What a treat! I get to explore yet another city full of Housewives! This last spring I became intimate with the ladies of Orange County and now for one week only, I am honored to introduce you to the latest Miami girls! Your regular recapper had to miss the first one, so I’m kicking this season off.
A quick trip around Bravotv.com informed me that only three cast members survived season one of this tackifest, so we are meeting four entirely new evil women tonight. There’s also a straggler, Alexia, from season one who will be popping in now and then. From what I can tell from just one episode, these women actually seem to be well-funded, which I’m not used to, having just finished Orange County where they’re all living foreclosure to foreclosure. But cash aside, the delusions of grandeur run just as rampant. In fact, I was hard pressed to find ANY cast member likeable. They are each just SO concerned with impressing themselves and being defensive about it that I had to work to even stay focused. I fell asleep several times during the first viewing. But enough about me – let’s meet these bitches!
We begin by jewelry shopping with veteran Marysol and her mother Elsa, who looks like a muppet in a hospital burn unit. Elsa says something about the plastic surgeon “who ruined her face,” so at least she’s not walking around thinking that disaster on top of her shoulders looks good.
“Do you carry anything in the full facial coverage category?”
Marysol’s face isn’t quite as tragic, but it still looks beyond messed with. Marysol tells us that she and her husband are separated, news that shakes me to the core. Elsa tells Marysol she foresees new people in her life. Elsa is psychic, you see. That comment had nothing to do with the new cast members.
Next we drop in on newcomer Ana, who WISHES she still looked like her adolescent daughters and is most definitely making use of plastic surgery to fool herself into thinking she does. She tells us she’s a lawyer, but has recently fallen in love with cooking. Her husband Robert and she have been separated for two years, but they’re still besties and spend all their time together. Sounds like a wise idea to end that failure of a marriage. Ana assures us that their family is not traditional but that she does not care what we think about it and that’s the truth. I guess that’s fair since it’s safe to say that I don’t care about ANYTHING Ana thinks either. Ana was surprised to discover that it was not possible to be a full time mom and a full time lawyer. Yeah, when you try to take 100% away from 100% and find you are left with nothing, you realize that math is hard.