Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Retooled and Ridonk

Recaps

By Honey Gangsta | Monday, September 17, 2012 | 7:00 am | 47 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Miami, Recaps

Lisa tries to greet Lea, but Lea brushes her aside and makes a huge fuss over burned muppet Elsa.  Lisa is particularly perturbed that someone could be so nonchalant about the wife of the Boob God, live and in person.  She tries to get Lea’s attention by suggesting that they all do shots, but Lea is not impressed.  In other awkward intros, Joanna tells Elsa she understands that she is a psychic or spiritual healer or something.  Elsa acts sedated, mumbles that she doesn’t do anything and that she needs a chair.  Nice to meet you too!  

Oh goody, here’s Karent, our edgy Colombian dentist and her soap star boyfriend.  Ana is happy to see soap star Rodolpho because apparently she has been carrying on some sort of texting relationship with him.  When they come face to face Rodolpho tells Ana it’s nice to meet her and kisses her on the cheek.  Ha!  What does THAT mean?  Ana mentions something about herself and Rodolpho to Joanna who whispers it to someone else and the next thing you know there is a hubbub around the party as to whether or not Karent and Rodolpho are actually a couple.  Adriana, for one, is confused because she KNOWS that Karent and Rodolpho are a couple.  Will this mystery ever be solved?

In other drama, Romain texts Joanna something bad about Marta (I didn’t quite catch what) and Marta sees the text and starts to cry.  She tells the other girls that Romain will tell her she looks fat when she leaves the house.  You know, all three people in that household sound miserable and like people to be avoided at all costs.  Meanwhile, Elsa faints.  Or at least falls down on the floor.  Someone calls 911 and Elsa is taken away by a bunch of blurred faces on a stretcher.  Hopefully to a burn specialist.  Well done, Elsa!  The focus came right back around to you!  

Somewhere in Miami an actual emergency goes unaided.

This season you can pop some popcorn to watch lots of old ladies strutting their surgically enhanced butts in string bikinis, the proverbial girls-trip-turned-giant-cat-fight, and a completely contrived rivalry between “New Miami Money” and “Old Miami Money.”  Mostly you can expect to continually see faces stretched so thin on facial bone that no expression is possible.  I’m pretty sure we eventually get to fisticuffs.  Tarts and Doofuses!  I’m calling it now.

So what do you all think of the new cast?  Anyone got a hankering for some plastic surgery?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Late one afternoon in 2005, Honey Gangsta received an invite to join a two person blog set up by her former roommate who had recently ditched LA (California knows how to party) for the bright lights of NYC (these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you). The purpose of the blog was to continue their nightly ritual of ripping on reality TV, which could no longer be done in person. Since Honey Gangsta was still watching 18 hours of TV a day and had nothing else to do, she agreed. 10,000 hits later, HG was inspired to submit a Bachelor recap to TVgasm - no one was reporting on Officer Mayo and his time traveling DeLorean - and the rest is history. It's been said that she writes what you're thinking. It's been said she is a genius - a Blogger Laureate of her time. It's also been said that the earth is flat and no one landed on the moon, so you just never know. With her keen observations, and colorful commentary, Honey Gangsta is beloved the world over.

47 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Not that it needs repeating but holy rhinoplasty. They all have the same nose and Brooke Burke and that is not a compliment. Why would you take half of your nose off? Terrible, terrible work.

    If this season is going to be fights over text messaging I don’t know if I can do it. We shall see.

  2. 2
    msjacqmills
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:01 am

    The wife to the boob god (don’t remember her name) looks just like Daisy from Rock of Love. Muppet face, fake boobies, the way she talks – the whole shebang. Ick!

  3. 3
    cloudsinmycoffee
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Elsa creeps me the fuck out. Her maid singing her to sleep (or calm or whatever) was slightly disturbing, and while everyone thinks she’s awesome I think she’s a leech onto her pathetic face-slowly-into-mother’s-face-Marysol. Ghost of future present for Marysol!

  4. 4
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:23 am

    This was a pretty good episode for an opener. I do want to see where the text message gate is going to go.

  5. 5
    eyediosmio Reagirl
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:30 am

    I live in Miami and let me tell you, the bad plastic surgery is RAMPANT! And especially in the older women. I see it all the time and I think it’s awful. Their grandchildren must weep when they come back from the doctor’s office. “Why does that monster sound like my abuela?!!!”

    Apparently, there’s big business in South America/Central America. People will fly there, get the procedure done for on the cheap, and come back looking like Muppets. Muy sexy, no?

