So, hair is everything. Not modeling, motherhood, reality TV or running a business. Hair. I find it ironic that the RHOA star that probably has the least impressive hair states this but she’ll do anything. For hair! Cynthia is hosting the Bronner Brothers Hair Show. It’s exactly like Fashion Week but not at all. The winner of the hair show wins $1,000. Take that Fashion Week! Kenya and Lawrence show up and Derek J, who I believe is in the show, gather for a little girl talk. I’d be remiss to not mention two things; another close up of Kenya’s feet and her pageant waving as she descended the escalator…at the hair show….to no one in particular. The bomb is dropped once they all sit down to chat; Kenya is putting out a Stallion Booty DVD and everyone is unnecessarily supportive.
Lawrence: When I slap Kenya’s ass, I immediately think horse!
All of a sudden, everyone present thinks that the use of the word donkey is unappealing and the word stallion is much better. Lawrence and Derek J I understand, but Peter was way too eager to speak of his love for stallion ass. Lawrence thinks that Kenya’s body is the better between the two and Cynthia agrees. Derek J gets in a few jabs too but that won’t stop him from playing innocent a little later. Incidentally, he’s also playing Marty the Zebra in Madagascar 4: That Giraffe is Doing the Most, Honey!
NeNe and Gregg are trying and failing miserably at putting a crib together for Bri’Asia. That girl is too cute but I have a question. When kids have apostrophes in their names, how do they fill out SAT forms?
“Pretty soon we’ll find the latch and let you out very soon sweetie.”
Kandi is getting her hair done at Derek J’s salon. I remember very clearly that Kandi had her own stylist her first season. She’s either cheating on her or had to go to Derek for this scene. I think it’s the latter because cheating on your stylist has been scientifically proven to be worse than cheating on your husband. Then again, I have yet to forgive Kandi’s stylist for that horrendous short, red style she had her second season.
Derek J: Look to your left Kandi. Don’t you go back to that other shop! That could be you again.
Derek J spills the tea immediately. Kandi is shocked that Kenya would take Phaedra’s idea so she immediately calls her. Phaedra delivers her shock in a way only Phaedra can; a series of James Brown grunts, customized sassy Black woman insults and product placement for Six Flags. I could not believe that she included a reference to the “lumps and umps” of the Scream Machine (it was the Scream Machine, right?) If so, she was right on the money! In high school, we rode it during one of those special high school days at Six Flags and at the end of it, a high school boy from another school, delivered my hair to me because it had flown into his seat. It was so embarrassing! I got his number but still, suck it Scream Machine!
Derek J conveniently leaves out the details about how he agreed with everything that the group was saying about her donkey booty. Kandi, the Shit Stirrer, says that she wants to stay out of it even though she just put herself into it. I get it; she had an obligation to fill in Phaedra but Kandi always does that. Dips a toe into the Kool-Aid and then pulls it out. And then puts her head in the Kool-Aid. And then makes us look at it for a whole season. Sorry, I feel like I just came out of the closet with my revelation of my hatred for that hairstyle. I just finished typing that and an Xscape song came on. Let me find out Kandi has ESPN. Anyway, all of this is irrelevant! The good part is when Phaedra the Practical, as she is commonly known, says that Kenya might eat her, “get on bath salts and do something real weird” to her. No one says that spontaneously. Kenya should have played her cards right. I bet Phaedra and Apollo were thisclose to rearing that shiny stallion.
Cynthia is finally in her element. She is telling models where to stand, what to do and isn’t taking any excuses. Too bad the camera pans out and they’re all 11 and under. Cynthia is casting for a fashion show that benefits children with HIV. Just like in our real lives, her friends stop by to watch her work. Phaedra brings Ayden to audition. He screamed, he cried, he pooped. It was magic. Porsha stops by and loves the way one little girl thrusts her hips forward.
Cynthia: If I give you a lollipop, will you go away?
Porsha: I thought you’d never ask!
Phaedra, Cynthia and Porsha chat afterwards about Kenya’s video. Porsha can’t believe that Phaedra is surprised. Then again, Porsha can’t believe a lot of things.
Porsha: Is it true that Trix are for kids?
“I can’t believe that I have to pretend to be friends with this dummy now that Kenya and I are fighting.”
Cynthia explains that Kenya is a business woman. Porsha explains that she’s shady and a terrible human being. Phaedra has her own theories.
“I think she’s bi-polar.”
“She drinks a lot.”
“She took money out of a collection plate once.”
“She tricked me into getting pregnant before I was married.”
“She doesn’t stop forest fires.”
“She started an online petition to chain Django!”
Now that Phaedra has just talked her way into a defamation suit, let’s catch up with America’s favorite vodka swigging, bi-polar temptress. Kenya and Kandi are shopping for Riley’s room. Kandi is still on a mission to keep Riley as level headed as possible so she’s putting a red, plexiglass stage in her room. The production designer shows them some of his work and they stop in front of a huge ass to argue about…ass.
