Welcome back to the Guidice car, and The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The stench of pork and sweat practically permeates through the television screen. And the anger…oh my, the Brown Smurf is not in a very friendly mood at all. He has transitioned to full on hatred for everyone Teresa is related to. Or knows. Or is related to by marriage. Yes, that means his own parents. “I’ll kick my own parents out if dey get in da middl-a dis,” he barks at Teresa.
He says her brother and parents are not welcome in their house. Or wait, let me tell you exactly what he says, cause it’s so articulate and lovely – “I can’t stand your bitch brother going back and forth.”
Nah, what he means is that he loves my brother and he just wishes the…ya know, ingrediences mixed better. Whaddya want, he’s a Gemini.
When Ter points out that her parents want them to get along, he wisely replies, “Those people are no good, jealous idiots.” Then he tells her when he says something, she should listen and shut up. So Mel saying “re-done house” will start a hundred year war, but her own husband telling her to shut up gets brushed off with a “Don’t tell me to shut up.”
And then she just lets him keep going. He tells her he’ll leave her. He swears by his kids that he will. Awww, that’s what parenthood’s all about. Having someone to swear on when you’re threatening your wife to leave her if she talks to her parents. “Fuck you wit your family, don bring ‘em up to me anymore,” he concludes. “When he’s upset, he babbles,” explains Teresa. No big deal.
Yeah, so what he means is that he loves me and the kids and my parents and…ya know, people are just jealous cause I’m a best-selling author.
Then it’s off to the gym with the new clique in Franklin Lakes, Lebanese Dilbert and Midge Joe Gorga. They’re working out at the shittiest gym on the east coast. No joke – it’s got a huge banner out front advertising $9.99. A month? A year? An hour? That would actually sort of make sense, the way these two lovebirds have been bonding.
Dilbert wants to be involved He prods Midge into admitting he feels bad when he sees his wife with her sisters. Which somehow leads to Midge’s inability to tell Kat that he loves her. “Because you’re embarrassed that you can’t tell your sister,” nods Dilbert knowingly. WTF is this idiot talking about?
Hey, whaddya know, it’s the Vice President of Slim Jim Inventory from my gas station! Man, all the movers and shakers are here at the $9.99 gym.
So Midge does admit that he called Ter “a fucking bitch” at the pool party – or is it THE POOL PARTY? I think it’s THE POOL PARTY. Anyway, maybe he should be telling his sister he loves her, he thinks out loud. He does sort of sell the remorse. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before another THE GOLDDIGGER COMMENT hits the airwaves.
And how’s Lauren Manzo? Embracing her starvation cleanse, staying positive, getting healthy? Well, I said Lauren Manzo so you know none of the above. We’re still chubby, unhappy and unwilling to do anything about it other than complain. Oh, but can we first allow Caroline to interject about how “all my life, I was tiny”.
Tiny. Like a JV football player.
Caroline’s tiny in the same universe where Lauren’s a size 8. But anything to make the kid feel worse about her size. And she’s done such a good job of it, that Lauren is now blaming her father for giving her the fat gene. “Nice to know that it’s your fault,” she tells him, clearly relieved that she no longer has to take any responsibility for her weight. Not Lauren’s fault!
Chris knows he’s next in Caro’s path of critique, so he races to tell us that he knows he too is bulking up, but they should all just come to terms with the fact that Albie is “insanely good looking”. This family is creepy. And in need of glasses. And as everyone now knows, I’d take Christopher in a minute over Albie.