  6. 6
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:33 am

    If they show the text messages then I may have slightly more interest in Textmessagegate 2012 but, if not the voices on these women drive me up the wall.

  7. 7
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:40 am

    I don’t understand why people think pulling your face as tight as it will go then adding fillers would be sexy. I mean most people didn’t think J-Lo’s butt was awesome, but now everyone LOVES it. So maybe in 10 years looking like muppets will be sexy???

  8. 8
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 9:17 am

    @HoneyGangsta ROFL @Tarts and Doofuses! And Brent Bolthouse! I bet he misses being a hanging booger on Heidi Montag’s 15 minutes!

    They could make the whole show about Mama Elsa and I’d be happy. She’s OK now BTW. And is starting a web spinoff. And a coffee line!

    I don’t know about the new 1s. Except maybe Mimi. She’s got Mr thxbai and me singing Amapola to each other at random times now. So I count that as a talent. For affecting the audience.

    I miss Larsa. And her other mean girl BFF. I forgot her name though. She might still be there. Just not as memorable.

  9. 9
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Technically they are all new money.

  10. 10
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Christy and Larissa mixed it up and upset these women. Thus why I liked them.

    Not sure I would be so happy with Bravo alluding to me being a slut in the first episode, but one gives up their soul for reality tv.

    Waiting for the slap heard around the real housewife world.

  11. 11
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:00 am

    @labowner Christy! That’s her name. Thanks! And you’re right. Their $’s so new some of it’s still on the night stand. But that’s what makes them so funny!

  12. 12
    mere2142
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Can someone refresh my memory – wasn’t Frenchy Marisol’s 3rd or 4th husband? Girl has got quite a track record.

  13. 13
    Terrence
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Frenchy was her 3rd husband. I liked how Elsa was like forget about him and get a new one. Just like getting another car haha.

    That poor dog though. I’ll bet that closet doesn’t smell too good.

    Honestly I wasn’t impressed by the first episode but I realize that you have to have some introduction time with four new characters. So I will still be watching. I haven’t met a Housewive show I didn’t watch even the DC one. But living in the DC area I’m a little biased.

  14. 14
    SomeCleverThing
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:44 am

    I want whatever drugs Mama E is on. They will be necessary in order to get through watching another episode of this show.

    Also, I couldn’t help but notice Marysol kind of looks like one of the Who’s from the live action Grinch movie that got made a few years back.

  15. 15
    Adelefig
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Wasn’t the one who is a “model”…. Joanna, on Dancing with the Stars???” maybe I just made that up but she looked a bit familiar

  16. 16
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Honey Gangsta, you outdid yourself on this one! Freakin’ Hil.Ar.I.Ous recap!!!

  17. 17
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

    @Adelefig, yes she was on there. She was a semi finalist.

  18. 18
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

    The only “Housewife” franchise I can stand is Atlanta, and even that was getting tedious the last time around. However, due to Honey Gangsta’s funny recap, I may have to stoop to this one. Yikes, that old lady’s face is terrifying! Lon Chaney himself couldn’t have created a face so monstrous! If she’s a psychic, though, how come she didn’t have enough ESP to select a real doctor to work on her face? It looks like she hired that transgendered hack who used Pennzoil or whatever it was as a filler. No wonder their poor dog has to hide.

  19. 19
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

    WTF how big was that rock Marysol was sporting?

  20. 20
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Say what you want about these chickees, at least they have some real bodies with curves.

  21. 21
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Thought the same thing about the closet. GROSS.

    BF ran over to me and looked at me like he just saw Large marge and said “WTF IS THAT THING?”

    LOL, I said you’ll grow to love her. She is very…odd.

  22. 22
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Oh and bitchy doc wants me to believe she has a successful practice but parks her Mercedes in the street?

  23. 23
    Hbgchick
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Awww, Daisy from Rock of Love! You’re right msjacqmills, she DOES look like her! I knew there was something familiar to you but couldn’t place it (and didn’t spend too much time thinking about it) but it’s Daisy all right! Lol. Made me nostalgic for ol’ Brett and Co.

  24. 24
    labowner
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Am I the only one who sees a young Harold Ramis in Robert, Ana’s soon to be ex?

  25. 25
    msjacqmills
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    @adelfige – I thought the model was on that one competition show where they matched models up with professional athletes. I didn’t watch the whole show, but I thought maybe she was the one that was a total bitch and got matched up with Terrell Owens.

