RHOA Recap: Booty Brawl

Recaps

By L Boogie | Wednesday, January 23, 2013 | 11:14 pm | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

So, hair is everything. Not modeling, motherhood, reality TV or running a business. Hair. I find it ironic that the RHOA star that probably has the least impressive hair states this but she’ll do anything. For hair! Cynthia is hosting the Bronner Brothers Hair Show. It’s exactly like Fashion Week but not at all. The winner of the hair show wins $1,000. Take that Fashion Week! Kenya and Lawrence show up and Derek J, who I believe is in the show, gather for a little girl talk. I’d be remiss to not mention two things; another close up of Kenya’s feet and her pageant waving as she descended the escalator…at the hair show….to no one in particular. The bomb is dropped once they all sit down to chat; Kenya is putting out a Stallion Booty DVD and everyone is unnecessarily supportive.

Lawrence: When I slap Kenya’s ass, I immediately think horse!

All of a sudden, everyone present thinks that  the use of the word donkey is unappealing and the word stallion is much better. Lawrence and Derek J I understand, but Peter was way too eager to speak of his love for stallion ass. Lawrence thinks that Kenya’s body is the better between the two and Cynthia agrees. Derek J gets in a few jabs too but that won’t stop him from playing innocent a little later. Incidentally, he’s also playing Marty the Zebra in Madagascar 4: That Giraffe is Doing the Most, Honey!

NeNe and Gregg are trying and failing miserably at putting a crib together for Bri’Asia. That girl is too cute but I have a question. When kids have apostrophes in their names, how do they fill out SAT forms? 

“Pretty soon we’ll find the latch and let you out very soon sweetie.”

Kandi is getting her hair done at Derek J’s salon. I remember very clearly that Kandi had her own stylist her first season. She’s either cheating on her or had to go to Derek for this scene. I think it’s the latter because cheating on your stylist has been scientifically proven to be worse than cheating on your husband. Then again, I have yet to forgive Kandi’s stylist for that horrendous short, red style she had her second season. 

Derek J: Look to your left Kandi. Don’t you go back to that other shop! That could be you again.

Derek J spills the tea immediately. Kandi is shocked that Kenya would take Phaedra’s idea so she immediately calls her. Phaedra delivers her shock in a way only Phaedra can; a series of James Brown grunts, customized sassy Black woman insults and product placement for Six Flags. I could not believe that she included a reference to the “lumps and umps” of the Scream Machine (it was the Scream Machine, right?) If so, she was right on the money! In high school, we rode it during one of those special high school days at Six Flags and at the end of it, a high school boy from another school, delivered my hair to me because it had flown into his seat. It was so embarrassing! I got his number but still, suck it Scream Machine! 

Derek J conveniently leaves out the details about how he agreed with everything that the group was saying about her donkey booty. Kandi, the Shit Stirrer, says that she wants to stay out of it even though she just put herself into it. I get it; she had an obligation to fill in Phaedra but Kandi always does that. Dips a toe into the Kool-Aid and then pulls it out. And then puts her head in the Kool-Aid. And then makes us look at it for a whole season. Sorry, I feel like I just came out of the closet with my revelation of my hatred for that hairstyle. I just finished typing that and an Xscape song came on. Let me find out Kandi has ESPN. Anyway, all of this is irrelevant! The good part is when Phaedra the Practical, as she is commonly known, says that Kenya might eat her, “get on bath salts and do something real weird” to her. No one says that spontaneously. Kenya should have played her cards right. I bet Phaedra and Apollo were thisclose to rearing that shiny stallion.

Cynthia is finally in her element. She is telling models where to stand, what to do and isn’t taking any excuses. Too bad the camera pans out and they’re all 11 and under. Cynthia is casting for a fashion show that benefits children with HIV. Just like in our real lives, her friends stop by to watch her work. Phaedra brings Ayden to audition. He screamed, he cried, he pooped. It was magic. Porsha stops by and loves the way one little girl thrusts her hips forward.

Cynthia: If I give you a lollipop, will you go away?
Porsha: I thought you’d never ask!

Phaedra, Cynthia and Porsha chat afterwards about Kenya’s video. Porsha can’t believe that Phaedra is surprised. Then again, Porsha can’t believe a lot of things. 

