Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Beatstock & BLK

36 Comments

1. 1
   jomama
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 9:34 am

   Please. No. More. Poison.

2. 2
   cherrylipgloss
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

   @chickbomb: ” It’s Beatstock rehearsal time with Mel and Cris Judd, who could not possibly be less into it”

   couldn’t agree with you more….he totally looked like he was too good for that mamby pamby rehearsal

3. 3
   Debbie
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 10:26 am

   Laughed when Don Albert decreed that he was not about to converse with Juicy Joe about anything, because “that would make me stupid”. True dat, you can’t argue with stoopid!

4. 4
   Andyourlittledogtoo
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 10:37 am

   I just have to stop reading and say three things:

   1. This statement: “but if he passed on Lindsey, he doesn’t think he would find anyone like her again.” is something that a guys says that I think he THINKS makes a girl feel special, but when you break it down means that the girl in question is a type, not the one necessarily. You know? It’s subtle, but frankly if I were the girl being spoken of in this way I wouldn’t be terribly impressed other than as being flattered at being thought of as a hot piece of ass that he couldn’t do better than. I don’t know, it bugs me. It’s like on the Bachelor when the guys gets down on one knee and proposes to one of the two women and it’s SO romantic except that basically he says, ‘It was a really really hard decision between you and Mary Lou over there but I finally decided I love you better.’ Be still my heart. Sigh.

   2. Brownstone sauce is frickin’ $8 a jar, sold in packs of three. Now, it may be very good sauce, and I may not live in such a rarified atmosphere as NJ (Los Angeles is so backwater) but….if you are the kind of person who cares so much about spaghetti sauce that you would be willing to pay EIGHT dollars for a jar of it, aren’t you also the kind of person who would make your own? I mean, I get buying $3 jars of sauce for the pantry or for those who can’t or don’t want to make their own sauce, but if you are so discriminating that you would pay eight dollars, aren’t you the one who would have your own recipe? It’s a fairly simple sauce to make. I realize that SOME people might buy this sauce. Obviously someone buys it. But as a lucrative venture it seems a little too narrow a market. Maybe there’s a huge market out there. It just seems like it’s cheaper sauce or make your own, that’s the majority of people out there.

   3. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Look at the screen caps. Look at the talking head interviews. I swear to God they all look like they were filmed onboard a Goa’uld mother ship. Is that a Jersey thing? Donald Trump has the same god-awful everything-must-be-golden fetish as well. It’s so tacky. But I’m a west coast girl and maybe I just don’t understand the whole east coast aesthetic.

   Okay, off to read more. So glad you’re back, love your recaps. (loved J-Mo’s too, but glad you’re back).

5. 5
   labowner
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 10:38 am

   What? Chickbomb great recap but you failed to include the best part of the whole episode (I tots agree Debbie) Albert’s talking head about talking to Joe Giudice. Classic – I love Albert.

6. 6
   featherhead
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

   Chickbomb – there’s no farms in Farmingdale, silly!! I hate that since I’ve moved off Long Island, the Ho-wives have been all over there, even in my old neighborhood!! Maybe I should take a hint, lol!!

7. 7
   yummy
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 3:32 pm

   Ugh, every time I see them drinking BLK I imagine drinking the sludge people clean out of their rain gutters. Vomitrocious.

8. 8
   myfavoritesunglasses
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 5:39 pm

   I admit, I just started watching RHONJ this season, so I’m a little behind on BLK. Can someone tell me WHY these guys thought, “black water is a great idea!!”

9. 9
   aliens.rock
   Posted July 20, 2012 at 6:38 pm

   The scene of Midge and Melissa at pool was vomit-inducing. He sounded so weird complementing her in her bathing suit (somehow not that flattering I thought..) . And then he got a hard on, or so he claimed….You guys made me see him as a closet gay! Now I don’t know what to believe in…:-)
   Caroline is getting on my nerves (that’s a news flash for everyone, ha, ha..) Why the hell her beloved Albie CANNOT have a girlfriend??!!
   a) because he is gay, and mommy knows it somehow, b) he is not able to commit, c) mommy doesn’t want to lose control over him d) no one is good enough for mommy’s dearest.
   Come on, the 25 (?) year old guy cannot have a relationship with a hot girl, because he works FROM HOME for the family bussines. This is some weird shit. They could be fuck buddies, at least, ha ha.
   Also, I remembered Albie and the fatter one being on Millionere Matchmaker show a while ago. Caro appeared in the show too. Somehow they found time to consult with Patty, and then attend a stupid mixer and cringe-worthy dates, which led nowhere….

