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Good day dear readers. We’re back for Season 5 of RHOA. We’ve lost Sheree but we’ve gained a psychotic former Miss USA, Kenya Moore. No Real Housewives season opener would be complete without listening for new tag lines at the beginning.
Nene: I have arrived and the spotlight is on me honey. That’s not a spotlight. It’s your gleaming halo of yellow hair.
Kim: I asked, believed and received. Asked for a rich man who believed when she said she was on birth control & she’ll be receiving 20 years of football $$.
Kandi: I may be small, but my empire keeps on growing. Empire in many languages also means butt.
Phaedra: I’m a southern belle; brains, booty and all business. You’re an attorney. Stop it!
Kenya: I won Miss USA, not Miss Congeniality. Duh…that was Sandra Bullock.
Cynthia: Beauty fades but class is forever. We know you have lots of class because you don’t need money to buy it. My friends.
Things open up with Nene, reportedly the highest paid housewife of them all. She’s divorced from Gregg but he still comes around, picks up the mail and follows behind her in case any loose change falls out of her purse. As you may recall from two seasons or so ago, Gregg spent $300,000 of his own money to make her into what she is. Unfortunately for Gregg he said this on a radio show, Nene and the whole world heard it, and now he’s living in the Dodge Charger that Nene bought for Bryce last year. Nene wants to go to L.A, since she’s a big time star who’ll be shooting a new sitcom. Gregg immediately asks when they’re leaving and Nene never really replies because she’s a big time star who’ll be shooting a new sitcom. She leaves him with a little hope though and an order:
Next up is Kandi. We learned last year that Kandi had met and moved in with Todd who works or worked for Bravo. They met on the trip to South Africa, have already purchased a house together and are talking kids. Kandi drops a precious little tidbit that they both like the name Kash for a baby boy. We all know who ended up naming their baby Kash. She steals songs and baby names! Anyway, Kandi’s still stuffing her face, which I feel is commendable since no other housewife seems as comfortable chowing down on camera, and reliving all of the wonderful moments they’ve shared.
So last year I pretty much hated Kim. I’m not even sure that I remember why but I just couldn’t deal with her. It might have been her materialism, pimping men (or women) and denying it or fake cancer story from Season 1 but I’ve entered this season judgement free. I’ve been listening to self help tapes. Yes I said tapes. I haven’t yet accepted that I deserve to own a Sony Discman with Mega Bass.
Kim, the lovely little housewife she is, is opening birthday presents for KJ. First, Kroy’s parents send a stuffed animal or two which I believe were Kroy’s. The bonus of having a younger husband: the toys are still in style. I’m almost positive I saw a stuffed Dark Knight doll in that box. Last Christmas, I got a hood ornament from my great-grandfather’s Buick, my elementary school uniform and old monogrammed towels that I’d gotten when I was nine. Seriously. The funny thing is, I loved all of it! I’m too damn old to be looking for gifts from people. Anygift, Kim remarks that the $25.00 to KJ from her parents is okay because it’s what her parents can afford. Maybe my priorities are skewed, but isn’t $25.00 pretty decent for a kid who can’t even say twenty five dollars.
The infamous house issue is finally addressed. Remember how Kim was so insistent that her house be decorated before she moved into it? Well, it seems she forgot to drop that check in the mail for Kenya, the decorator/landlord. Also, she and Kroy leased the house and planned to buy it contingent upon an appraisal that had yet to be done. Here I go again with my skewed priorities. Shouldn’t that have been done before decorating, moving in and declaring in front of the country that she was not being evicted from her home? Long story short, the house isn’t worth buying, they plan to move but the landlord will not extend the lease. I think. Kim’s a squatter. She’s literally just going to stay in the house until they are legally evicted. As a landlord, I want to bludgeon her. As a recapper, I want to bludgeon her while typing about it.
I don’t even know what to say about Phaedra. I like her and her one liners but I saw this twice and can barely remember what she did this episode. I know she met with a vet about expanding her business to include pet funerals but it seemed that she failed to make a connection with the doctor/lover of animals.