 

Porsha: Is it true that Trix are for kids?

 “I can’t believe that I have to pretend to be friends with this dummy now that Kenya and I are fighting.”
Cynthia explains that Kenya is a business woman. Porsha explains that she’s shady and a terrible human being. Phaedra has her own theories.
 
“I think she’s bi-polar.”
“She drinks a lot.”
“She took money out of a collection plate once.”
“She tricked me into getting pregnant before I was married.”
“She doesn’t stop forest fires.”
“She started an online petition to chain Django!”
 
Now that Phaedra has just talked her way into a defamation suit, let’s catch up with America’s favorite vodka swigging, bi-polar temptress. Kenya and Kandi are shopping for Riley’s room. Kandi is still on a mission to keep Riley as level headed as possible so she’s putting a red, plexiglass stage in her room. The production designer shows them some of his work and they stop in front of a huge ass to argue about…ass.
“All I see is ass crack.”
 
“Would you like to see some coochie crack?”
 
“I’m going to go over there and not listen to this.”
 
The short version of this is that Kenya wants money on the back end and Phaedra doesn’t want to give it to her. Kandi thinks she should have told Phaedra that it in the beginning. Kandi also thinks that Kenya is stealing her idea but Kenya had a distribution deal and a booty so she ran with it. Kandi wants to know what would keep her from doing something like Bedroom Kenya, a take on Kandi’s sex toy line. Kenya thinks that’s an exception because it’s a very specialized market. Ass workouts named after animals? That’s a very broad and frequently tapped market.
 
Hamster Booty: You’ll die before your first birthday but you’ll look fabulous!
 
Phaedra and Apollo don’t need Kenya, they’ve got White men! The company that produced Jane Fonda’s videos and have produced for Madonna are meeting with the couple to see what this donkey booty is all about. Phaedra explains that she’s friends with Jane. She met her in the Galapagos Islands and Jane told her to open her mind to the universe and to the possibility of dating men cuter than her. Apollo shows the guys some of his moves and it’s terrible. He’s probably weirded out when men ask him to perform since the whole prison thing. Their presentation isn’t impressive and they’re not particularly professional but the cameras are enough to get a deal from the guys. Yay!
 
Cynthia and NeNe meet for drinks. NeNe is watching her weight but she gets a chocolate martini anyway.
 
Cynthia: NeNe, the drink isn’t that bad!
NeNe: It’s not that. I just caught a glimpse of myself in these glasses!
 
Phaedra and Porsha have lunch since Kenya is on the outs with both of them now. They bond over, ummm, nothing. Well, eventually Porsha brings up Kenya so they can bash her but that’s it. Porsha says that Kenya has contacts, presumably with a fake eye color, and Phaedra says that Kenya AKA the devil’s little sister, claims to be working on a 20 million dollar deal. In her opinion, Kenya’s not even working on a 20 cent Tootsie Roll. Since when are Tootsie Rolls 20 cents?
 
“You have to pay for Tootsie Rolls? I thought that dance was free!”
 
Porsha claims that her first year of marriage was rough. Everyday she had to get up and decide if she was going to not cook, not clean or not work that day. Thinking is hard. You can tell Phaedra doesn’t respect the fact that Porsha doesn’t work. Maybe this is why she is barely on the show. She has nothing to add except that tired Kenya story from 8 episodes ago. She doesn’t work, doesn’t have kids, doesn’t have an IQ over 60. She’s also 31. I spend a lot of time with people older than me but Porsha at 31 is me at 7. She just doesn’t fit in with the group.
 
“I should have made sure we had more in common before we started dressing alike.”
 
 It’s time for the big fashion show! Can I just say that I’ve never seen such a wild audience reaction to a fashion show? It’s so funny to see models strutting while the audience is cheering like they’re at a football game. The kids actually do look really good. Also, we got to see this:
Cynthia hugging Sisqo
And this:
Yowza!

Apollo is killing me right now! Sure I’d have to tape his mouth shut and forbid him to make conversation if he came within 50 feet of me but it’d all be worth it for a taste.  Oh, Ayden is cute too. Kenya is annoyed that Phaedra has become friends with Porsha and mimes playing a fiddle while singing “I’m Phae Phae, I’m playing you” to the tune of 50 Cent “In Da Club.” I almost wish I fabricated that. 
 
