Last week, Porsha was under Kordell’s rule, Kenya was mad at Phaedra and Cynthia wore too much hair and makeup. It was essentially the same stuff that has happened for the last four months but with feathers.
Porsha is unpacking and says she is having a hard time with it. Kordell can’t even find her makeup bag while helping her and instead “finds” her pregnancy test. Like any good husband, he menacingly asks what it is because the picture on the box of the woman weeping shamefully wasn’t enough of a hint.
“Me, you and baby makes four.”
Porsha explains the whole thing to Kordell. The girls bought her a pregnancy test from the dollar store and then put it in a name brand box like parents do with cereal. She goes into the bathroom to take it because Kordell needs to figure out if he needs to push her down the stairs or not. She asks how long she’s supposed to pee on it. First of all, she’s over 30 and bitch acting like she hasn’t taken at least five of these. It turns out…she’s not pregnant: insert sad face.
Kordell: Damn. I guess we should have had sex or something.
Kandi is touring her new office space. Someone told her last year that she’s running a multi-million dollar business on a bootleg budget. That’s funny that she started taking advice this year. People told her three years ago to get her money from Kim and now she finally is. It looks like Kandi didn’t heed her own advice and is, wait for it, tardy for the party.
Kandi: This was either a former crack house or a Blockbuster Video. They all look the same at this point.
NeNe is in NY doing the talk show rounds. She goes to Kelly & Michael and talks right over them which I love because usually I want to strangle Kelly four seconds into the show. NeNe says that it looks like fun but it’s hard work. I totes agree! Being driven around, getting dressed and made up always exhausts me. There’s a commercial for Married to Medicine and I am so tired of all these reality stars talking about how small Atlanta/Franklin Lakes/Beverly Hills/the medical community of Atlanta etc…is. Atlanta is four times the size of Manhattan and you know how many times I’ve had the same cab driver in NY? Never! You know how many times I’ve run into an ex? Once, but I’ve gotten around.
NeNe: What’s that? You’ve gotten around? Then close your legs to married men, like this!
Cynthia is trying on clothes for Peter’s upcoming men’s health event. Cynthia’s weird. You ever notice how in her interviews she narrows her eyes and says things real mysteriously, or maybe it’s sexy, but it’s at inappropriate times. I think they’re feeding her lines. Maybe she really does need those big, dumb glasses. Peter discusses inviting Walter to his event and Cynthia warns that Kenya will not like that. He thinks it’s immature and Cynthia, because she’s not unlike Porsha in her marriage, agrees that she’ll have to get over it. I think the only difference between Porsha and Cynthia’s marriage is that Peter drives wedges between Cynthia and others but since they’re beyond the possessive age, he lets her go off and do her own thing. Also, he’s banging a Bar One waitress.
“I’m going to wear this men’s suit. Kordell better not try to pick me up.”