The ladies are all packing for their trip to Vegas. Brandi takes floss and KY and Marissa’s mom comes over and brow beats her about her terrible taste. LOL. So that’s where she gets her winning attitude to those she loves. It’s always the mom’s fault. Even you moms sitting there reading this. You feel offended that I just said that, but why are you defensive? BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER MADE YOU THAT WAY. See?
Mom begs to come to Vegas and Marissa says oh hell no. She doesn’t need someone calling her ugly and talentless while she’s trying to focus on the Wheel of Fortune slots.
Ken tells Lisa that he just wants her pole dancing for him and they giggle with their old people sex jokes. He doesn’t get how being a stripper is empowering to a woman. When you give yourself Hepatitis C, you’re in charge of your own destiny, Ken. get with the program.
Speaking of female empowerment, Yoli is skipping the first night of the Vegas trip to stay home and “cater to” her “king.” Ugh. She knows that a hot ho will fuck her man for a Chanel handbag and thanks to Suzanne Somers, she’s still giving off enough pheromones to get laid in a pinch herself. So, it’s very important to make sure she keeps her man happy. Men are simple. They just want food, boobs, and someone to clean the shit out of their pants when they’re old. I hope these two stay together forever, and I super duper hope that they do it off of my TV. Gloria Steinem must be poking her fucking eardrums out by now.
Over in Vegas, the other girls have arrived and are determined to have a good time. Camille is gonna do her best to pretend that she hasn’t done the stripper thing throughout her twenties. They go to dinner and the drinks start a flowin. Thank God! What would the Housewives be without booze?
Marissa is sad cuz she misses her kids. Oh wah, those brats? Be done with them! You’re on TV! Get some decent stationary to convince them you love them twice a year while they’re at boarding school and stop your whining. Brandi gives her shit about not loving her husband as much as he loves her and tells her to cut the crap cuz she could be forced to teach a stripper class in Vegas for cash after he leaves her. Marissa takes this to heart but explains that hatred is part of her love. AW!
B says that she just wants to have fun and prove to everyone that she’s more than a white trash skank who tells rich people to stfu, but they need to understand that she has to be tough. Kyle says she needs to learn to trust. LOL! Yes, B. Trust Kyle to get everyone she knows to come after you so she doesn’t have to, arrange multiple public events that you can be dragged through the mud at, and then spend her kid’s party trying to convince the rich old rubber lady that she hates you sufficiently enough to earn a spot at the Maloof Manse that daddy’s money built.
Brandi opens up about her marriage and getting cheated on, etc. It’s very touchy feely, which means I want to run and hide. Thankfully, this opens the door to Camille telling the table that Frasier couldn’t get it up for the past few years of their marriage. LOL!! Well done, Cam!
With the sweet stuff out of the way, they start dissing LeAnn and talk about how she’s copied everything from Brandi’s style to her anorexia. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I guess. Her fucking your husband should feel like a hug. A super bony, wine smelling, psychotic hug.
Brandi is getting along great with everyone, so she starts talking about her vagina before Kyle’s pleasant expression puts her to sleep. She tells a story about how one of her kids thought her vagina had a tail once when she was wearing a tampon, and Kyle tops that by saying one of her kids asked why her vagina had a tag on it when she was wearing a tampon. I am laughing and cringing and crying inside right now.