  26. 26
    TinkerbellAPixie TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Msjacqmills – you are right about Joanna Kruppa being teamed up with Terrell Owens on that show. She was completely awful to him, constantly badgering and berating him. She is truly an ugly woman on the inside – so much so that I can’t see the beauty on the outside anymore. Kinda like Elsa – YEESH! This show needs a warning in the beginning so no one let’s their kids see her hideous beast of a face.

  27. 27
    Shaggyone
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I also found myself trying to like at least one of these bitches. The best I could come up with was that I like none of them, but the train wreck that is Elsa may keep me watching. I never saw a sinle episode of season one, and am surprised that they actually thought a season two would be a good idea. Next to Atlanta, these are the worst housewives ever. Come on miss Andy. Pah leez!

  28. 28
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    @Shaggyone Mama Elsa’s why we’re getting season 2!

  29. 29
    2muchbravo
    Posted September 17, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    I agree that all these chicks are new money. I think there is more going on with Mama Elsa’s face than bad plastic surgery.

    I don’t know if I can invest time to watch but I’ll def. check out the recap.

  30. 30
    Katie
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 6:27 am

    The Miami franchise was originally canceled but Andy Cohen “fell in love” with Ugly Elsa so it was reborn.

    The first season centered around whether or not one cast member paid for her ticket to one of Lea’s charity event and it went from there. Another cast member could not keep a nanny for longer than 2 weeks and then Marysol married her 3rd husband on a mountain top and that was about it.

    It was blessedly pulled from the schedule until Andy discovered he really, really found Elsa amusing so back it came minus the nanny changer and the one who did not pay for the ticket.

    Miami reeked then, does now, but the recaps are good enough for me since I have no interest whatsoever in watching this pile of poop which I think is also going to include a transvestite as a secondary “housewife” for some reason that only Andy can explain.

  31. 31
    Mimo
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Last season someone tracked down “before” pictures of Elsa. She was pretty as a picture.

  32. 32
    polk8dot
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 7:02 am

    @Mimo – she actually looked like a 10 years older clone of Larsa, which I found hilarious given Larsa’s animosity towards her. I’ve since seen several pictures from about 20-30 years ago, and Elsa was HOT! And it appears to have been all natural (in contrast to Larsa). She had that animal magnetism of Sophia Loren, that came thru even in flat pictures. She was also very fashionable, and clearly dedicated to upkeeping her appearance.
    It is a horrible shame what happened to some of the women who went to ‘butcher’ plastc surgeons. Case in point – Priscilla Presley. It must be very painful for them, physically and emotionally, to have been a beauty all your life, obviously a bit obsessed with the physical appearance thus the surgeries, and end up looking like a cookie monster, with permanent and irrevocable damage.
    I realize that had they not been soooo vain that would not have happened, and yet I can’t help feeling awful for them. They did not hurt anyone, they were simply feeding their own silly delusions, and to have to pay for it with half a life time of disfigurement is just not fair.
    Plus, Mama Elsa is ‘special’. Once you get past the physical, the entertainment value skyrockets. Had she still been beautiful, her attitude and mostly unintentional bitchiness would be too much to stomach; but with the ugliness of the face, her outlook on life and people became one of the best things about this franchise.
    On to Joanna, my countrywoman, a Polish girl who came here and made something of herself. Although you have to admire that, it is clearly diminished by the fact that there was no hard work behind it, only winning genetic lottery and dumb luck. While she was never truly a ‘supermodel’, she was very successful. But one thing about her is true, though sad – she IS A MEGA BITCH! She has no appreciation for ‘lower people’, she holds huge grudges, she is vengeful and mean-spirited, and has a major alcohol addiction. (Her cutesy ‘Polish! Vodka! Duh!’ was crass, crude and a complete sell-out). Few more years and she will lose all the bloom of youth, and then there will be nothing left but plastic surgeries, hateful personality and a parade of older and older rich boyfriends. No wonder she is trying SOOOO hard to ‘branch out’ into the reality TV, famewhoring and debasing herself more with each new show.

  33. 33
    labowner
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Polk I laughed at her outrage of not being on the cover of a local rag magazine. Does she not realize she is considered “old” in the modeling world now and she should be happy anyone wants to photograph her?

  34. 34
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I think that rag mag is free to boot. Ha. Vapid bitch.

  35. 35
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 11:11 am

    @polk8dot You said that all so good! My guess is we’d stomach her attitude the same whether she had any operations or not though. At least she didn’t fall into the trap of putting all your eggs in your face’s basket. Because it’s the 1s that never scraped up any kind of personality or brains that spend their old age crying in the mirror. And a good many of them stay even drunker than Mama Elsa.

