By PennyDreadful | Tuesday, May 8, 2012 | 12:01 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Eden's World, Recaps

Howdy, Gasmii!  I went right from my birthday (and yes, the pancakes were great!) into Cinco de Mayo, when I enjoyed homemade pico de gallo, enchiladas and a corn dish.  Muy bueno!  I took last week off and today was one big fat splash of cold water.  Why does work seem 10,000 times harder if you’ve had time off?  Also, why do people have signs that say “Will Work for Food”?  Doesn’t everyone who works essentially work for food?  Plus, in my case, the fine cosmetics that Sephora sells.  Also I’m convinced that Apple’s recent surge in earnings is due entirely to my iTunes purchases.  You’re welcome, Cupertino!

Getting to the ep – Last week Eden was in Paducah, Kentucky to see Audrey, a 4-year-old.  Heather says Audrey looks like the Bride of Chucky in glitz photos.  Hiss!  Looked in the mirror lately, Heather?  Mickie asks Eden what’s the most important thing to remember. You might expect Eden to respond “the total package” or “sparkle baby” or “cash”, but instead she says “having fun”.  Eden then shares she loves helping other kids.  I believe her.  Too bad she’s being robbed of a childhood where she can actually interact with those kids on a non-competitive basis and make friends.

We meet Cherishe, Audrey’s mother, whom I’m going to call CherishE because really, that “E”?  Is it to class up the name like Ye Olde Englande?

You don’t know how many times I’ve wished that I could mold you into someone who could spell and also parent properly.

Mickie asks Audrey to show them her beauty walk, and she doesn’t want to, so Eden says she’ll do the walk first, then Audrey can do it.  Audrey is running around and ignoring the E-Team.   CherishE says if Audrey doesn’t want to practice, they just stop.  So presumably Audrey has never won, or even placed, in any pageant?  Cause lack of practice does not generally result in winning.  Eden says pretend it’s “1000 coins of candy” and you win it all if you do the beauty walk.  This doesn’t make an impression on Audrey.
Who turns down geldt?  Really?  The only thing better are candy cigarettes with the lifelike “flame” on the end!
Heather says a child can be the most beautiful one in the world, but they have to focus.  Eden agrees.  Mickie shares they don’t know what they’ll see on Saturday (at the pageant), and says that Audrey seems distracted and not into it.  CherishE says usually Audrey is into pageants.  Really, CherishE?  Or by “into” do you mean “dragged kicking and screaming and guilted into participating”?   Mickie responds that’s not what she’s seeing, and tells CherishE to talk to Audrey.
See how eager Audrey is to participate in pageants?  She loves them! 

Now we’re in New York, where Andrew has arranged for a photographer who, he says, specializes in commercial photography, Lev Goren, will take new headshots of Eden.

He’s deluded into thinking his leather jacket makes him look hip, cool and artistic.  Also, is he part Vulcan?

Andrew says he has auditions set up but they need new photos first.  Heather says she doesn’t care if Lev is a “douche” so long as he does good work.  And that’s where you’re wrong, Heather.  People do care if someone is a “douche”.  Like, say, you and Fransolonely.  Lev talks to Eden and says in her new photos she’ll look like herself (unlike pageant photos), and says having bad headshots is a common mistake.

I don’t see what the problem is.  This photo is entirely realistic given the massive amount of plastic surgery in the entertainment industry. 

Commercial.  Here’s one for Febreze.  If someone tricked me into sitting in a garbage dump, I would notreact that way.  I’d be looking for the nearest producer to slap them upside the head with the rotten detritus.

This smells like ass.  Is it my husband?

Now here’s one for Charmin with those bears.  Shut up!  No one wants to see bear hineys!

I didn’t know they had names.  And apparently Leonard has a very small bladder. TMI!

