Albie doesn’t really have too much to say about the girl, but he does pop up in an interview to tell us he’s not ready for a girlfriend. He has no time for a “girlfriend scenario”, but if he passed on Lindsey, he doesn’t think he would find anyone like her again. For sure, slutty cheerleaders are rare birds. Then everyone chugs vodka and acts like an idiot and Uncle Chris tries to make a heartfelt speech.
“You’re coming into a great time in your life. You’re going to learn a lot and it’s going to be great,” says Chris Laurita. Chris Manzo replies by downing his sixth shot of VO and puking. Then Chris L. tells us that he’s been in business with family before and it had not worked out, followed by a vague threat about people not pulling their weight.
I just puked my weight in vodka, does that count?
So, back to the circus that we call the Guidice’s house. For some reason, Gia’s debut at Beatstock – if only there was a way to type Beatstock with little fist pumping hands around it! – requires Teresa’s broke ass to have a full hair and makeup team set up shop in her kitchen. The kids are running around, and Ter’s looking for the Brown Smurf. She is informed by one of her demon seeds that Smurfy’s chilling “in his own room”.
This prompts Jacquee to interject in an interview that word on the street is that Ter and Smurfy lead completely separate lives off camera. More information that is totally Jacquee’s business.
In the kitchen/spackle studio, Ter is reminding Milania that Gia, Gia, Gia is performing at Beatstock, and isn’t little Milania excited. No. “I don’t care,” is actually her specific reply. Then they talk about how evil Aunt Melissa will also be performing at the world-not-at-all-famous Beatstock…only she will probably be lip-synching.
Everyone has a turn making fun of that, then Ter says she just wants to hear Mel sing on her own. Then Gia does some wildly inappropriate booty move that would make me seriously question the Guidice parenting philosophy if I wasn’t so busy watching it all unfold on TV.
And then off to the Fairfield Inn, home away from home for all celebrities…on a budget…with a Marriot rewards card.
Do these sunglasses make me look famous?
Mel is getting primped and pampered. Jorge Miguel is on hand to moisturize her legs, because that seems like totally necessary thing to pay a person to do. We also learn that it’s Mel and Midge’s 7th wedding anniversary.
Mel thinks her performance will be the big present for Midge, but Midge just wants sex. Since the Manzos are busy taking the Fancy Food world by storm, they all send texts to Mel wishing her luck at the big show. One of her big black guys from the basement calls her to wish her luck, probably from some other talentless suburban housewife’s basement.