In Melissa’s car, she’s telling Midge how she wants to own it. Not just get up there and sing, but enjoy the moment. We flew Cris Judd all the way out here, she reasons.
Oh, it’s cool, I was just hanging at home, dancing to old J. Lo videos in front of my mirror.
And who better than a professional backup dancer/ex-husband to share the secret of the adrenaline rush you feel when you’re performing? He tells her she’ll never want it to end. Now’s a good time to point out that most performers probably already know this, as there’s usually a performance or two or a thousand behind someone who calls themselves a performer.
But in this case, exceptions were made for the certainly comparable experience of prancing around your basement with a microphone. Which makes me wonder, where the hell’s my Beatstock contract? I fucking rocked 3 Kensington Drive in the 80’s.
Back in the Star Car – that means Gia’s car – they’re talking about Tia Melissa and how she’s going to be lip-synching. Gia mimics her in a really ugly way, and then Milania declares that “Melissa stinks!”. Brown Smurf just laughs. Ter pretends to be fake-annoyed about it, and preaches about how she and Mel are really trying to get along lately.
I really don’t know what Gia’s problem is with that fake bitch.
Over at the Fancy Food expo, everyone is afraid of the black water. Despite the Manzos running around in BLK water t-shirts, no one wants to drink dirty water. I mean…who knew? Anyway, Gay Sidekick high-kicks it over to inform the group that “Miss Patti” is in the vicinity and would like some water.
I don’t know why he’s morphing into Driving Miss Daisy mode over it, but all I hear are about 100 “Miss Patti”s. Of course, this is a project that requires every single Manzo manning the booth to abandon the booth in hopes of quenching Miss Patti’s thirst. Even though Chris and Albie both freely admit they have no idea who Patti LaBelle is.
She is described as Gay Sidekick’s “big fish of the trip”. He introduces himself to her, and she immediately pegs him as “from Jersey”. “She knows I’m from Jersey!” he squeals. Imagine that! A whole camera crew following you around, and she still managed to find out who you were. She must have really been intrigued, Gay Sidekick.
Voulez-vous coucher avec – wait, what am I saying ?
Anyway, it’s a big gay moment for everyone. Patti is hawking hot sauce. They give her a bottle of black water. “Can I drink it?” she asks, like any normal person. Yes, she is informed, and she actually does it without retching.
Oh, but heaven forbid we should miss an opportunity to gag. Today’s we’re-back-but-not-really segment features a delightful vignette of Midge begging to suck Mel’s toes. He’s so feisty and she’s never into it. Either she’s really frigid or she really wanted that recording studio.