10. 10
    Haywood Jabloeme
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Two things: 1. Can Melissa even sing, that song is all sorts of auto-tuned and she lip synchs on stage. Hard to hate on Ter bad mouthing Melissa’s singing. She is spot on.
    2. Saw BLK at local store and had to try it. It is awful, asked my boys to drink it and they would not touch it. That failure will b epic. Hope momma Manzo has room for Chris L and family to sleep, this will be another “forced bankruptcy”

11. 11
    KeKe
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    @aliens.rock, I also thought it was a little sickening when Midge complimented Mel on her bathing suit. Normally a husband complimenting a wife isn’t a problem, but since he just last week complimented Tre on wearing the sexy color red and then this week tells Mel she knows what the color does to him (barf). No wonder Tre looked so uncomfortable when he said that.

12. 12
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    Joey always put me in mind of the saying, ‘If you’re talkin’ about it you’re probably not doin’ it.’

    And Melissa always puts me in mind of that Fanny Brice quote: ‘Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show.’

    I cannot imagine why they think it is charming, sexy, humorous, whatever, to talk about their alleged wild sex life the way they do on national television. I watch and listen to them and my libido actually diminishes. And if I never ever ever ever ever see a man suck on a woman’s toe again (or allude to it) it will be about a gazillion years too soon. I am so creeped out by him. I am not one who automatically goes to the ‘he must be secretly gay’ explanation for things but he is pushing the limits of hetero credibility.

    Man, I hope I’m around long enough to read the tell all books these lunatics children will someday write about their parents. They should be spectacular.

13. 13
    Closet Fan
    Posted July 21, 2012 at 6:17 am

    I promised myself that I would only read the recaps. This recap was so funny it made me want to watch the actual show which I did last night.

14. 14
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 21, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Okay, here’s the thing. Maybe I’m the wrong generation. Maybe it’s because I’m not a guy. But my understanding of the whole male-bragging rights locker room talk deal was that it was done for two kinds of hook-ups: ones you were pretending to have had to impress the other guys or ones where you didn’t really have a solid relationship with the woman involved. I thought men bragged about their sexual exploits MAYBE to a stranger if they knew for a fact that the stranger would not be met again and never meet their wife or girlfriend at the outside. But once they had that commitment, there was a certain amount of respect and trust involved with a wife or serious girlfriend and you didn’t get all hound dog braggy with your friends, certainly not with strangers who would meet said girlfriend or wife, and definitely not on national television where the entire UNIVERSE knows who you are and will now look at said wife or girlfriend with that kind of intimate knowledge. I thought there was such a thing as trust, privacy, and respect where wives and serious relationships were concerned (at least as long as they were current relationships in good standing anyway). AM I MISSING SOMETHING? ARE MEN REALLY TALKING THIS WAY ABOUT THEIR WIVES TO EVERYBODY THEY MEET AND TOTALLY DISRESPECTING THEIR PRIVACY AND TRUST IN THIS WAY? Because the NJ husbands are total pigs about this. And the wives seem to just smile and egg them on. I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS.

    Seriously. Anybody. Explain this to me. I am begging you.

15. 15
    SuburBint
    Posted July 21, 2012 at 8:12 am

    @ Andyourlittledogtoo — According to my husband, none of the men he’s ever known actually talk like that about their wives/girlfriends. Even the single guys with rather active dating lives generally don’t get any more specific than things like, “I hit that,” or “Man, she was one crazy chick.” So while MisterBint could be lying to protect his gender, I think it is probably more likely that it is a RHoNJ Gorilla method of proving one’s masculinity and establishing one’s place in the social structure. And the wives don’t think anything of it because that is their normal, and very likely how they grew up hearing their dads talk about their moms. (Ew!)

