After 45 seconds of “Previously on PLL . . .” Em, Spencer, and Aria are walking around at night and talking about how Hanna is sad and then they get to talking about “A” and Det. Wilden and all their pretty little lies, when all of a sudden the police show up. What if they want to tell Emily that Maya’s alive?! I will quit recapping immediately if that happens. I don’t care if I’m in the middle of a sentence, I will quit this shit, I will QUIT IT! Turns out the cops are stopping at Garrett’s house along with an ambulance . . . But whhhhhhhyyyy?! No one knows, until they take out Garrett’s mom on a stretcher with a breathing mask. Hmm. Also, Aria spies someone standing at the house. Someone in a hoodie. But when she alerts the other girls, Hoodie Ho isn’t there any more! Was “A” watching them?! Emily wonders why “A” would be watching and/or harming Garrett’s mother. Really, Em? Girl, even if you barely know someone, you can bet that “A” is gonna eff with their ess. Seriously. Someday Emily’s childhood Nicaraguan pen-pal will show up at her door, all, “Senorita Lesbian! I’m getting blackmailed by someone named ‘A!’ Aye yi yi!” (My apologies to all Nicaraguans.) Credits.
The first thing we see when we get back is this:
“And once again, I make the front page of the Hispter Daily Douchebagian Times. Boo-yah!”
Aria and Ezra are walking around downtown in broad daylight flaunting their filthy love in front of everyone. Why are ALL downtowns in TV shows always so packed with 10 million people? I lived in freaking Chicago and there were NEVER this many people on the sidewalks at one time where I lived. But let’s get back to why we’re all here: Hating Ezra. Aria bought him a sandwich and blah blah blah Ezra doesn’t need Aria to feed him and shit. Ezra has to go to an interview, but before Aria gets in his car, she sees Lucas acting all tweaked out and banging on a window, all, “Hey! HEY! Give me back my stuff!” Hmmmm . . .
At school, Paige shows up! Yay! I love Paige! And I didn’t even call her Samara this time! Emily invites her to see the new Katy Perry “movie.”
“Oh. Well, I asked some people to roll me naked in broken glass and then light me on fire. I’m not 100% sure if that’ll be better than the Katy Perry movie, but I’m gonna take my chances.”
Paige looks sooooo pretty, you guys. I’m loving her hair and her makeup right now. Paige says she’ll go, but she hasn’t heard from Emily in a while, so she thought Emily was avoiding her.
“Oh, god, no. No, I wasn’t avoiding you. I was just dating someone I thought was hotter and more fun and I was ignoring you completely. But she’s dead now, so let’s go on a date, runner-up!”
Em says she’s been going through a lot and needs to figure some stuff out, so Paige agrees to a “fresh start.” I hate to say it, Paige, but I kind of think you can do better. Emily’s a sweet girl, but she has more baggage than an American Airlines terminal. Then Jenna shows up and is all sight-y with everyone; Paige tells Em that Jenna had more surgery and is all about seein’ stuff now. Hmmmm . . . Paige tells Jenna “congratulations” when she walks by, which is weird. I mean, Jenna didn’t really do anything. She didn’t perform the eye surgery by herself. If it were me, I’d be all, “Hey! Now you can see how butt-ass ugly your outfits are! Just like everyone else! Awesome!” But then, I’ve always been a caring soul.
Hanna’s all mopey at her house and Ashley wonders why she’s still at home (I’m assuming Hanna’s skipping school). Hanna doesn’t “feel well” and Ashley asks if she’s heard from Caleb, which Hanna hasn’t, because Caleb isn’t returning her phone calls. I’m hoping it’s because he’s at Supercuts. Ashley tells her that things can change, but she should probably go to school and start some learnin’ in the meantime. Ashley tells Hanna that her bank is volunteering at a rummage sale and needs people to help out tonight. Um, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, bank manager man, but putting Ashley Marin in front of a bunch of loose, unmarked bills is like putting Carnie Wilson in charge of a new Old Country Buffet franchise. Nothing good can come of it. Hanna’s like, Whhaaaaaa me no wanna go! But Ashley tells her it’ll be fun and crap and junk and stuff. Hanna leaves for school but then comes right back in after her mom leaves. Why didn’t Ashley tell her to get in the car and then drive her to the school building? I don’t know.