“All I see is ass crack.”
“Would you like to see some coochie crack?”
“I’m going to go over there and not listen to this.”
The short version of this is that Kenya wants money on the back end and Phaedra doesn’t want to give it to her. Kandi thinks she should have told Phaedra that it in the beginning. Kandi also thinks that Kenya is stealing her idea but Kenya had a distribution deal and a booty so she ran with it. Kandi wants to know what would keep her from doing something like Bedroom Kenya, a take on Kandi’s sex toy line. Kenya thinks that’s an exception because it’s a very specialized market. Ass workouts named after animals? That’s a very broad and frequently tapped market.
Hamster Booty: You’ll die before your first birthday but you’ll look fabulous!
Phaedra and Apollo don’t need Kenya, they’ve got White men! The company that produced Jane Fonda’s videos and have produced for Madonna are meeting with the couple to see what this donkey booty is all about. Phaedra explains that she’s friends with Jane. She met her in the Galapagos Islands and Jane told her to open her mind to the universe and to the possibility of dating men cuter than her. Apollo shows the guys some of his moves and it’s terrible. He’s probably weirded out when men ask him to perform since the whole prison thing. Their presentation isn’t impressive and they’re not particularly professional but the cameras are enough to get a deal from the guys. Yay!
Cynthia and NeNe meet for drinks. NeNe is watching her weight but she gets a chocolate martini anyway.
Cynthia: NeNe, the drink isn’t that bad!
NeNe: It’s not that. I just caught a glimpse of myself in these glasses!
Phaedra and Porsha have lunch since Kenya is on the outs with both of them now. They bond over, ummm, nothing. Well, eventually Porsha brings up Kenya so they can bash her but that’s it. Porsha says that Kenya has contacts, presumably with a fake eye color, and Phaedra says that Kenya AKA the devil’s little sister, claims to be working on a 20 million dollar deal. In her opinion, Kenya’s not even working on a 20 cent Tootsie Roll. Since when are Tootsie Rolls 20 cents?
“You have to pay for Tootsie Rolls? I thought that dance was free!”
Porsha claims that her first year of marriage was rough. Everyday she had to get up and decide if she was going to not cook, not clean or not work that day. Thinking is hard. You can tell Phaedra doesn’t respect the fact that Porsha doesn’t work. Maybe this is why she is barely on the show. She has nothing to add except that tired Kenya story from 8 episodes ago. She doesn’t work, doesn’t have kids, doesn’t have an IQ over 60. She’s also 31. I spend a lot of time with people older than me but Porsha at 31 is me at 7. She just doesn’t fit in with the group.
“I should have made sure we had more in common before we started dressing alike.”
It’s time for the big fashion show! Can I just say that I’ve never seen such a wild audience reaction to a fashion show? It’s so funny to see models strutting while the audience is cheering like they’re at a football game. The kids actually do look really good. Also, we got to see this:
Cynthia hugging Sisqo
Apollo is killing me right now! Sure I’d have to tape his mouth shut and forbid him to make conversation if he came within 50 feet of me but it’d all be worth it for a taste. Oh, Ayden is cute too. Kenya is annoyed that Phaedra has become friends with Porsha and mimes playing a fiddle while singing “I’m Phae Phae, I’m playing you” to the tune of 50 Cent “In Da Club.” I almost wish I fabricated that.
After the show, Kenya tells NeNe her side of the story. NeNe feels that Phaedra always does shady things and isn’t surprised. Then we find out that NeNe is also on Team Stallion as far as which animal booty she prefers. Is it weird that these people know so much about animal buttocks? Phaedra walks up to the group to find out what she’s missed.
Kenya: No one wants a donkey booty, Phaedra. They want stallion booty.NeNe: You bitches are crazy! I’m so glad that for once the drama doesn’t involve me.
Cynthia: What should I think NeNe?
Porsha: Let’s settle this with a dance off. Put in 20 cents. We’ll see who does the best Tootsie Roll!
Phaedra: Why didn’t I think of a prettier animal to model a booty after?
Apollo: I might have to inspect Kenya’s credentials…one cheek at a time.
Gregg: Who am I and why is no one talking to me?
Kenya: Never mind me. I’m just winding myself up for a twirl.
Long story short, Apollo accuses her of being a biter which he then has to translate to “copycat” because she pretends not to know what the former means. Kenya argues that the distribution deal was still on the table and she would have been crazy not to do it. Phaedra doesn’t have a copyright on the idea and they’re going to let the consumers decide. To date, Phine Body is available and Stallion Booty is not. I don’t know what that says but what do you think this picture says?
Which one would you rather have? Next week, Kenya goes Single Black Female on Phaedra. What’d you think about Kenya’s idea stealing? Who has the better body? Was Apollo a mess during that presentation?