Pretty Little Liars Recap: Go Flask Alice

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Friday, July 13, 2012 | 1:00 pm | 16 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Pretty Little Liars, Recaps

After 45 seconds of “Previously on PLL . . .” Em, Spencer, and Aria are walking around at night and talking about how Hanna is sad and then they get to talking about “A” and Det. Wilden and all their pretty little lies, when all of a sudden the police show up.  What if they want to tell Emily that Maya’s alive?!  I will quit recapping immediately if that happens.  I don’t care if I’m in the middle of a sentence, I will quit this shit, I will QUIT IT!  Turns out the cops are stopping at Garrett’s house along with an ambulance . . . But whhhhhhhyyyy?!  No one knows, until they take out Garrett’s mom on a stretcher with a breathing mask.  Hmm.  Also, Aria spies someone standing at the house.  Someone in a hoodie.  But when she alerts the other girls, Hoodie Ho isn’t there any more!  Was “A” watching them?!  Emily wonders why “A” would be watching and/or harming Garrett’s mother.  Really, Em?  Girl, even if you barely know someone, you can bet that “A” is gonna eff with their ess.  Seriously.  Someday Emily’s childhood Nicaraguan pen-pal will show up at her door, all, “Senorita Lesbian!  I’m getting blackmailed by someone named ‘A!’  Aye yi yi!”  (My apologies to all Nicaraguans.)  Credits.

The first thing we see when we get back is this:

“And once again, I make the front page of the Hispter Daily Douchebagian Times.  Boo-yah!”

Aria and Ezra are walking around downtown in broad daylight flaunting their filthy love in front of everyone.  Why are ALL downtowns in TV shows always so packed with 10 million people?  I lived in freaking Chicago and there were NEVER this many people on the sidewalks at one time where I lived.  But let’s get back to why we’re all here:  Hating Ezra.  Aria bought him a sandwich and blah blah blah Ezra doesn’t need Aria to feed him and shit.  Ezra has to go to an interview, but before Aria gets in his car, she sees Lucas acting all tweaked out and banging on a window, all, “Hey! HEY!  Give me back my stuff!”  Hmmmm . . .

At school, Paige shows up!  Yay!  I love Paige!  And I didn’t even call her Samara this time!  Emily invites her to see the new Katy Perry “movie.”

“Oh.  Well, I asked some people to roll me naked in broken glass and then light me on fire.  I’m not 100% sure if that’ll be better than the Katy Perry movie, but I’m gonna take my chances.”

Paige looks sooooo pretty, you guys.  I’m loving her hair and her makeup right now.  Paige says she’ll go, but she hasn’t heard from Emily in a while, so she thought Emily was avoiding her.

“Oh, god, no.  No, I wasn’t avoiding you.  I was just dating someone I thought was hotter and more fun and I was ignoring you completely.  But she’s dead now, so let’s go on a date, runner-up!”

Em says she’s been going through a lot and needs to figure some stuff out, so Paige agrees to a “fresh start.”  I hate to say it, Paige, but I kind of think you can do better.  Emily’s a sweet girl, but she has more baggage than an American Airlines terminal.  Then Jenna shows up and is all sight-y with everyone; Paige tells Em that Jenna had more surgery and is all about seein’ stuff now.  Hmmmm . . .  Paige tells Jenna “congratulations” when she walks by, which is weird.  I mean, Jenna didn’t really do anything.  She didn’t perform the eye surgery by herself.  If it were me, I’d be all, “Hey!  Now you can see how butt-ass ugly your outfits are!  Just like everyone else! Awesome!”  But then, I’ve always been a caring soul.