Back in Kentucky, CherishE says she has a lot of work to do.  She is trying to get Audrey to rehearse – and by the way, do they live in this school or whatever it is?  They never rehearse at home?  Audrey is doing the hula hoop.  Mickie calls CherishE while Audrey is walking around in the hula hoop saying “Ow”.  I actually do that a lot, the saying “Ow” bit.  Sometimes it’s because I’m hurting, but frankly a lot of the time I just say it cause it’s fun.  I think that’s what Audrey is doing.  Mickie asks if Audrey is enjoying practicing more, and CherishE says she’s doing ok.  Mickie advises CherishE that she has to set boundaries, be a disciplinarian and be stern.  CherishE says she’s going to work on it, while Audrey runs away.  CherishE, Audrey is holding a huge neon sign over her head that says I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS.  Why can’t you see that?  She’s obviously an active gal, get her into sports or something else that does not involve being in pageants!  Be a good mother and stop putting Audrey through this!

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Named for lurid serialized stories (so like today's reality TV) that sold for a penny a copy in Victorian Britain, former National Spelling Bee finalist and multiple Science Fair award winner PennyDreadful has been writing for TVGasm since 2011, and cites MST3K as inspiration.

Follow PennyDreadful on Twitter at @kcvinweho.

 

15 Comments

  1. 1
    Stacey
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 12:33 am

    You have a lot of good karma headed your way for saving so many of us from watching the show. I force myself to read the recaps to salute your taking one for the team. Haven’t seen a second of the series and pray it ends soon.

  2. 2
    Closet Fan
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 6:40 am

    I would like to know if there is still an “E-team” and if so is Fran still on it? Even as delusional Mickie is (and I can’t wait for you to touch on that when you write the recap for last nights show because I think Mickie hit a new high) sorry, I disgress….Mickie has to see how repulsive Fran is and how girls recoil in fear of her touch.

  3. 3
    BedHeadJen
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Thanks for the laughs. Sitting quietly with my coffee while reading recaps is truly something I cherishE.

  4. 4
    talk it then
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 7:13 am

    Its so obvious that Audrey does not want to do pageants and why in the world would you “good mother” make her do it then. She cannot focus and is not listening to anything that you have to say. Audrey could careless about any of this. What a freakin mess and trainwreck this show is. As I have said before, please take this crap off the air and whoever exposes their children on this show deserves everything they get!! Make yourself look like fools and idiots and portrayed in a way you dont want to be then stop trying to run up underneath someone and think you are going to be famous! Mickie as for you, you are pushing that little girl into doing something she does not want or care about. You have alot in common with Cherishe. Neither one fo these girls cares a thing about it. Crabby,, love the recaps so glad I dont have to put myself through this to watch this foresaken show!!

  5. 5
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 7:20 am

    Closet Fan- Mickie hit a new high last night- For sure, that dame was high! I digress as well.
    OMG- Fransolonely- I could smash her face. Mickie, stop drinking on the job. Eden, run as fast as you can. This easily is one of the worst shows ever, that’s why I can’t stop watching! Eden coaching girls for pageants? The parents would be better off throwing the money to the wind, the coaching that we see (not much) sucks. Please hurry with the recap for last night, I have a lot to say! Ugh!

  6. 6
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Oh PennyD, I hope this travesty goes on forevah! I can’t watch it, but I love your recaps.

    *ahem* That said, I just got to the part where M-ICK tells Cher-ISH-E to “set boundaries, be a disciplinarian, and be stern” and had to comment. Obvs, M-ICK teaches from the do-as-I-say school because I have seen little Eden during interviews making faces and noise, and just being an undisciplined brat. Mothers who follow M-ICK’s example are headed for trouble.

    I now return to your regularly scheduled recap.

  7. 7
    NapaNonnie
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Free Eden. Loved “is Lev Vulcan.”

  8. 8
    cyn2012
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Lev Gorn (or Gorens), I think he goes by both, was in the second season of The Wire — yes, my diametrically opposed television tastes, from Toddlers and Tiaras to the Wire

  9. 9
    Dear Crabby
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    God, Fransoly is such a bitch! However, I was wondering if something was off with Audrey – she really didn’t seem like she liked people touching her (although maybe Fransoly pinched – seems like the type), and her lack of focus started to seem like a true problem, not just what happened when she was on camera.

    This whole team is a hot mess and I love watching the dysfunction. Also, those photos suuuuuucked ass! I don’t believe for a second he is considered a top photographer. And he is Vulcan, for sure!