16. 16
    Polk8dot
    Posted July 21, 2012 at 8:22 am

    Teresa’s photo caption: ‘Whatever! Where is their BLK water COOKBOOK?’ was the best snark I read in the whole season!!! Definite hall-of-famer.
    I did not realize how Lauren kept changing over the years; only noticed the final product over the last few episodes. She started out projecting the image of a mature, hard working, sensible, responsible young woman. But by now we all know that she’s really nothing better than the Ass-Face, and probably EVEN MORE conceited, entitled, spoiled, egotistical, and viciously jealous of anyone else’ successes.
    It is hard to go thru life happy, and to achieve anything at all, whey your one and only goal, stated repeatedly for our benefit, is to ‘be rich and have more money’ than your brothers. When you have no goals, no dreams of your own, and your only purpose is to somehow, miraculously be better that someone else, but there is absolutely no fire in you, no ambition, no dedication to accomplish it, no wonder your only way to ever amount to anything is to have your mommy BUY you the ‘success’.
    And even then Lauren will not be happy, until many plasic surgeries, Lap-Band, lifetime of liposuction later. And the most joy and happiness she will ever get will be when her brothers’ ‘relationships’ break down, when they loose their money, when their girlfriends or wives turn their lives into living hell. Only then will this psycho bitch ‘sister’ be content with her life!!! I mean, that is so hateful, so disgusting, so unbelievably sick to exist between siblings, that I can’t even watch her anymore. She is an F-ing MONSTER, and she will only get worse as her brothers’ lives go on. The whole shit Tre is giving Mel will look like gentle and lighthearted teasing, compared with what Lauren will put her future SILs thru. Be proud, Mama Manzo! Lauren – another of your parenting successes in her full glory! What the fuck is there in the water in NJ that all the kids come out fucked up out of their minds?
    And Albie – if you are ‘so dedicated’ to your ‘business’ why did you even pursue Lindsay? She did not want to have anything to do with you at the start. So what, you decided to ‘teach a bitch a lesson’? You’ll get her involved, then you’ll dump her, ON NATIONAL TV, just to make yourself feel more important, more ‘entrepreneurial’, more family-dedicated? You, little boy, have never been in love, clearly, and all your little comments and behaviors, only go to prove that you ACT how you THINK a man in love shoud or would. But none of it is coming from your heart, it’s only coming from the image you think you need to project. Here is an idea: if you really cared for this girl, you need not take any time away from your ‘business’. Just take the time you waste sitting arround on the couches with your bro and your sidekick, and give that to Lindsay. An even exchange, with benefits to everyone. Oh, right – that would require you giving up SCREEN TIME! Now that is the sacrifice that I can totally understand your unwillingness to make. After all, you can always get another girl, especially in Jersey, but the reality TV fame is fleeting, and you’re living on borrowed time already. Plus this way you do not have to deal with Lauren’s ugly face/ugly personality outbursts each time she remembers what a hot girl you got.
    Clearly, the fact that you care more for peace at home (where you don’t even live anymore!) than for Lindsay, shows that not only is she NOT the girl for you, YOU ARE NO MAN FOR ANYONE! You’re a little sissy boy, pussy-whipped into total mental submission by a nasty mother and an even nastier sister.

17. 17
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 21, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Yep, the Manzo kids. Caro should be so proud. God.

    Thank you SuburBint (great name btw) for that explanation. I mean, I am greatly in favor of lots of PDAs, touches, kisses, hot monkey sex long and often into marriage. I have been fortunate in that regard, so I get that. Been there, done that, but DID NOT GET THE T-SHIRT. Nobody wants to see the t-shirt. The only reason I say it now is because you have no idea who I am if you met me on the street so who cares? Right? But if my husband looked into the camera (or a group of any people, or anyone actually) and said something along the lines of “Look at that ass! My wife has such a hot ass! I am totally going to nail her tonight! My wife is a great fuck!” we would have some problems. Like, living to see the next day problems.

    Gah. New Jersey housewives. It’s like watching some weird anthropological study for all I understand this particular group of people. My brother in law is NJ Italian and no one in his family (as far as I know anyway) acts like this, so not to disparage an entire state or culture or anything. But between this show and Jersey Shore and some of the Super Sweet Sixteen episodes I do have to wonder sometimes.