“These are lovely doors. Are they made out of elephant tusks? I brought home a pair after we went to South Africa last year. I threw them out. They clashed with my snakeskin toothbrush and bald eagle alarm clock. So what’s the best way to make money off of fools who have pets?”
Cynthia reminds me of Carole from RHONYC in the sense that she’s probably the most normal but also the most likely to pull off a weird situation. Leon, her daughter’s father, comes traipsing down the steps of her home that she lives in with her current husband. Wha?? At first I thought I saw it wrong but then I realized that this is hotter than I could have ever imagined. Leon in the same house as Cynthia?! She probably begs Peter to work late at those “pool parties” at Bar One. By the way, this group might be a little boring but they are so gorgeous it doesn’t matter. The big issue in Cynthia’s household is that she wants Noelle to be homeschooled because it’s what she prefers and Leon does not. They go back and forth until Noelle walks in and confirms that she…drumroll please….wants to go to school!
Cynthia: Noelle loves being homeschooled.
Noelle: But mom, I spend all my time teaching your models how to sign contracts without reading them.
Kandi has invited Kim over to see her new house and wow. Kim immediately comments that only one side of Kandi’s gate opens. First of all, she has a gate that she OWNS and all of the property. Sweetie comments that it’s ghetto. Oh, I forgot to mention that Sweetie is back. She’s not wearing that frosted pink lipstick anymore though as Courtney Stodden has purchased every tube known to man. Kim then comments that surely Kandi is redoing the house and it was a foreclosure.
As they start the tour, Kim says that Sweetie warned her about the neighborhood. Few things are as insulting as putting down one’s house and neighborhood. It happens to me all of the time and Teresa Giudice didn’t help by proclaiming that she’s from “Paterson, bitch!” Most of us just got power restored from the hurricane and a woman at work said to me that there better be power in downtown Paterson or else people will be rioting and looting. Not only was power out in some of those areas, there was none of that behavior whatsoever. It’s just obnoxious. I have a special appreciation for Kandi keeping it together but I also think she’s making Peter look right (when he called her a pushover in relation to Kim).
Kim also said she locked her doors. Was she scared someone was going to reach into the car and give her birth control? Give her rent money? Return Sweetie to her rightful owner? Who knows…she goes on to question Kandi’s choice of paint then tells her what color her banister should be etc…. Hate it! Let the girl be happy, decorate at her pace and in her own way and congratulate her. How hard is it to just ooh and aah at your friend’s new house? Then again, Kim is pregnant and we know from Phaedra’s first season that it can make amusing people insufferable. Kim looks down on Kandi’s indoor pool but says it’s okay because Kandi is Black and doesn’t need to tan. I’m done. It was so awkward and unnecessary to say that. Kim has claimed several times that she doesn’t see color but then makes remarks like that. It’s the classic Ricki Lake defense. I don’t see color! My best friend is Black! Some of my best shoe shiners are Black!
Kenya, just like me Kenya. Anyone remember that doll and song? It was out in the 90′s and I got one for Christmas. She had curly hair that you could make straight with magic lotion. Well this Kenya is not just like me. Instead of her hair changing, it seems her mental stability does. I loved this woman from the time I was a little girl. I remember her winning Miss USA and I always wanted to be like her. She was one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen. And then she came on RHOA. If anything, my self-esteem has received a significant boost. A beautiful woman is 41, batshit crazy and still single? I’ve still got over a decade before I give up entirely and marry the first pudgy, rich man that comes my way. Okay pudgy, poor man. Okay, man. Okay, anyone who’ll take me to my class reunion so I don’t look like a complete loser.
Kenya meets for lunch with Miss Lawrence whom she’s supposedly known for 12 years. She had some mystery ex in Texas but that didn’t work out and now she’s with some rich Georgian man. She’s been proposed to six times but never went through with it. Now her uterus is ready. We also find out that she hates to lose, likes to win (see, this is the type of crazy shit she says and does) she hates cold, loves hot, hates up, likes down and has a butt that rivals all of her castmates. I don’t get it. My butt isn’t flat but it is NOT on the level of these girls. Is it true? Is it the ham sammiches they eat? That’s what I was told a few years ago. I actually tried it. I am now a vegetarian. Interesting fact: her mother denies ever having had her so her aunt raised her. That. Explains. A lot. We know from previews that she’s a little psycho so here’s hoping everyone who films with her has informed their next of kin.