    Great recap!

  10. 10
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    DearC, I view Eden’s world as Plato looked at life through the shadows on the cave wall. But it’s good enough for me.

    I notice that commenters have said several times, well twice now, that something is “off” with the little girl Eden is assigned to coach. Both times it has been because the kid cringes when Fransolonely approaches, and they don’t like her to touch them. From what I’ve read, I wouldn’t focus too well when FSL was around either, and I certainly wouldn’t want her to touch me. Ish.

  11. 11
    Closet fan
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    I need to watch this one again. I have two kids on the spectrum and can normally pick them. But Dear Crabby has mentioned it twice so I need to see if I missed something. I love waking up with my coffee and your snark.

  12. 12
    April
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    I applaud the mother for realizing her daughter hated pageants and withdrawing her. I give her credit for that much. Some kids like the spotlight. Some kids like to perform so for with those kids pageants are not a total evil. The kids that don’t even like to do it, what is the freaking point!?

    I felt bad for Eden during that photo shoot. The background was black in them anyway so why could they have not just done the shoot inside?! I don’t get it!

  13. 13
    ash1
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    The saddest part of this show is watching Eden turn into a Micki. The way every inane thing out of her mouth is a frickin production, and none of it means anything makes me sad. I can’t tell if Audrey has Asperger’s or is just smart enough to know this is abusive crap and she wants no part of it. I would love to see her in 20 years, she’ll either be in an institution, or teaching at one…I JUST CAN’T TELL! Eden will be on her second hubby and third rehab stint by then…

    Shout out to Cherishe for breaking the cycle of naming abuse! I can only think that means she had some sense at one time and she will pull Audrey out of this crap and get her on the chess team.

  14. 14
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted May 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    @PennyDreadful I really enjoyed reading this! You did a great job! Plus I didn’t see everything the same way you did. Which got me way more interested in this epidose than TLC ever could!

    It looked like to me they just set up 1 scene where Eden put a dab of lip gloss on Audrey.

    Like they’d made a deal with her. Just let her do 1 teensiest little touch with the tip end of the spongistick and you can get in the pool. She won’t even hold your head steady. Promise.

    I didn’t feel like she was singling Cutabitch out. She hollered and tried to escape whenever any of them tried to work on her. She’d climb up on her mama but she wouldn’t hold still even for her.

    I’m not saying Cutabitch needs to be anywhere around little kids. She’s a homophobic fuckwaffle. And kids pick up on stuff like that. Specially over time. Mickie. I’m looking at you right now. Just in case you’re lurking on here.

    But I think the kids on the show are scared of her because she pulls their hair. Kids are tender headed.

    Audrey acted like a kid she’s never had to do so much as sit still and pose to get her picture made. Much less had hair and makeup.

    I bet she’ll focus on stuff she wants to do. Till she wants to do something else. Like most kids that age. She was focused enough on getting to the swimming pool! From the minute she put her bathing suit on.

    I think the Weakest Link lady said that about it’s time for those voice lessons because Eden screamshrieking her little meme sayings was getting on her and the rest of the E Team’s last nerve. Not to mention mine.

    You got me to wondering though. How come they picked a photo shoot that had to be outdoors? If all they were doing was regular head shots. And they were just going to wipe the background off anyway.

    Plus like you said, it looked like all of Audrey’s so called practice scenes were shot in that same school.

    I ended up being suspicious that the producers did all that on purpose.

    To show the theme that little normal kids (like Audrey and Eden) don’t like to do grown people style work. Maybe they’d been getting their own demonstration of it trying to get the star’s scenes done?

    Eden does her pageant stuff and sits still for makeup because it’s not just her comfort zone. It’s all she knows there is to do. Mickie started her so early she does it like other little kids play with toys.

    Which come to think of it is how come professional children do what they’re supposed to do on a set. And say their words right instead of squeakyelling noises. That need subtitles.

  15. 15
    Storm
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I never watch the show, but I live vicariously through your recaps…which are LOL hilarious!

    Great Job!!!!!!

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