  36. 36
    2muchbravo
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    I really dislike these nouveau riche ho’s who think that because they have money they’re classy. The commercial that’s running for epi 2 keeps showing Karent commenting about gossip about her, “People are saying me and him aren’t a couple.” When I hear that it’s like a needle scratching across a record.
    People who think they’re all that with such bad grammar just makes me shake my head.

  37. 37
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted September 18, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    This really might be an interesting season. The ‘coming attractions’ looked kinds wild.

    Adriana has always been muy loca, Lea an occasionally likeable witch, and Marysol pretty laid back.

    I can guarantee I’ll change my tune at some future episode, but at this point Ana and (believe it or not) LISA seem to be the most ‘real’, at least as far as a seemingly contrived reality show goes lol.

    Oh, and as much of a bitch as Joanna appears to be…her whiny little TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD sister needs to get a life!

  38. 38
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 19, 2012 at 1:39 am

    @AmyOops How many episodes do you guess it’ll be before the boyfriend gets caught hooking up with the whiny 26 yr sister?

  39. 39
    LAC LAC
    Posted September 19, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Ai, Papi!! The’re back!!

    Ughh – I am having a hard time telling the new bitches apart. There’s self-absorbed brunette, self absorbed blonde, self-absorbed brunette, etc, etc.

    Polka, so true about Joanna. She is already hitting 8 on the twatmeter (and it goes up to 10).

    I just can’t look at Elsa for any long period of time. That face just screams “80′s horror movie monster reveal” to me. That said, I still like watching her and Marysol interact.

    I see that Lea’s plastic surgery has not addressed that loud “Chicken lady” (“Kids in the Hall” reference for you to YouTube) voice of hers.

  40. 40
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted September 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

    @kthxbai: Oh you clever thing you lol! You read my mind…I love how your question presumes they already ARE hooking up (as do I), and ask how many episodes before they are caught!

    Hmmm. Damn that is difficult to predict. Do they reveal it soon and make it a dishy story line quickly? Or do they hold off so we are “shocked”?

    Okay, I’m gonna say by episode fiiiiv …SIX!

    What say you!?!

  41. 41
    realhousewivesfan
    Posted September 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    So happy they gave Miami a reboot. last season sucked but the reunion was too good, i think thats why it was renewed. I liked it, i watch EVERY franchise and this looks like it’ll rank second place after Beverly Hills. i Know its early on and in the beggining things are duller, this show is gonna be crazy, i can tell ya that haha

  42. 42
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted September 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Hey kthxbai, I’m beginning to wonder about the mean jackass with the almost lettuce name and the sister. I’m reading Joanna’s blog, and she goes on and on about her wonderful fiancée. By the by, she also spend three quarters of it “defending” herself and her actions at the shoot (although I don’t think she was THAT bad – I guess she felt she was), and the rest touting her amazing work as an animal acivist.

    Hmmm. A narcissistic “housewife”. That’s different, right?

  43. 43
    annie Annie
    Posted September 19, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Holy shit, I have never seen a group more self absorbed, completely out of touch with reality fake bitches in my life.

    Has Lea had some work done? Lost weight? I notice her teeth are out of control. Jezzzus she looks weird.

  44. 44
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 20, 2012 at 9:25 am

    @AmyOops They’ve already got their blogs up? I’ll have to go look at those. Thx!

    I think episode 6 should be about right. For the sister lettuce wrap. But they might push it back some in Joanna’ case. Because it might take more time for anybody to care. Since so many people are just watching to see Mama Elsa.

  45. 45
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted September 20, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    @kthxbai good point!

    And I should be thanking YOU and the Gasmii lol. I didn’t even know the blogs existed until I read about them here. Whoopsy.

  46. 46
    labowner
    Posted September 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    What the? Has anyone seen the previews for Elsa Coffee? She looks fantastic (for her) in her talking head.

  47. 47
    ginmill
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

    OMG that lady is it Eva Marysol’s mother why would Bravo think for one minute anyone wants to spend 3 seconds looking at that face it makes me feel ill.
    Only have seen RHONJ and RHONY watched this one episode and won’t bother again. I watch RHONY to see the Whack Job Ramona of the scary eyes she makes me laugh she is a complete nut bob.
    And you have to watch RHONJ to listen to TG delude herself constantly that she does nothing wrong and everyone else does and that her porker pig husband cares two cents about her ad that she doesn’t mother the worst lot of horrid brats on the planet but Miami whoo too cuckoo for me. And way to much plastic surgery going on there.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.