Meanwhile, Al Sr. is telling us much joy it brought him to have a daughter who was fat in high school , because no one wanted to go out with her. Then he tells her she’d be prettier if she was thinner . Then Caro tells us that Lauren was such a fat loser in high school that her brother took her to prom. Then Caroline tells us how cruel the rest of the world can be.
But not me, your tiny Mom. I’m not trying to hurt you – not like the rest of the cruel, cruel, skinny world.
We also learn that Chris embraces his beer belly (he is so the type to make up a fake belly button voice), Al Sr. has a lap band and that in addition to being a failure at diets and the makeup biz, Lauren also sucks at golf.
Back to the Guidice house, where Brown Smurf is doing sit ups. And talk about embracing a beer belly. The milkman’s kid is also working out. Well, smart. Got to be able to protect yourself against Milania. Gia is angrily typing on her iPhone. Teresa calls Jacquee, who wasn’t at THE POOL PARTY to tell her side of things. The baby crawls around the floor with makeup all over her face. The baby is the new Milania.
Jacquee says that Ter thinks she can shield her kids, but Gia has seen and heard a lot and Jacquee wouldn’t want her kid to think it was okay to talk like Ter and Midge do. Of course not, Jacquee prefers her kids spoiled and useless. She asks Ter if her brother has reached out to her, and Ter pauses but then says no. And while Jacquee has Ter on the phone, why not invite her to field day with everyone who hates her? Great idea, where’d you get that one from, THE POOL PARTY? THE SOLSTICE PARTY?
We learn that field day will be a day of playing games and that Gia is “super competitive”. So, that should end well. Ter thinks it’s going to be weird with her brother there. She reminds us that she loves him more than anything, and “what are we gonna do, rehash?” Hmmm. I wonder. Brown Smurf, despite his proven athletic prowess will not be attending field day. But to tell the truth, Ter tells us, she doesn’t want him there. He will be going down the shore with the girls.
And now it’s time for body image issues with Lauren and Jacquee! They’re going shopping for “fun clothes for field day”. FUN FOR WHO???? First, we hear more about how Lauren wants to lose 35-40 pounds, which will cure everything wrong in her life. Jacquee is the nicest of anyone, she tells Lauren that body self-hatred is totally normal. Of course. If it weren’t for body image issues, what would girls ever even talk about?
Lauren’s biggest concern is failure. Well, just keep stuffing your face and you won’t have to worry about it anymore. Jacquee tells her if she falls of the wagon one day, just get back on the next day. Then it’s more whining about how Lauren wears a bra to bed and wants a breast reduction, which will surely fix everything in her life that the diet won’t get to. Jacquee shares that she’s had two breast reductions. Then she goes into excruciatingly, terrifying detail. Areolas were mentioned. I will spare you the rest.
Lauren hates how she looks in everything, but Jacquee reminds her that some dudes like a thicker girl – or as she says, “More cushion for the pushin’.” Then she decides that she hates how she looks in everything too and just wants that “laser thing that burns fat”.
Back at Teresa’s she has inexplicably outfitted her kids in overalls and pink do-rags and we’re catching up on dance class. Gia informs us that she has “a lot of solo parts”. Milania curses and tries to bite someone. That’s my girl! The milkman’s kid is watching herself dance in the mirror, and dreaming of another life.