Hanna’s all mopey at her house and Ashley wonders why she’s still at home (I’m assuming Hanna’s skipping school).  Hanna doesn’t “feel well” and Ashley asks if she’s heard from Caleb, which Hanna hasn’t, because Caleb isn’t returning her phone calls.  I’m hoping it’s because he’s at Supercuts.  Ashley tells her that things can change, but she should probably go to school and start some learnin’ in the meantime.  Ashley tells Hanna that her bank is volunteering at a rummage sale and needs people to help out tonight.  Um, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, bank manager man, but putting Ashley Marin in front of a bunch of loose, unmarked bills is like putting Carnie Wilson in charge of a new Old Country Buffet franchise.  Nothing good can come of it.  Hanna’s like, Whhaaaaaa me no wanna go!  But Ashley tells her it’ll be fun and crap and junk and stuff.  Hanna leaves for school but then comes right back in after her mom leaves.  Why didn’t Ashley tell her to get in the car and then drive her to the school building?  I don’t know.

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Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    ChaCha
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    Since when is putting on a clip-on tie harder than tying one? Puh-leeze.
    I do love your idea of the fight between Ezra and Lucas being like the one between Colin Firth and Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones Diary. Made me laugh!

  2. 2
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Hahaha! Totally! “This clip-on tie is too frustrating. I’ll go with a regular tie; those are fuss-free, thanks!”

    I wish Pam had been walking by the doorway just then, holding a box full of ties, just at the right moment. “Oh, honey, I have a box of ties right here!” Actually, I want there to be a running theme were Emily says stuff like, “I could really go for some milk right now,” and then Pam walks by with a box of milk cartons. “Oh! Here you go honey!”

    “I really wish I had a live Indigo Girls CD right now.” “Oh, sweetie, I was just walking by with this box full of Indigo Girls CDs! Here you go!”

  3. 3
    plockeness monster plockeness monster
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Did I miss a plot line about Ezra being broke??? I didn’t understand Aria’s pressing need to keep him from living in a van down by the river??

  4. 4
    SuburBint
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    I love this recap. I love it so much, I want to put it in my pocket and take it home and cook it a nice meal and then snuggle up with it on the couch while we eat popcorn and watch Bridget Jones’ Diary. If I wasn’t married already, I would drag this recap down to the courthouse and make it legally mine forever. I love it that much.

  5. 5
    plockeness monster plockeness monster
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    Hypno – the fact that you lovingly hate this show makes your recaps even better. Tobot. Ha.

    So, no one in Rosewood gives a shit that Aria is dating their old teacher? There was no scandal? They can just show up to a H. S. bday party together and everyone’s like, “Hey.”????

    I think the pills came from Mona. Is Paige stupid? She didn’t realize the flask was Emily’s?? The questionsssssss!!!!!!! Ieofpqjrnfobiowjt

    Jena’s face is weird.

  6. 6
    Kim
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    GREAT RECAP, as always. I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m never going to be able to follow the characters’ logic with anything and will just accept everything that happens. There’s no way I’m going to remember anything about pills and flasks and where the pills came from and who they were meant for and why why WHY.

    @ Plockeness– probably because the actress that plays her is like, 30 years old.

  7. 7
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    SuburBint — Let’s go to Utah so that you can marry this recap and then I can marry both of you and the three of us can live happily ever after.

    plockeness — It’s Aria. She has the emotional maturity of ants on a log. And I don’t mean ants, as in insects, on a log, as in wood. I mean that she has the emotional maturity of a stick of celery with peanut butter smeared in the middle and sprinkled with raisins. I can’t explain her because . . . Well, I just don’t like her. I make no bones about the fact that she’s my least favorite PLL girl. Especially since she and Ezra flaunt their love like Neil Patrick Harris flaunts his fatherhood (we get it, you’re a hot gay dad, we’re cool with it, we were always cool with it, enough).

    I love this show, mostly because it infuriates me on a weekly basis. Let’s add yet another plot to the 8 that we already have! Let’s add more new characters!!! Let’s bring back characters that have been gone for 14 episodes!! At this point, I fully expect the new “A” to be either that lame tennis kid that Spencer hung out with or Emily’s dad or the first guy that played Jason. Suspense!

