Recap: Love in the Wild: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Wake me when its over

Hello Gasmii!!!

The end is in sight! We will soon be overrun by monstrous human-shaped wunderkind sprung from the belly of Chase after Summer implants her eggs in him! Don’t go near the waters though, they swim faster than they run! Well that’s one theory anyway. 

We are down to the final three twosomes and I miss some of the spice we let slip through our fingers. Last week was the shocking (if watching a soufflé slowly collapse in an oven could be called shocking) eviction of not one but two!!! couples. The two most boring people on earth finally threw up a spark even as their fire went out when Minnie friend-zoned Ryan with deadly accuracy.

“I’m getting dumped by a flapper??”

Ali just plain threw up in frustration that her particular brand of cute was not noticed by anyone but Jesse the Walking Erection. So in revenge she pocketed all the marbles and ensured they both went home. I know she’s the kind of chick that makes reality TV a career and I applaud that because she was interesting in a deranged and satisfyingly frustrating way.

“Did I win fan favorite?”

We are left with the Type A Team (Summer and Chase), the Desperate for Affection (Kenina), and Cockney Ben and Juggy McRingGirl. None of these couples seem terribly inspiring or long-lasting. Or like actual couples. If NBC wanted true love they should have let Ali stay on as a solo team. Cocky Juggs is the most interesting duo and I hope they get together after the show because the process of them getting to know and hate each others’ friends and family would be a fun prelude to a loud and door-slammy breakup. Hell, at this point I even miss the zombie monkey and her gratuitous ass cheekery.

Ah, I change my vote

On to the show!

We are again post-elimination and each couple slinks off to their respective domiciles instead of slurping body shots off each other at the pool. What is with the youth of today being all PR-savvy and acting respectably? Its almost like these people are aware they will have to go home to face family and potential employers who all own TVs. I would like to request everyone be sequestered in their cabins with handles of tequila and marathons of Temptation Island on loop until they can come out and behave like the morons I know they are deep down.

This guy is exempt

Summer and Chase scurry into their lair and cuddle in bed while getting to know each other on a deeper level. Just kidding, they sit awkwardly on separate sides of the bed while Summer lays out her battle strategy. Summer claims to be longer and harder than anyone there.

Except the horse

Cockney and Juggs are slightly more cozy and talk about enjoying themselves in this process and finding happiness win or lose. Cockney peers through thickets of fake eyelashes to find Michelle.

Michelle went to bed an hour ago. This is just a pile of extensions, foundation and acrylic

Without Jesse around to anger and sexually confuse him, Ken is letting his vagina bloom like a Georgia O’Keeffe painting as he recaps the whole point of the show including the prize. Thanks producers. Yanina laughs uncomfortably and tries to get him to shut up with her patented man-pleasing control powers. I feel like Latin women really have the formula down for making a man believe he is in charge by laughing and smiling and agreeing and leading him around by the nose the whole time. What Yanina underestimated is the devastating effectiveness this would have on an inexperienced Ken. Good luck shaking this one!

“I regret everything”