After the show, Kenya tells NeNe her side of the story. NeNe feels that Phaedra always does shady things and isn’t surprised. Then we find out that NeNe is also on Team Stallion as far as which animal booty she prefers. Is it weird that these people know so much about animal buttocks? Phaedra walks up to the group to find out what she’s missed.
 
Kenya: No one wants a donkey booty, Phaedra. They want stallion booty.
NeNe: You bitches are crazy! I’m so glad that for once the drama doesn’t involve me.
Cynthia: What should I think NeNe?
Porsha: Let’s settle this with a dance off. Put in 20 cents. We’ll see who does the best Tootsie Roll!

Phaedra: Why didn’t I think of a prettier animal to model a booty after?
Apollo: I might have to inspect Kenya’s credentials…one cheek at a time.
Gregg: Who am I and why is no one talking to me?

Kenya: Never mind me. I’m just winding myself up for a twirl.
 
Long story short, Apollo accuses her of being a biter which he then has to translate to “copycat” because she pretends not to know what the former means. Kenya argues that the distribution deal was still on the table and she would have been crazy not to do it. Phaedra doesn’t have a copyright on the idea and they’re going to let the consumers decide. To date, Phine Body is available and Stallion Booty is not. I don’t know what that says but what do you think this picture says?
 
 
 Which one would you rather have? Next week, Kenya goes Single Black Female on Phaedra. What’d you think about Kenya’s idea stealing? Who has the better body? Was Apollo a mess during that presentation?
 
 
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22 Comments

  1. 1
    Pari
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 6:27 am

    I’m soooo on Phaedra’s side! Kenya is a biter (and she knew exactly what that meant) and she’s shady. I don’t understand how NeNe and Cynthia could rationally be on Kenya’s side about it. She is taking her idea and just changing it to a different animal.

    I’ll admit Kenya has the better overall body, but Phaedra’s butt looks so much better. Kenya’s looks like she went to a transsexual in Florida and got concrete put into it. But other than her ass she’s hot.

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 6:50 am

    ok…Donkey has been the terminology for big ole butt for at least 20 years here in the south. The girls have openly used the term for at least 3 seasons and now when Kenya comes in and says “stallion booty” everyone is all yeah I’d rather have a stallion booty. There was even a song in recent years called “she gotta donk” which is again short for donkey.

    A couple of things about that…like Phaedra said, a stallion is a male. Also when men says “she’s built like a stallion” they are normally talking about thighs and legs.

    Kenya knows she was wrong for stealing the idea and she could have easily done a full body workout and things would have been ok. I don’t hear She by Sharee crying about the donkey booty workout even though Sharee was going to do a workout video herself. Those are two different markets but to both focus on the booty…now those are the same thing.

    And is the sex toy industry really that specialized?!?!!?

    I thought I was the only one who was going to notice that Kandi was cheating on her stylist. But it seemed staged because he only flat ironed her hair. No wash, tighten, blowout just a press and it didn’t look much different from when she came in. You absolutely can NOT cheat on your stylist. It’s just not done.

    I almost started to like NeNe again and she blew it just that quick at the fashion show.

    FYI Boogie…Apollo is like 5’7 maybe.

  3. 3
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Okay, is it just me or when you hear “Stallion” do you think of a gigantic horse penis? Just me? Okay then.

    Because a Stallion is MALE, so why WHY would I want to work out to a “Stallion” video? I mean, donkey booty is out for me, but isn’t the great phrase “Badonkadonk” came from? Right?

    Whatever, Kenya is pathological.

  4. 4
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Parents who name their kids things like “Bri’Asia” should realize that they are giving future employers reason to prequalify their child. And I’m not talking just race–if I were hiring, and a candidate’s was sporting a name like Bri’Asia, I could automatically assume “asshole”. Because in all likelihood, the candidate’s parents were assholes to think the name was a good idea, and the kid was probably raised to be an asshole, and by adulthood, they’d either be totally grooving on the idea of being named Bri’Asia and getting all kinds of undeserved attention for it (and being an asshole as a result), or they’d be bitter about their stupid name and their stupid parents (and being an asshole as a result.)

