She’s also got a housekeeper. Somewhere in Romania there’s a Post Office with wanted signs taped to the walls bearing this sweet lady’s picture. I’m not suggesting that Fail kidnapped her on her own, that could never happen. She’s got a GIANT crucifix on, which means she’s a really good person you guys. It also means that she’s practical.
It’s big enough to nail herself to during the next ludicrous fight she starts.
Fail is making her maid make dinner for Ad/Paul and Kyle/Mauri. It’s Spanish/Mexican/Latin/Puerto Rican/Armenian/Czechoslovakian/Whateverthefuckthekidnappedmaidcomesupwith. She says the ethnic meal is in honor of Mauri. She even sponges down his chair so his back is wet when he sits. How…thoughtful?
Paul gives Ad shit for not eating. He’s done so much free work on her face that it’s time to move on to fat cells before she turns into the dude from Vendetta.
Everyone complements Fail on not being fall down drunk or sobbing or throwing fits or hiding in suitcases. That extra four ounces of filler she’s got in her cheeks is really adding a healthful glow. Congrats! She thanks them and passes around the collection plate. Always be afraid when you see a cross that big.
Fail says that she’s on her life’s mission spreading the news about domestic violence and she wants Paul and Mauri to walk a mile in women’s shoes to prove a point. Or something. Domestic violence is bad, m’kay? We get it. How bout you change your life’s mission to paying back the millions you swindled from innocent people? It’s not as glamorous as giggling about getting beat while overly hetero men stumble around a block in heels, but it’ll be fun for the people you ripped off.
Mauri and Paul moan and groan, as if being married to Kyle and Ad weren’t already the most emasculating experience on Earth. PS no one does creepy foreshadowing like this show. Watching everyone laugh about the abuse benefit when we know that in a few months Adrienne is going to accuse her husband of abuse is…gross. It’s gross. But can the guys make it? The walk is the same day of Portia’s party. DUNDUNDUUUUUUUUN!!!!
This is a tiny break to remind everyone that Portia’s four fucking years old, k? Let’s carry on. First, Heather from RHOC comes on with a deodorant commercial. Then Jeni from Flipping Out comes on with a deodorant commercial. How unbathed is the Bravo audience?
Never know when you’re gonna have to screw gun a chandelier.
Let’s head over to Hollywood, where the descamisados, trannies and recappers live.
Guess which one is me.