Nene meets with Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee, New Normal, American Horror Story etc…I may have gotten some of his credits wrong but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is Nene, her Birkin bag, Celebrity Apprentice and Tyler Perry. She crams all of those name drops into 24 seconds. They even call her buddy Tyler but it turns out he’s been forewarned by the RHOA producers and disconnected that line. I sincerely hope that Nene doesn’t truly think that any of these Hollywood people are really her friends. She’s enjoying the ride but needs to stay grounded. Then again, Hollywood loves sassy, Black women so she may work until she’s as old as Zsa Zsa whose number has coincidentally been disconnected as well. By the way, I loved that she and Ryan laughed off Tyler’s number being changed.
Ryan: What are the chances of Kim letting us use Tardy for The Party on Glee?
Nene: Slim to none honey. Kim is a low down monkey with a wig on.
Ryan: Great, let’s totes bash her. She thought Kings of Leon had it bad.
At the Cynthia Bailey School of Agency Modeling and Hair Care Inc, there is a casting call for the Jet Beauty of the Week. In case you’re not aware, it’s a weekly magazine that always features a swimsuit clad woman with interests. I kinda wanted to be one but also knew that all of this couldn’t be contained by paper. By all of this, I am clearly referring to stretch marks. Kenya is one of the judges at the casting call and is very over the top. It’s like she’s auditioning for ANTM which in her mind she probably is. She says that one of the models is a man, asks one why they even showed up and berates one for showing her coochie crack and ass crack. Everyone gets agitated with her rude behavior and one of Cynthia’s employees tries to explain why they need to be gentle with these girls. I’m 99.9% sure that the reason is they need the girls to see a glimmer of hope in their modeling careers so they can keep throwing money and coochie crack at the Bailey Agency School & Deli. To her credit, Kenya asks him a couple of questions first.
O-to the-MG! He doesn’t take well to that and of course throws out the line regarding who the hell she actually is. I must say, I was a big pageant watcher as a kid so I know of her but it is quite possible that kids under the age of 25 might not know her. She calls him a bitch and then calls for her security because as she tells us during her one on one, people are crazy. Is “people” crazy people code for “I am”. Her security physically moves Carlton, who shockingly did not do the Carlton dance as I’m sure it’s not unusual for him to be shoved by anyone. Cynthia intervenes while Carlton scribbles furiously in his notepad.
Cynthia brings some calm to the situation because everyone, including the other judges, are very annoyed with Kenya. There’s nothing like a pretty person with a nasty personality. It’s like an ice cream cone falling on a floor. You wanna lick it but you can see everything it picked up and you’re too grossed out to go for it. Cynthia lays down some ground rules. They have to give constructive criticism, be supportive of the models and sign co-judge contracts that guarantee they’ll be BJs forever (Best Judges). That’s right Cynthia! Take charge! Show them who’s boss! Wait, what was that? Oh, the auditions are over. Cynthia intervened just in time to look inadequate. The more things change…
Once all the models return to the room, Kenya jumps out of her seat to congratulate all of the girls for making it this far. Immediately afterwards, Cynthia jumps out of her seat and says just about the same thing but prefaces it with her name and the fact that she is the owner of the agency and she’s the one who’s important.
The stage is set for a Cynthia/Kenya showdown. Phaedra and Nene cozy up and Kandi’s annoyed. Kenya finds out her man tried to date Kandi and you see a flicker of her crazy eyes.
This is the kind of episode that people will probably say is boring but it’s setting everything up for the future. Kim will be exiting, I think, and that’s when Porsha will appear. Some seem to think Nene will do the same but she seems to be in a lot of the previews. And I can not wait for all of the husband flirting misadventures that will take place this season! So what did you think? Was Kim out of line with the Kandi comments? Is Kenya too much already? Will Leon read this and stop by my house for some in person homeschooling?