Getting a kick out of the Big Apple
Last week we lost a smelly little rodent and by God, he had all but redeemed himself by the time he left. Isn’t that always the way? The answer is no, it isn’t, as this week will prove!
Tim said something that was cringe-worthy, and still somehow managed to be classy, about used tampons and maxi pads that reminded me of a joke about a lesbian vampire making tea that makes me gag a little every time. You’re welcome for that!
Dmitry won for an amazing and gravity-defying separates ensemble and Blorpheus FINALLY was taken to task for making the same goddamn thing every single time.
I will call you flower if I want to
A few of you expressed sympathy for Blorpheus and how hurt he was at the rare criticism, but my heart is colder and blacker than yours and his acknowledgement of the critique was basically, “well, if they want me to compromise the quality of my work, I can”. Way to learn and grow!
Not unless it’s horizontally
On to this week!
At Atlas everyone is realizing that not having their gay firefly mascot flitting around makes for a quiet and somber house. Unibrow admits to sleeping in Skunk’s bed, but that is hardly indicative of any true feelings of loss since Unibrow’s usual spot is curled up in a sock drawer. The boys consolidate rooms and Chris consolidates his personality, proving he has fully absorbed his in-utero twin to get all the bitch aspects we need for ratings. He and Blorpheus whine about how they are awesome and talented and should never be found at the bottom. They both seem like bottoms to me!
“Is someone going to help me with my purse??”
The girls are playing a whole different game and Sonjia is trying to do math on who has won what, while Elena burns her hair off. Watching Elena’s beauty routine is making me wince a little. She is a naturally lovely girl and has great genes as we learned from seeing her mother; but the pancake makeup, tarantula false eyelashes and over-processed hair are not doing her any favors.
“I think I just solved the Da Vinci code!”
They skip the fake Heidi hellos, and head straight to Radio City Music Hall to meet Tim Gunn and a bunch of USO hookers found in a time capsule under the Subway. They do their best impression of the 3rd Reich and everyone pretends to be excited by this development.
Perfect unison is something I greatly admire in both a fascist regime and a vagina
Then Herr Heidi comes out in her own dancer uniform and we will not be spared her uselessness after all. She looks great to me and does a little kick routine, holding her own at least for a mini-routine.
Much easier to hold one’s own when you’ve been choreographed around