lovelies. This recap is hilarious. In fact, these past 2 recaps are 2 of the funniest recaps I’ve read on the Gasm. Keep up the awesome work!

  5. 5
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    “Yeah, cause teenage guys are constantly trying to take responsibility for their illegitimate bastard chitlins.”

    “Chitlins” is actually short for chitterlings, which are the intestines of a pig…so I understand why teenage boys don’t want to take responsibility for them. I think you might have wanted “chilluns.”

  6. 6
    Joslyn
    Posted March 23, 2013 at 11:41 am

    The is recap had me rolling! Why do you have to keep jacking up the girl’s name? LOLOOLOL. I have a teen daughter that I watch this with and these parents make me seem super reasonable and wonderful, which I am.

  7. 7
    churble
    Posted March 23, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    “Chad wants to know why in the fucking fuck she would do something like that”

    I woke up my kid I laughed so loud at that.

  8. 8
    just julie
    Posted March 25, 2013 at 10:52 am

    This recap is even funnier than this ridiculous show. The “Sex Mom” drives me insane. It’s a wonder all her daughters aren’t pregnant or stripping for a living. Thanks so much for a good laugh. I needed one today.

  9. 9
    Sunshine
    Posted March 25, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    What a great recap. Watching the whole family lose their shit and start crying because their sister had sex before marriage was hilarious. Seriously? What happens around there when something really bad happens? Mass cutting?

    Love the little chick that goes to the hotel to party…..I give her 6 months before she’s on Teen Mom.

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