And then it’s time for Beatstock! I have to give you the image. It’s just too good. Oh, but first I have to tell you it takes place somewhere called Farmingville. Nothing says fist pumping beats quite like…a farm.
Um, wave that ear of corn in the air? Wave it like you just don’t care.
Are you fucking kidding me? It’s a farm.
Backstage looks like a community center barbeque. Gia does some moves for Midge, and explains that she’s doing something called “slow hip hop”. AKA, baby stripper dance. Ter goes to visit Mel in the trailer and we hear more about how everyone’s trying to be friends, set to the soundtrack of the fakest conversation ever.
Oh, and Rosie’s there, too.
Anyone smellin’ a spinoff?
No. Just several different kinds of Axe body sprays.
Cris Judd walks with Mel backstage and gives her a little pep talk. Brown Smurf is backstage with Gia asking if she wants him there backing her up.
Wore his gay stage Dad outfit and everything.
Gia heads onstage and dances her way underage butt off. I have to be honest, I’m not really sure what’s happening in this performance. It’s just basically Gia getting flung around through the air with an occasional “Yo!” and “Uh!” thrown in by some rapper. But the family seems happy and proud. It even looks as though Brown Smurf is getting a little teary eyed. Mel concedes that Gia did good, but now she’s freaking out!
This one? So over it.
Over at the Fancy Feast, BLK water seems to have made a turnaround. Or more specifically, the Manzos turned on the charm and closed some deals. Uncle Chris is happy. Then they all take a walk to the corner of the hall outside the convention center where the Brownstone sauce booth has been stuck. They have mercifully decided against Caro as the cover model for the jar of sauce, although can you imagine how tiny she would have looked on a jar of sauce?
Back to Beatstock! It’s Mel’s turn to take the stage, and, well, you know. She looks like someone who was transplanted from their basement to a farm stage via a $9 per hour dance studio and J. Lo’s ex-husband. Who is the only not terrible part of the performance, by the way.
It’s obviously no secret that Mel didn’t get this far based on any kind of stage presence, and she doesn’t really have any moves. Finally, I much prefer On Display, On Display, On Display to this new song. But her family cheerfully fist-pumps their way through, and the witchy sisters sob at the wondrous glory of the whole thing.