SEVEN DAYS UNTIL PROM
At The Glitz Bridal Salon and Prom Boutique, hot mess Blandrea and her mother show up to try on the horrid, Rockette-like outfits they sell. Or rent probably, if you can deal with the pungent odor of taint sweat, ambition, and settling-for-mediocrity. A frighteningly tan crypt keeper greets our ladies, and we learn that Blandrea’s mother thinks her daughter’s style is weird.
Ahhh! It’s a Skeksis with a tan, kill it kill it kill it!
Well, that’s one way of putting it. Tickety-tack-tranny-hot-mess-out-of-control-super-tranny-from Transylvania-who-is-not-apologizing-for-it is more like it. Blandrea comes out in an orange and gold cheetah print crusty mess with a courseted top and sparkle muffin ruffle bottom.
Girl, we need to talk.
Mommy is NOT feeling the look and vetoes it stat. As you’ll recall, Blandrea is a spoiled brat, so of course she gets her way. “It is taking me a MEENUTE on this dress,” and so mom coms around. This is why you should never be friends with your kids. Don’t be afraid to tell them all about themselves and question their choices. I wish I could be there to witness Blandrea truly being denied something for the first time in her life. I also wish I could be there to punch her in the titty. Her toilet scrub of a garment is a $475 piece of shit bridesmaid dress for a trailer park wedding. I’m sure she’ll look lovely in it whilst conceiving her first child in the back of a helicopter. But I get ahead of myself.
FIVE DAYS UNTIL PROM
Can we talk about the narrator? This bitch is useless. She adds nothing to the show that chyrons couldn’t accomplish and adds a layer of smegma-y cheesiness that could have been avoided altogether. She’s also a bitch. She tells us that PP picked the sale route. Her endearingly country mother explains to her old-as-balls father that it’s a conservative choice. At this point I can only take that to mean it has at least one shoulder strap.
Miss Mennonite 2012
But no! It’s a strapless mint green, drapey floor-length gown (“matched” with a tiara of course) that has hints of blue running along the middle from her bosom. It’s a cute beach look for a Miami housewife, but this girl with a tiara on her sad head of hair does not have the shape for it.
Still love you, boo!
To his credit, Marti’s father says he loves it as long as she likes it, so good on him. He either wants to raise his daughter properly or that butch wife of his has some major shit ancient ass. Her dress only cost $175, but I think she could have done better in a Hefty cinch-sack for a bout fifty cents.
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