Prom Queens Recap: Teenagers and Tiaras

Her best friend Casey is there to view Marti’s dress for the first time, and we learn that they made a promise to go to senior prom with each other but that she would still like to be asked.  I guarantee there is some (possibly latent) homosexuality on one of their ends for this situation to be happening.  The narrator warns us “careful cowboy, better get on the horse or dad’s gonna dust off his tux and take her himself.”  YEAH, because that would totally clinch the vote for prom queen and ensure his daughter’s social wellbeing. 

FOUR DAYS UNTIL PROM

We’re reminded of “audacious Andrea’s” safari look (just shoot her with a rifle and say you thought she was a rhino), and all I can think of is the horrifying trend of camouflage prom dresses.  It’s a damn travesty that I’m even able to tell you about this, but look that shit up. 

Just the garment to wear to Prom with your brother-uncle.

It’s campaign day in Tatum, so let’s see how far our ladies are willing to go.  There’s a brief shot of the modern day high school kids mimicking the Night At The Roxbury head bob, which blows my fucking mind since I didn’t think our current youth have knowledge of anything pre-Justin Bieber.  I wonder if they also know who the Spice Girls are!

PP is handing out candy and spouting stupid sayings, but she seems so genuinely likable that I can’t help but say, awwww.  Back in my day (HEY, it wasn’t that long ago), we didn’t have to campaign.  The athletic kids who were nice to everyone were the winners and we didn’t have to suck any cocks to do it.  Well, the sucking just didn’t factor into voting.

Blandrea and her crew of clones are handing out legit treats and practically breaking legs to get votes out of the high school lemmings.  Her mother’s “cup runneth over” when she thinks of all of Blandrea’s accomplishments.  My eyes runneth out the back of my head from rolling at this bitch talking about Blandrea’s so-called accomplishments. 

“My DDD cups runneth over.”

THREE DAYS UNTIL PROM

Peppermint Patty still doesn’t have an official date to prom, and her beard/beardee Casey is right there to meet her at a totally unscripted scene on the football field.  The narrator tells us that “it looks like he’s made a rush to the dollar store,” as he stands there with a bouquet of flowers.  Fuck you, narrator, for trying to manipulate me into thinking Casey got those somewhat pretty flowers at the dollar store.  They are AT LEAST gas station quality.  Not like a barefoot Britney Spears one either.

“Hey, I’m not into you, and this is crazy, but I’m a homo, so prom me maybe?”

Casey finally asks Marti to prom, and I can only smile since she looks truly happy.  You just keep on wishing, Grace Adler.  PP’s mom tells us that at her senior prom she went with her best guy friend, and now Marti is doing the same.  AWWWW.  Also, if I squint my eyes and look five years into the future, Casey is totally hot.  Oh then the narrator shits on our parade by saying that he is just what Marti is looking for: “some cheap flowers and a pulse.”  Bitch, you are supposed to be on our side!