    Anyway, thanks for the reassurance. Size doesn’t matter and men keep their traps shut and all is right in the world.

18. 18
    Davis
    Posted July 21, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    @haywood, I bought some BLK too, drank two sips and poured it down the drain. And it actually might have been not that bad but I didn’t want to look at it. I was tempted to run it through my Brita water filter and see if it came out clear but didn’t want to risk ruining a new filter. needless to say, it was terrible. The ones who are going to lose in all this are the Lauritas because Albie and Chris M still have the Brownstone. They were supposed to take it over anyway, probably still will once they run out of their own money with these crappy schemes! Missed ya HG, glad to have ya back!

    Oh yeah and if I see anyone on tv suck on someone’s toes again I will barf!!

19. 19
    awfuleyebrow
    Posted July 21, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    I was actually at the fancy food show back in June. I didn’t go to either the black water or manzo sauce booth but a friend did bring me a bottle of the water. It didn’t taste horrible but I couldn’t get past the rancid bongwater appearance. The general consensus at the show seemed to be “why would they ruin water that way?” And “Do they expect us to pay them to drink their Jersey turnpike run-off?”

20. 20
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 2:49 am

    Beatstock must be the Learning Annex of the music festival world.

    I wonder what other acts where there? Don Ho’s son’s cousin, who is a magician? Bruce Willis’ band? That little kid from Blues Brothers 2?

21. 21
    Annie
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 9:59 am

    @andyourlittledogtoo….YES! Albie is “in love” with a type. Well, not really in love, but he thinks that type of girl is what every man should want. Yes, I guess when guys are teenagers they think that way, but homeboy is 25 years old, you’d think he’d grow out of that “fantasy”. And the whole thing about not being able to have a girlfriend because he’s 25 and too busy…..yeah right. I feel bad for him…something in him is sabotaging the possibility of even BEING with a girl. And he seems like a nice guy, he’d be a good boyfriend to a girl (or boy)

    And Ive never seen BlkWater in my stores (I live in New Mexico) but I would definatley try it, just to see. But the thing is….to me, it looks like dark dark purple, which is the color of some Kool-Aids, PowerAdes, GatorAdes, etc. Those drinks seem to be doing just fine. So why does blkwater suck so much? Is it the color that really throws people off, or the taste? Just curious!

    Ive said it before, but I think Caro is trying waaaaaaay too hard to market herself and her family to sell all these different items, like Bethanny did. It KILLS her none of her ventures are sucessful, or will ever be. In fact, I think that’s the ONLY reason she got on the show in the first place (to promote the Brownstone) which yes, was a smart idea, but all the other crap she’s been trying to do since then has been a total failure.

22. 22
    Annie
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

    oh…and Beatstock 2011 looked more like Shitstock, judging by these reviews.

    http://www.ticketmaster.com/Beatstock-tickets/artist/867527

23. 23
    SuburBint
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 10:13 am

    @ Annie — my guess as to why BLK sucks so much is because it’s an expectation thing. Like when you’re expecting water forgetting that you actually poured a glass of milk and take a drink without looking… it’s very unpleasant, no matter how much you might actually like milk. So when you’re drinking something that is that color, I would imagine that your brain creates certain taste expectations that the beverage itself completely fails to live up to. Or it might just be vile. I want to see a blind taste test between BLK and regular water.

24. 24
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Can I add Ace “I can only get work through Dana, the houswife who never was” American Idol idiot???

25. 25
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I watched the past two episodes back to back today (yes, I’m that masochistic). And, I’d forgotten Melissa’s aside where she asks the question about Joe’s sexuality and winks, as if she’s a beard in on the joke. I don’t know if that was on purpose, but I wouldn’t be surprised if his over-sexualizing of things is a mask to hide his homosexuality or bisexuality.

    I really don’t understand how BLK. water is a good idea, but I do think there was an edit in the scene where Patti Patti choked down her water. I am constantly amazed by how stereotypically gay Big Gay Greg actually is! When the Gay Manzos pretended not to know who Patti Patti was, he invoked “Lady Marmalade.” The Patti Patti song that comes to my mind first is “New Attitude.”

