Howdy, Gasmii! First order of business: let’s rename Mickie based on her behavior and Eden’s remark in this ep about her mom’s breath. I would call Mickie Aunt Drunky, but that title is reserved exclusively for Sandra Lee. So Shparkle Babee (hic) it is, then.
As I mentioned in the Minicap, this ep featured Camille Grammer’s doppelganger as the mother of Zoey, who is a 12-year-old who lives in Hudson, WI, currently dances competitively, and thinks pageants will help her improve her onstage presence. If only Margot Fonteyn had thought of that . . .
CamilleLite is all in favor of this, so they enlist the E-Team. Spoiler alert, Zoey wins a talent award – for dance. Yes, the same thing she’s already competing in. This will be Zoey’s first pageant ever, BTW.
CamilleLite – and honey, get thee to an endocrinologist STAT! – adopted Zoey from Colombia and calls her “Zoey Jean my little Colombian coffee bean”. Could be worse, she could have gone with “CoCo, my little Colombian cocaine brick” so I guess we should be grateful.
Mommy picked you out special!
Shparkle Babee asks Eden what Zoey needs for a pageant, and Eden recites the usual: smile, makeup, stylist, etc. Then Eden demos pretty feet and a pageant walk. Shparkle Babee says beauty is the single most important event. Eden says she’s been in 16,000 pageants. Probably not that many, dear. Too bad your mom hasn’t taught you to count. Zoey likes to catch fish. That could make for an interesting talent segment, but no, she had to dance. Bummer.
Shparkle Babee shares that CamilleLite has to reign in her nervousness. That ain’t gonna happen, sister. Shparkle then says she assumes Zoey’s talent is dance, and she wants a dance routine and an outfit by the time she gets back.
Andrew has set up an audition for Eden, so Shparkle Babee says they’re working on Eden’s “acting chops” every chance we get. From the looks of you, Shparkle, pork chops are what I think you’re working on. Anyhoo, Andrew offers to run lines with Eden, Heather says that’s her cup of tea, and Shparkle grabs the script and says she’ll do it. Eden can’t act, quelle surprise. She can’t do angry, she doesn’t show any emotion. Also she seems to have trouble remembering the one line they’re studying. And her delivery can best be described as
Well, let’s just say her last name is quite apt.
Andrew shares that Eden has great singing and middling acting skills. Drop the “great” and replace with “middling” with “nonexistent”, and I totally agree. While Eden does her “acting”, Shparkle bursts out with another drunken (sorry, that’s redundant) “that’s my girl right there” – well really it was more like “THASH MUH GURRRL RAIT THEUH”, which prompts Eden to piggyback on her mother. For some unknown reason, Eden does not take the opportunity to compress her mother’s carotid artery and get rid of her once and for all. Damn.
Back in Hudson, Zoey is working on her beauty walk. CamilleLite (a/k/a Shani) is advising her to keep her eyebrows raised. I’m not sure why she’s saying that. I don’t remember Eden or any of the successful gals in T&T raising their eyebrows. Seems like it would result in an odd look, no?
Kind of like Zoey’s mom, come to think of it.
Now we jet to NYC to Theatre Row Stage Door – that’s the same place they were at 2 weeks ago – to meet with John Rubin, a director of an off-Broadway play.
I think the beret is Shparkle’s idea of implying Eden’s all Left-Bank artistic.
Eden gives him a copy of her autobiography – you did know she “wrote” an autobiography several years ago, didn’t you?
“A life in pictures”. Perfect precursor to the inevitable Playboy spread.