  8. 8
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    Also, can I get some more love for my Riley hate? That guy SUCKED. Perhaps if they would have hired an actual actor for the role, it would have been better. Season 4 is still oddly my favorite season of Buffy (I looooooooove shows about college), but Riley is the worst, except for maybe –

    Aaron Rose. Where my Gossip Girl hos at?! Again, if they’d hired a real actor, perhaps it would have worked out. Also, it would have been nice if the “actor” didn’t look like he couldn’t give an infinity amount of shit about his role during every single second he was onscreen. I swear, watching his episodes was BRUTAL. He and Serena may be neck-in-neck with Buffy and Riley.

  9. 9
    SuburBint
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

    @ Dangerously — the pic of Buffy and Riley is what completely sold me on this recap. I hate the Buffy/Riley relationship with a deep, abiding, and poisonous passion, and every time I watch season 4, I spend much of the time saying cruel and cutting things to him. Sadly, my words seem to have no effect.

    How great was it when Buffy and Spike got engaged, and Riley found Buffy looking at wedding dresses? LOVE THAT!!!! “Oh, no, he’s totally old! Well, not as old as my last boyfriend….” “I’m very tired now, and I’m going to go far away and just be… away.” Yet he always returns. And sticks around waaaay too long.

    Anyway, no, you are not along in the Riley hatred. And I don’t think it was just because Marc Blucas is a horrible actor, the whole Initiative storyline is clunky and weird and unpleasant. Also, Riley is totally just a rebound from Angel. Who is also annoying, but I don’t want to kick him in the junk every time he appears onscreen.

    Is it just me, or is Buffy kind of like Ted on How I Met Your Mother? She’s the main character and everything revolves around her, but she’s by far the last interesting character on the show. Okay, stopping now, cos I could ramble on about BtVS all day. You may now return to your regularly scheduled Pretty Little Liars discussion.

  10. 10
    SuburBint
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    @Hypnotoad I just got up, and was just on the MasterChef recap, which is why I foolishly called you Dangerously. Which is embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as if it had happened in bed, so we’re all just going to pretend like it didn’t happen. Right?

    Slinking off now to go and blush in a corner….

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Almost as embarrassing as forgetting to close my html tags. I am on a roll today! Time to step away from the computer.

  12. 12
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    I’m pretty entertained by your post right now SB…keep going

  13. 13
    SuburBint
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    @ Classy Drunk — I think I am currently a danger to myself and others, comment-wise. It’s raining today and that always makes me super sleepy, and when I’m super sleepy I lose all of my normal faculties and become a rambling, wrong-name using, html-tag-leaving-open-er. Which may be amusing at first, but will end badly.

  14. 14
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    But Em doesn’t like boys so why would Paige be so jealous of her talking to Nate for like five seconds. So jealous that she has to start drinking? Paige that’s reserved for when your girlfriend tells you she found someone else and she’s moving out of your place and in with her. Kids these days are so sensitive.

    How did Aria keep getting back in the kitchen? Don’t most places look down on that? Was there no hair in the cupcakes? Maybe that why the sucked.

    I wonder are little girls watching this and thinking the relationship with Ezra and Aria is cute.

  15. 15
    Lizbot
    Posted July 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    @Classy Drunk: Sadly, yes they are. At least my 12 and 14 year old nieces are. They think Ezra is hot and the relationship is ooooh so annoying. Which is only part of the reason I despise that story-line so much.

    I keep saying, Aria’s a teenager, so I kind of expect her to be naive and to think it’s great that her teacher wants to date it. Ezra’s a supposed adult who is so immature and whiny, it doesn’t matter to me how “cute” he ostensibly is. I’m hoping for the character to die a grizzly death by the end of the season. Is that very wrong of me?

  16. 16
    Pillania Pillania
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I fiiiinally got around to watching this episode/reading your hilarious recap.

    When did A&E go public with their relationship? I thought the only people who knew were the other PLLs and Aria’s parents. Suddenly, they’re flaunting it all over town.

    Did the only other restaurant in town burn down? They’re always at this Bronze place now. At least everything (the Bronze, the photog lady’s shop, the cupcake store, the hospital, the church) are conveniently all on the same block.

    The horrible product placement for Katy Perry’s movie (“don’t you want to see the firework sizzle?” or something) made me want to die.

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