Recap: RHOM – Is everyone friends or something?

Recaps

By Alejandra | Sunday, December 16, 2012 | 12:42 pm | 9 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Miami, Recaps

Later on, Joanna deigns to visit the Hovel by the Bay, and they all proceed to day drink.  Lisa and Lea don’t do hoveltime, so they hang out overlooking the beach.  Lea says she’s having a wooooonderful time – any excuse to wear a turban, I suppose.  She’s got one in every color imaginable.  They start talking about babies, and Lisa breaks down, weeping that Lenny’s given her so much and she just wants to give him a son.  Aw, sad.  You can lead an egg to semen, but you can’t make it drink.  She says the problem isn’t getting pregnant, it’s staying pregnant, and while they’ve tried surrogacy, it didn’t work.  Lea’s sweet and sympathetic, in her way, and promises Lisa that pregnancy will come when the younger woman least expects it.  Then she tells her to get like, eight surrogates going at the same time and to keep trying, so… mixed messages?  Lisa’s all lovey-dovey, weepy-creepy in the face of Lea’s frankness, and interviews about how she never thought they’d get that close.  Hate to break it to you Lisa, but I’m pretty sure Lea would have had the same conversation with a complete stranger if they caught her at the right time.  Don’t start planning the wedding, yet.

 Anyone seen “Soapdish”?  Anyone wanna have a quote off?

After that, it’s off to conch!  I mean lunch!  I mean conch lunch.  Dick jokes ensue.  Apparently the wiggly tapeworm conchs call a penis is an aphrodisiac if swallowed whole. Seriously?  Is there some kind of secret society filled with oyster fisherman and conch magnates that has set out to perpetuate some kind of rumor that slimy disgusting shit is supposed to be romantic?  You know what’s romantic?  Candles, red wine and rock hard erections.  I love me some oysters, but they remind me of swallowing phlegm, and do NOT put me in the mood to get nasty.  Kudos to Ana for eating the conch dinck, though. 

 Do you guys know how to spell feminism? 

Marysol’s had about four mimosas and is now nursing a rum and coke, so she’s right at that point of buzzed where you think you can conquer the world!  I got there last night sipping my 3rd glass of $6 red wine and listening to “One Day More,” from Les Mis.  Yay Friday!  She announces that she feels so good, it’s time to take the bull by the horns and get herself the fuck divorced!  All the other ladies are like, “Great?”  She interviews that she loves her mans, but they can’t live together.  Read: she loves him, but he got his Green Card and now finds the relationship lacking in… shall way, necessity?  I know that sounds crass, but if anyone were going to get duped into a Green Card marriage out of these women, who else would it be?  Anywho, she’s done with his ass, and it seems like she’s in a good (drunk) place.  Commercial!

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About

Alejandra lives in Los Angeles and is an actor/writer/producer of opinions.  She loves the beach, but never goes, and hates reality stars, but follows them religiously.  In addition to TVGasm, you can read her writing at the online magazine DigN2It, or various fanfiction websites if you're industrious enough to find her.  If you're not industrious at all, a bottle of fine wine will always be an acceptable bribe.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    Smango
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Great recap of a not very entertaining episode! What’s up with already bring time for the finale??? The last season of RHONJ was three years long, and we only get three months of these people? Sad.

  2. 2
    Stacey
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    OMG great recap! You had me laughing my ass off! When Lea looked at the camera and described how she would bring Roy down she said word for word that Adrienne did to Paul! She is enough of a bitch that I don’t think it’s a coincidence. And I agree with you about a romantic night LOL

  3. 3
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Yay the recap is up!

    I’ve only just begun to read it, but I must say that Lea Black is pure scum-of-the-earth evil. She exists to feed on other people’s pain. Gah she makes me so SICK. I already disliked her, but after reading Marysol’s (and her true friends’) blogs, it sealed the deal.

    Off to read more!

  4. 4
    Holyterror
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Wish Brandi wass there to tell Lea to STFU when she was SCREAMING. Glad to say, I know NO ONE who does that shit.

  5. 5
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    @Holyterror : Aahhhh, I would SO pay to see a Brandi versus Lea match. My money’s on Brandi…Lisa has a big mouth but with nothing likely to back it up.

  6. 6
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Dammit!! “Lea”, not Lisa. Ugh.

  7. 7
    emerthorne
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Did anyone see Elsa hitting on Consuelo on WWHL? I love her!

  8. 8
    labowner
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Emerthorne, no missed that but will go find it to watch. She is great.

    I am not sure who the biggest shit stirrer is Lea, Joanna or Lisa.

    Where is Ana’s apology from Karent accusing her of texting Rodolfo? What a farking bitch. Can’t wait for the reunion to see how she will spin her way out of this mess.

    Does Joanna have the ability to look different? Every picture I see of her it is the exact same face/pose. Our girl Tyra would not be pleased with her portfolio.

  9. 9
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    labowner: It’s gotta be Lea, don’t you think? Although I nominate Karent, as well, because of the Joe Francis debacle. Recall her asking the wildly inappropriate question and then running to tell Joanna like a little bitch?

    Oh, and no, Joanna does not have a variety of looks, unless “hoochie” can be something besides hoochie lol.

    I adore Ana. WTF is she even DOING on this show, anyway?

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