At the nuthouse, Hanna’s sneaking in to see Mona. Wasn’t she behind a locked door? Let’s see how well this goes. Wow, the security is lax in this place. Wren tries to stop Detective I’ll Have to Google His Name Because He Hasn’t Been On the Show in 6 Episodes from visiting Mona, but he has a court order to see her. Detective Wilden is his name (and sporadically showing up is his game). Wren spies Hanna and probably gets a boner. But it’s a British boner, so it’s more refined and respectful than an American one.
Nate and Emily are at The Only Restaurant talking about swimming and Maya and Maya’s family and junk. There’s an anecdote about Maya but I’m not going to repeat it because it doesn’t end with ” . . . and then she acted like a megabitch and ruined everything,” so it’s obviously a lie. Nate said that Maya called Emily her “first real love.” Oh, uh-huh. So “real” that she boned some dude at Camp Druggie-Whore-Awana, apparently. Em wants Maya’s parents address so she can thank them, but Nate doesn’t have it and will give it to her later. So, I’m going to assume that Nate isn’t actually Maya’s cousin and is either in cahoots with “A” or has his own agenda to blackmail or something (maybe he’s the druggie that Maya effed with at Camp Toke-And-Boff, I don’t know). Nate left a book behind. There’s probably a clue in it.
Hanna’s still at the institution. It’s been an hour and Detective Wilden is still talking to Mona about Alison’s remains or whatever. She tells Wren that she has just one question for Mona and will hurry, but Wren says that he’s already in trouble for extending her visiting hours (which Hanna didn’t know about). He says that he thought that Mona and Hanna were connecting, so he just did it. Oh, brother. Wren has an agenda, and said agenda is about 6 inches long and uncircumcised.
Ew! I’m kind of raunchy this week, I’m sorry. Back at someone’s house (Spencer’s?) they all agree they need to find out who the Black Swan is, like, prontito. All the gals say that Melissa is the Black Swan, dammit! Spencer says that she’s going to Philly to find out and they should come along.
Ella spies Ashley at The Bronze and Ashley asks her if she’s meeting someone for a date, someone from Mainline Mate. Oh, cat out of bag, beyotch. Ella’s all, Uh, wha?
In Philly (totally not Vancouver! It’s totally America! It’s not Canada, okay?!), suspiciously skinny Melissa is walking out of her apartment, but Aria, Em, and Hanna are spying on her. Hanna calls Spencer — apparently, she’ll meet with Melissa while the others spy in her apartment. Spencer tells Hanna to wait until she signals. Hanna: “Roger that.” Aria: “Roger that?” Hanna: “What? We’re on a mission.” Hee.
Back at The Bronze (which serves wine, thank god), Ashley is showing Ella the ad and telling her that she shouldn’t delete it, because people actually do meet online. And not all of them end up on To Catch a Predator, I might add. Ashley and Ella are kickin’ back, talkin’ about datin’, and it’s kind of fun. I like the scenes when people aren’t talking about secrets or mysteries or Maya. It doesn’t happen often. Ella says she’s struggling to adjust to the single life. She can’t even fix a toilet. Or dial a phone to get a plumber to come over, I guess. She says her toilet ran for three days until her neighbor fixed it.
“I’m an old-fashioned girl. I believe the man should do all the dialing.”
God, get with it, Ella! It’s the 90s!! Ashley says things will get better, but the hard part for her is not having someone to share the little things with. Ella says it’s hard for her to sleep. Ashley tells her that one day she’ll wake up on the other side of the bed. Or, if you’re like me, you’ll wake up in someone else’s bed.
Hanna is antsy because it’s been 20 minutes, but Spencer hasn’t texted them yet. So, they just throw caution to the wind and decide to snoop around Melissa’s apartment. Meanwhile, Spencer is still waiting for Melissa. This will turn out well, I’m quite sure. They enter Melissa’s apartment (they have a key, so it’s not breaking-and-entering) and begin to search for medical records. Emiliy spies some books on the bookshelf and opens one and puts it on a desk or something. Spencer gets a text from Melissa saying that she forgot her wallet and will be there in ten minutes. Suspense! Hanna left her phone in her purse and she left her purse across the room, so she doesn’t get the text from Spencer about Melissa. Then Melissa shows up and the girls freak out and try to put everything back and then of course Hanna spills a bunch of keys or paper clips or something and Melissa’s about to open her apartment door! (Sidebar: You know what I’d do? I’d go to the kitchen, grab some pots and pans, and then when Melissa came in, I’d be all, “Oh! We wanted to surprise you. We feel bad about, you know, not having a baby and junk, so we were going to make you a surprise dinner, so Spencer gave us the spare key, but now you ruined it. Now you have no baby, and no surprise dinner.”) The key turns and Melissa opens the door to her apartment. She spies the book that Em put on the end table and is all, Hmmmm. Then she opens the closet doors to get her wallet. Also, the gals are hiding in the closet, but they don’t get caught. They all agree that it was a close call and agree to leave, but then they find a hanging clothes bag (what are those called?) from the costume shop. Inside, there’s no costume, BUT there are some decorative feathers. Like you’d see on a black swan costume.
“Oh my god, MELISSA’S A CHICKEN!!”
Hanna, no. Just . . . Just no. Later, at Spencer’s house (I think), the girls show Spencer the feathers and tell her that they match the ones that Hanna pulled from the ball last season (did that happen? Let’s assume it did.). Hanna says that Melissa is totally “A.” Spencer says that it’s still not concrete and wants to go back to Philly, but the girls say she can’t go alone because Melissa’s “A” and will do crazy crap and crap. Spencer will wait for her mom to get her and then they’ll all go together.