Hello lovers and welcome back to the life and times of the Real Housewives of New Jersey! First of all – love, kisses and thanks to the hilarious and sexy J. MO for taking such good care of you dolls while I was off on holiday. I had the best time off by the way, came back home in a new place in life, thinking everything and everyone is just so beautiful…which had me a little concerned about how I was going to write this recap.
But then I realized Cris Judd was making a multi-episode cameo and please, is there a greater gift to shit talking then one of J.Lo’s exes?
She cut my balls off and wore them like doorknocker earrings. Still hard to talk about.
And we’re back in business. We are immediately transported to the Franchised Fred Astaire dance studio – not sure why the ‘Franchised’ part gets top billing but it seems to be an important part of the marketing strategy. It’s Beatstock rehearsal time with Mel and Cris Judd, who could not possibly be less into it.
“One and two and three and four,” he drones while Melissa Gorga, rockstar, wants to know why her backup dancers must stand quite so close to her. Her backup dancers look like they were fished off the sidewalk outside a methadone clinic.
Put on these pajamas three days ago, went on a binge and somehow ended up as Melissa Gorga’s backup dancer.
And Cris Judd is not happy. “I’m like, rusty, today or something,” Mel explains like the true superstar she is. Then she’s having just a bit of confusion over the end. Is she wandering endlessly? Can she shift to the left or right a little?
But, let’s be charitable for a moment. It’s got to suck being the old, ate up version of this.
Well, Cris Judd would probably rather be at Pearl Studios NYC, where Gia is rehearsing her act. Oh, it’s going to be an intercut scene! Gia to Mel.
And Mel admits that she’s “not the best singer in the world”, but that’s not what it’s all about – it’s about all the courage it takes for her to force her talentless ass down our throats, all the while knowing how bad she is. Well, she says it in a more cubic zirconia encrusted way.
Back at Gia’s studio, things are all Gia, Gia, Gia. Gia, Gia. Where does she get it from, everyone wants to know? “My aunt,” Gia sasses the room. The crowd goes wild. “Who?” hisses Ter, not at all amused.
Then we’re in a car with Kathy and Lebanese Dilbert. They’re going to have a cannoli tasting at an ice cream shop in her old neighborhood. Oh, of course old school Kat has to bring the old neighborhood into it. We hear “old neighborhood” approximately 1,000 times.