Midge tells Mel that he texted Ter the day after THE POOL PARTY that he was her brother and he loves her. He thinks she’s a fucking bitch, but besides that they’re BFF. “Something’s going on with her, she’s emotional,” Midge says. No kidding. She’s bankrupt. She’s married to a soon to be incarcerated Brown Smurf. Her 10 year old is wearing a padded bra. Yes, things are going on with her. And in other breaking news, Lauren Manzo is on a diet.
But then Midge declares that it wasn’t really his fault, because he was just sitting there “being sweet” and she was pushing his buttons. Mel says that she’s looking forward to “kicking butt” at field day. And oooh! The Lauritas have a giant inflatable slide at their house!
Back in the house, can Lauren eat a burger without a bun? No! She can only drink her starvation cleanse. But she seems to think meat is okay. Which is why she’s not losing weight. Oh, wait, sorry – she’s not losing weight cause her Dad made her fat. Sorry. Forgot how it worked there for a minute. Whose fault was the failed makeup business again?
Mel is wearing underwear style shorts and then fake innocently wonders if they’re too short. They’re Hollywood Blvd. too short, sweetie and you can’t stand up on that soap box with cellulite. You shouldn’t be wearing the short shorts with it either. The minute she gets into Jacquee’s house, there’s Gay Sidekick in her ear asking what happened at THE POOL PARTY.
“News travels fast,” comments Mel. Well, I mean, the cameras sort of help move things along. “There’s a lot of talk going around,” says Caroline in yet another valiant effort to not get involved. Mel says that everything’s fine and Midge texted his sister so it’s all good. But now Jacquee wants to not get involved by bringing up that Ter told her that her brother hadn’t reached out to her at all after THE POOL PARTY.
“Why would she lie to me?” Jacquee wonders aloud to the whole group, in order to keep them out of it too. “She lied to you!” Caro immediately announces.
Me and my tiny self are just staying out of it.
Jacquee decides she doesn’t know what’s real or fake with Ter, and hey, maybe she was trying to manipulate the situation and you know what? Jacquee doesn’t like that! So she takes a walk around the jumbo slide with Chris and tells him, from her vantage point far removed from everything, that Midge reached out and Ter lied. A kid flies down the slide in the background. Oh Bravo and your cinematography.
Chris basically tells us that his wife’s too stupid to know when she’s being lied to, which probably comes in handy for him. And Jacquee decides the only way to really stay out of it is to ask Ter. Then Ter gets there and immediately notes that Mel’s hooker shorts look borrowed from Antonia.
Ter breaks the news that Gia is the only kid she brought with her and Mel says that Antonia will be mad. “Maybe Joe doesn’t like us,” she says. Don’t be cute. He hates your guts and thinks you’re a horse.
Then the Wakiles arrive and one of the Manzos says that Kat’s all rainbows and unicorns and she reminds them of Caroline…with less testosterone. Oh, she does shave her face, remember. And Kat brought sweets but nothing in the shape of a cannoli that holds other cannolis so as far as I’m concerned we are THROUGH with Kat for today.
Outside, Midge spies Gia and wants to talk to her about THE POOL PARTY. He sort of apologizes to her and then tell she her “me and Mommy always make up”. Well, then when are you making up, asks Gia. She says Ter tries. Midge says he tries too. But he tells us that he needs to step up as a uncle and “do more”. He tells Gia he would never hurt Ter, to which Gia replies that he does hurt her.
“She cries,” Gia informs him. “I cry too,” he retorts. Then, to prove his love to his 10 year old, emotionally fragile niece, he dunks her in the dunk tank. “Am I Superman or what?” he brags to the crowd. Yes, your prowess among 10 year olds is amazing.