Hey, Gasmii! I’d like to welcome you all to the series premier of Prom Queens. Here’s hoping for some delusional teenage assholes, tacky dresses, and plenty of running mascara. I was lucky enough to have gone to a high school where being on prom court was based on personality and not campaigns or daddy’s money, so this could be somewhat foreign albeit psycho and terrifyingly fascinating territory.
The opening sequence reads like a Burn Book brought to life, so I am immediately drawn in.
Andrea is a grotsky little byotch.
We’re in Tatum, Texas, so I expect lots of teased hair with economy sized Aquanet. In a school assembly, we learn that the nominees are being announced. First up is a soccer player named Marti who hasn’t even been asked to prom yet. She is a cheerleader but seems a little butch for that since she’s giving a slight Peppermint Patty from Peanuts vibe. PP is also best friends with her mother, which is a red flag for being either a homeschool-level social pariah or total ho-bag. We all know what happens to girls whose best friends are their mothers: Kim Kardashian, I’m looking at you, tramp. She has a brunette to blond ombré effect in her ratty hair that reads less Vidal Sassoon and more 9-inch-roots. Her mother says she’s a very caring person, and the montage gives the message that she’s the underdog who never pursued this route, so I’m guessing she wins. PP has never “done this stuff” or put herself out there, so she’s nervous.
“I swear I like boys!”
Our next nominee is Andrea, a self-proclaimed “spoiled little brat princess.” Yes, we hate her already. Her title card claims she is a beauty pageant winner, but I’m sorry, this trick looks like a grown-ass Honey Boo Boo with a tan and a slightly better SHH, IT’S A WIG! For real, bitch is in urgent need of a weave doctor.
I farm myself!
Her credits also say that she is a future pig farmer, but I don’t know how much of a future you have when you are the one due for the slaughter. Blandrea has zero personality. I swear her mother said she just won the “Miss Jabberwocke Pageant.” It sounds about right, having won a nightmarish chimera competition. Maybe her talent portion was devouring virgin souls while flawlessly singing a Miley Cyrus song.
“And I got these in a baby eating contest!”
Back in the assembly, the girls (presumably the prom court nominees) are playing tug-of-war with the guys. Luckily we see such small snippets of it that it doesn’t make me want to cut myself too much. The girls win. Woo-hoo! And aren’t all these girls really going to end up as sad woo-hoo girls drinking their pain away?
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