    I also don’t get the “donkey” and “stallion” booty thing. When Phaedra first started it, I figured it was just more of her nonsensical bullshit. Now, not only have I come to really despise the word “booty”, we have these two stupid adjectives to go along with it. Are these real descriptors in actual use in some urban demographics, or just some dumb shit Bravo is trying to make happen?

    We aren’t Eskimos, who need 26 different words for snow. They’re assess. And a chick’s either got a big, fat ass, or she doesn’t. I say we let the airlines be judges, and not get into a whole “fat” vs. “phat”, or “morbid obesity” vs. “badonkadonk”, cultural thing. If Southwest airlines wants you to buy a seat for you and another one for your ass, then cut back on the frozen Snickers bars, hoss. You’re not desirable, you’re obese.

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:09 am

    And yes, I really am this white. My parents were total honkies. I am painfully and hopelessly caucasian. I am the poster child for Melatonin Deficiency.

  6. 6
    kdognatl
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:22 am

    On team Phaedra, can not stand Kenya. Don’t find her entertaining in the least. @NWMTV you whole thing on Bri’Asia, hilarious! And L Boog the line about her name on the SAT, I almost fell out of my chair :D

    @Classy, was just telling some girlfriends at dinner that Nene was trying to make me like her again, but I just couldn’t trust her. And totally agree with what you said, she proved she hasn’t earned my like from this past episode, blog and endorsement of so called ms. fabulous. And L Boogie, you know Peter is auditioning to be a housewife…..

  7. 7
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:39 am

    “Are these real descriptors in actual use in some urban demographics, or just some dumb shit Bravo is trying to make happen?”

    Donkey is as real as it comes. Stallion is too but it isn’t used as much. Phaedra probably uses it more than most people, but Phaedra comments on asses more than most people. There’s also an onion booty. That’s a booty so nice it will make you cry.

    You’re Melatonin Deficiency doesn’t allow for you to respect a nice Donkey booty :)

  8. 8
    Ssarrrrah
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    To me, donkey booty is related to badonkadonk (what \junk in the trunk\ does when you hit a bump while driving your car) — not so much the animal, although ass is another word for donkey. That’s probably a coincidence. Who knows the etymology? (Laugh)

  9. 9
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    L Boogie thank you for the lovely reminiscence about the Scream Machine and your ‘hair delivery’. Cracked me up. Nothing like feeling the wind blowing through your hair. I also hated, hated, hated Kandi’s Woody Woodpecker ‘do.

    Having been face to face many times with both horses and donkey asses, I wish to possess neither. But I do think ol’ Keyna is a major horses ass. Twirl.

  10. 10
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    You twirl on Aunt Dorsey…twirl on. :)

  11. 11
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    LOL Between donkey booty and Bronner Brothers I think this episode dumped a mess of white folks in the culture shock tank.

    I already put this on Facebook. But people don’t try to get in the Bronner Brothers hair show for the prize $. It’s to get a resume bullet. For people that want to get jobs doing African hair and editorial hair at places like NY Fashion Week. And for movie studios.

    @eyediosmio I don’t know if it came from badonkadonk. Or the other way round. But I’ve heard people say donkey booty for >9000 yrs. Specially in the USA south.

    I heard these older ladies talking about Kenya in the grocery store. Calling her Kenya Shake and Bake. And laughing so hard they near about fell over.

    They were reminiscing about some girl they went to school with. Back in pre weave times. When anybody with hair Africa’d kissed hard enough to leave lipstick would use hot combs heated up on the stove. And grease. Anyway, their school friend used to put so much on that when she went by they’d all laugh and go “It’s not fried, it’s Shake and Bake.”

    From a commercial for chicken seasoning they had back then.

    And there’s always been arguments about who’s got it the worst. Between Africa hair girls and NDN hair girls. That won’t curl for shit. Even for prom. And you have to soak it in horse conditioner for like a half hour. Or it feels just like horse mane fur. (That’s the flavor I ended up with)

  12. 12
    Catherine
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Watch the Chris rock documentary ‘good hair’ for insight on the bronners hair show… Derek j is featured prominently! It’s actually really interesting. But the way it’s portrayed in the movie it IS the ny fashion week of hair!

  13. 13
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    @Catherine I saw that! It came out a couple of yrs ago but it was recent enough that I totally recognized Derek J from RHOA!

