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Previously on Pretty Little Liars: An episode aired and I recapped it. I mean, seriously, the link is like, right there for you to click on. God.
Oooh, cake! All four of the girls are splitting a piece of cake at The Only Restaurant in Rosewood. It really bugs me when people do this. Unless you’re broke and can’t afford dessert, then eat a whole g.d. piece of cake, lame-o.
No, Hanna. No one else cares. Do the girls believe Jenna’s story, or did she plot to take Emily to Alison’s grave? God, if I had a nickel for every time I had that conversation with my high school friends . . . I’d have zero nickels. None. Nada. So who else could be the new “A?” Emily says Lucas, but Hanna is all, Nuh-uh to your uh-huh, Em. Spencer says everything leads to the Black Swan. Uh, so Melissa and Veronica (Spencer’s mom) are there as well, like at a separate table, but still paying for Spencer’s cake. Weird. So, could Melissa be the Black Swan or “A?” Spencer says no. Oh, look, Jason’s back to cause drama by bursting in and yelling at Veronica for representing Garrett since he (allegedly) killed Alison. Veronica says that everyone deserves a competent legal defense.
Did Veronica get a new ‘do? It looks weird. Jason’s like, Are you sure there’s no other reason? Veronica tells Jason to take care of his family and focus on himself and then Spencer runs out to talk to him. Jason posts something on a light pole (which is illegal, Jason), which turns out to be a $50,000 reward for the recovery of Alison’s remains. “A” texts them and is all, “Imagine what I could with $50,000.” Two words:
After the credits, Veronica is poring over articles and junk for her case, when Spencer comes in and shows her Jason’s reward poster. Veronica says that stealing a body is a felony, so the person will get 10 years in the pokey and will probably be charged with Alison’s murder because it’ll be easy to build a case against that person.
Aria’s complaining, because it’s day-time and SHE’S ARIA, about her dad’s new haircut and cologne for his new lover (who I think is that girl he had an affair with back in the day). Aria’s mom still doesn’t know about dad’s new lovah, so Aria brings it upon herself to tell her. Ella’s gonna be so busy with schoolwork that she won’t have time for dinner, but she’ll be home all weekend. Aria tells her that she needs to go out and shake things up a bit, hang out with some girlfriends, but Ella says that she’d rather spend time with her daughter, unless her daughter is busy making out with her immature ex-teacher boyfriend. She’s not, so she’ll have some time with her ma.
At the nuthouse, Hanna is told that Mona isn’t allowed visitors anymore and has lost her visitation privileges for an undetermined amount of time. Because she’s cray-cray in the hey-hey. (Is that a thing? Is that a saying? Because I think I just made it up. You guys should start saying it and give me credit for it. Go!)
Back at The Bronze, I guess Emily’s got a job there now and the manager or shift supervisor is telling her about all kinds of coffee, which, come on — this is PLL. These girls know more about coffee than those Columbian dudes who ride donkeys for 80 miles to pick the best, richest Columbian coffee beans. Some dude shows up and asks for Emily. Turns out he’s Nate, Maya’s cousin. Oh, dip. If he is hiding Maya, if it turns out she faked her own death or something, I will lose it, I will go apeshit, I will scratch someone’s eyes out. I would have thought Emily would have pulled him aside, but she’s actually really mature (I know) and is all, It’s my first day, so I’ll have to call you later. Which is fine, since Nate lives in Rosewood now.
Upon which I will have to consult google to remember what the hell his name is. Nate goes to Hollis College, he didn’t tell Maya that he was coming, and he’s really looking forward to hanging out with Maya again. Oh, awkward. First of all, Maya’s dead, so good luck with that. Second of all, I don’t think Maya was ever “fun” to “hang out with” in the first place. (Editor’s note: I realized later that he did in fact know that Maya was dead, so I’m not a complete idiot, but I like harsh jokes about Maya, so I’m leaving it.)