    And, as much as Teresa is horrible, why can’t the Lauritas, Wakiles, and Manzos just admit that they were jealous that she beat them to the magazine punch? Considering they’re all in some level of financial duress and all need the show to make a living, why hate on her for using her “star” power to supplement her income?

    Bring on the Napa Clusterfuck.

26. 26
    Audrey Scott
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    I just got stupid reading all your post. Who gives a rat’s ass!!!

27. 27
    Caligal
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    I honestly think the stripper/carwash would be a better business venture than dirty water. There is an actual market out there for dirty cars and dirty looking women. *shakes head*

    I love Milania. The yawning during Gia’s performance. The bad mouthing of Melissa. I hope she has her own spin-off show. Miss Andy has a gold mine there.

    And Tre, sweetie, it’s called Napa VALLEY. There is no chance of you falling off of the side of the valley. Unless you drink too much free wine. And Chris, trying to keep these wumin’ in line is like hearding cats with Lauren’s used make-up brushes. It’s fun to think about and watch, but will never happen.

28. 28
    Classy Drunk
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    @ Audrey…so why we’re you compelled to post. Seems like you give a rat’s ass

29. 29
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 22, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    You know why we care? Because sometimes you watch things on TV that you enjoy for some godawful reason that I cannot explain but that also makes your head explode. And you need to TELL someone, ‘My GOD! Did you see what just happened?’

    For awhile on TWOP they closed the RHOC thread (due to Lauri and her lawyers making a fuss I think) and I wound up watching a bunch of episodes of that mess with NO WHERE to go to shout ‘Ack!’ It was like torture, I was beside myself with the unexpressed ‘gah!’ of it all. Everyone in my personal life is either too ‘religious’ or too ‘high brow’ to watch this dreck (or admit to it) so I have no where else to turn for my ‘gah!’s than to the good people of TWOP and ‘gasm.

    And that’s why I care. Because it’s there. And it NEEDs to be said.

30. 30
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted July 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Amen and well stated, Andyourlittledogtoo!

31. 31
    roger
    Posted July 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    @littledog: yep. these head-exploding moments have to be shared and mrs. r, unlike audry, really doesn’t give a rat’s ass.
    @caligirl: stripper/carwash may be a sleazy business plan, but it is a PLAN. if i want blackwater, i’ll take out the insides of a brita water filter and replace it with a fresh turd.

32. 32
    labowner
    Posted July 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Roger – they can sell the pasta sauce and BLK water at the car wash. Good looking enough girls/guys and most people will buy anything.

33. 33
    roger
    Posted July 23, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    i’m unsure that any of the manzo’s are attractive enough to sell these products even with half-naked girls. i can probably get the blackwater effect by replacing the brita filters guts with brownstone sauce. did you see tinycaroline on WWHL? she was preening like my 1 year old grandson at his birthday party and she’s nowhere as cute as that little baby! i DESPISE that woman so much!

34. 34
    Ella
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    Just found this site and happen to be watching this episode, you all are so funny. Watching the show is like watching a train wreck sometimes, a comedy and at best, at least Bravo is paying them the big bucks to entertain us. Those advertisers know we are watching!

    I’ll be back to catch your comment and reaffirm my belief that we are all right some of the time, even the Housewifes of NJ. OMG watching the foot sucking part…how sad, TMI.

35. 35
    Jeff
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Chris Laurita should know what causes bankruptcy when he blew his own career and business by being the big spender and blowing his money on Bentley’s and airplane jets and he had it all and threw it away instead reinvesting his time and money back into his business.

    Most people on this show are unemployed except for the show–the Manzo sons do nothing and they are in their mid 20′s going nowhere except mommies coattails. They go to promote BLK and instead get drunk and show up at the show looking like they just crawled out of bed. Maybe the lawsuit settlement won them and make them promote the product in other countries since America is not interested.

    Word is out there that the Brownstone is mortgaged to the hilt and the Manzo’s have their home up for sale.

36. 36
    Mike Ryan
    Posted October 1, 2012 at 6:01 am

    Brownstone Sauce, we were at a party where the guest proudly served the sauce. After dinner around the firepit the jokes were flying about how it tasted like crap