    BTW for anybody that doesn’t know, the title is a play on words. Since of course all the artists want to do “good” hairstyles for the show. But it’s also an old timey expression that means African hair that’s not so attitudinous that it takes a long time to fix. But over time it also got picked up to mean NDN hair that doesn’t have to be soaked in horse conditioner for as long a time, or that might even hold a little wave long enough to get your picture made.

  14. 14
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Oh and here’s the Bronner Brothers website.
    http://www.bronnerbros.com

    The company and the hair show both started up back 1947.

  15. 15
    Tmurda
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    @NWMTV- Holy shit, I’m DYING over your above rant about people with certain names being pre-disposed to asshole-ness. Fucking hysterical….and sooooooooo true. True story- My bff from college is a second grade teacher at an inner-city elementary school, and she called me during her lunch break on the first day of school last August to tell me that when she called roll that morning, learning her new students’ names for the first time, she came to “La-ia”. She called out “um…La……eeah?” A little black girl in the very back of the class immediately stood up, put her hand on her hip, and aggressively said “It’s LA DASH IA, OKAAAAY!?!”. Case and point.

  16. 16
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    @Tmurda I bet they made the “DASH” silent on purpose so their little girl wouldn’t suffer in her life from negative Kardashian implications.

  17. 17
    LAC LAC
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 9:06 am

    LBoogie – gracias on the recap! Yeah, I am with you on the Apollo thang. Don’t talk, just do…me. :)

    Donkeys, and Stallions, and dummies, oh, my!

    Kenya – you know where a video called “Stallion booty” is going to sell? Try places like “The Ramrod”, “The Hole”, “Club Wet, Wet, Wet”…on gay night…which will be every night at those places. Because a stallion booty is not what you think it is, you crazy heiffa. But it is fun to watch another episode of Kenya Crisco cray cray. Swirl!

    @NWMTV: I don’t know about names indicating whether someone is an asshole. I know a person named Kadisha, and she is a doll. And appreciating a nice ass is not outside the realm of the melanin challenged. Although, since Nigella Lawson is considered plus size, I could be wrong. :)

  18. 18
    Melesia
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Okay even Kenya realized that stallion booty was dumb, did you notice halfway through the episode she changed it stallion workout!

    and even through Phaedra might get sued for calling that chick bi polar I thought she hit it right on the money. You know we were all thinking it!

  19. 19
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    It was kind of skipped over, but in Anguilla when Kenya Koochie Krack was fake boohooing on the bed, Walter did ask her, ‘Kenya, did you take your meds?’

    I did really like that Hamster Booty though. That boy was built!

  20. 20
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    @Tmurda-My gf is a 5th grade teacher in NYC, in one of the boroughs, I can’t remember which one, but over Christmas we were talking about those crazy names that people come up with now…one of her students names is Female. Pronounced Fa-Mamalee…She saw it on the birth certificate application and thought it was pretty….so that is how she got the name…

    @Aunt Dorsey-I missed that part when Walter asked Kenya that…

    I thought Miss Lawrence was BFF’s with Sheree…

  21. 21
    Tmurda
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    @thisbuggs4u-Jesus…..I don’t even have any words for that one. Another thing ive noticed about people with redic names is that they get mad when others mispronounce them! I’m well aware of how annoying it is to go through life having your name misspronounced constantly because my name is Tamitha, and instead of just reading it exactly how it’s spelled (just like Tabitha, but with an “M”), they either say it like Tuh-mee-thu or Ta-man-thu (which ive never understood)….HOWEVER I realized early on that it’s something i’ll just have to get used to, and I either politely correct them, or let them pronounce it wrong cause I don’t feel like there’s any point if its someone ill never see them again or won’t be around them much, but I NEVER get rude about it. And mine, IMO, isn’t difficult to pronounce. But it seems like the more difficult/confusing the name, the more irrate the jackass gets when its mispronounced! They should go off on their parents for being morons, not me cause I said it wrong. ASSHOLES!!

  22. 22
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    I am surprised the person that named her, or your teacher friend hadn’t heard of the old insulting joke about the dumb spanish speaking woman who named her child the exact same thing because she didn’t know how to fill the form out properly.

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