Hey hey, Gasmii. Welcome back for week two of the docudrama train wreck that is Preachers’ Daughters. Last week we learned that Purity Rings make lousy contraceptives, blowjobs don’t involve actual blowing, and stripping is viable career goal if your dream of being a porn star never comes to fruition. Preachers raise terrible children.
This week Taylor, our little would-be porn star, is being called “The Devil” by her father, who just learned of her dreams of someday starring All Anal Fest 14. Daddy tells her she can go to her friend Quanchee’s (sp?) house but she better be on her best behavior. Taylor agrees, and then immediately goes to a hotel room to hang out with boys, cause she’s a teenager. As much as I oppose the way this dude is raising his child (like a prisoner) lying and sneaking out is kind of what teenagers do. Also, what in the clear blue fuck is a Quanchee?
Meanwhile, Kolby is on an ice-skating date with her new love interest Micah. They have to go on group dates because her mom doesn’t trust them to be alone. Clearly, despite her Sex Lady moniker, Mom doesn’t know about all those wild group sex parties the kids are having. The fine reporters at 20/20 have informed me that these teen orgies involve Silly Bands, bath salts, and Lady Gaga, but I’m sure they all start out with group ice-skating.
So did you guys bring the poppers or was it my turn?
Speaking of group sex, our teen mom Olivia is on the phone with one of her two possible baby daddies telling him that she had the baby and he might be the father, so she needs him to take a paternity test. Olivia and her sister swab Eden to find out who da baby daddy be. I wonder if those home DNA tests are eating into the guest pool for the Maury Show… Olivia says she really needs God right now. She tells us her favorite verse is from Romans and it says that man can never be separated from God’s love. My favorite verse is from Psalms, and it goes, “Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.” Just something to think about if little Eden gets out of hand…
What’s God’s stance on leaving it in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese?
Olivia’s dad tells us about his church, called Everyday Church, where they have lots of prayer meetings at home. It looks like a kicked-back sort of church, but I can’t stop giggling long enough to listen to anything because the church-goers keep saying, “Jesus, fill her. Fill her with Jesus.” And no one even has the decency to yell, “That what she said.” Buncha amateurs. Dad tells us he used to smoke weed every day, so he’s compassionate about the mistakes of others. Obviously his kid is a little fucked up, but I think he’s handling her fuck-ups pretty well. Or maybe the rest of the parents on television have just lowered my standards to the point that anything not bordering on child-abuse looks like good parenting.