RHOA Recap: Pageants, the Gospel and You

Recaps

By L Boogie | Tuesday, February 19, 2013 | 5:06 pm | 9 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

 It’s time for the big pageant. Miss Recognizance 2012 brought to you by Cynthia Bailey in Conjunction with the builders of the Titanic and Sesame Street. This failure is brought to you by the letter 3. I seriously can’t wait to see what this pageant has in store and neither can Kenya. Kenya is feeling easy, breezy, beautiful since her non-cancer diagnosis and has offered Cynthia the life of one teenage beauty queen for the chance to be a pageant judge. Just like in the Bible days. Cynthia quickly agrees because she’s eager to stay on Team Kenya since Team Porsha crashed and burned like Porsha’s attempt to work unsupervised.


Kenya: You see this leash she’s on? Let me in or it’ll be Saw VIII up in this bitch.

Porsha meets Kordell at a restaurant and it seems like they haven’t seen each other since the last episode. He sure does have a lot of out of town business. What is it?  I feel like his business involves fists, cuffs and bear traps. Or Twinkie traps. Anyway, he asks the waiter what’s good there. Drum roll please: fucking pizza. He’s basically at a glorified Domino’s. If the best thing a restaurant can offer is pizza, take down the grandstanding a bit. Anyway, Porsha asks for Sprite but Kordell shuts that down like his Grindr app when she walks into a room. He tells her to get wine and she reacts like it’s a great decision.

“Do you want to get waterboarded again?”

“Is that like when you took out the hose and let all the neighborhood men go through it while they crawled under your legs. Yes, let’s do it again! You made a lot of friends that day!”

Porsha has been working more hours since she dropped the ball on the pageant. The irony is that Cynthia needed one document from the charity and couldn’t get it yet Porsha is at the charity all the time now. Anyway, Kordell says fuck the hungry and homeless, he wants her home more. Porsha realizes that this comes out of Kordell’s desire for a traditional marriage. You know, one in which the woman can take body blows and still have dinner ready by 6PM.

Next hot topic: babies. Porsha wants to “borrow” her brother’s baby like it’s an ‘effin copy of 50 Shades of Gray. Kordell is concerned about Porsha’s ability to not kill things so he isn’t into the idea. She starts rationalizing that when they eventually have kids, they’ll be able to afford a nanny. Kordell does NOT want a nanny in the house. He’ll be damned if some tramp is running through his house in heels holding onto his baby. Unless it’s Miss Lawrence. And the baby is his penis. She convinces him that it’ll be okay, even though he’ll be out of town, and forbids her to have her mom come and help. ..lest she finds his whips and chains and reports him to the Civil Rights Commission.

Phaedra and Apollo are hosting dinner with Kandi and Todd and their guest chef is none other than, Chef Robles of the show…American Chef Robles. I don’t freakin know. I saw an episode or two but it didn’t really click with me. He’s cute enough but young and skinny. I can’t pay attention to men with smaller waistlines than me.

He’s cooking a meal flush with aphrodisiacs at Apollo’s request because he needs some way to continue living a rent free life at Phaedra’s. He uses all kinds of sexy puns like: mussels look like labia majora. Nothing like scientific lady part terms to convince us all that you’re straight! The girls briefly discuss an upcoming trip to L.A. and Vegas to see NeNe and then it’s on to Kandi and her new venture.

Phaedra: Oooh honey. That dinner was tippy tie on the dippy dow! Sa da tay chile!
Kandi: You’re a no good sinner Chef Robles! I’m gonna write a techno, gospel song about you.

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9 Comments

  1. 1
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 19, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Hey LBoogie! We have Verizon too! When we moved we got no reception in our house, yet we are in a full coverage zone. My husband called and they sent us a router. WE got it for free. I am sure that you might be able to haggle with them. Tell them you work from home, and you can’t get shit for reception, and it takes days to download a file for work :)

    What the hell kind of spelling is Jordynn? You’d think she was one of those T&T kids…!

    This show has taken a turn, and I don’t actively seek it out on Sunday nights….I did catch the repeat lastnight while I was waiting for RHBH to come on…

  2. 2
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 19, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    “I can totally see myself in this pageant. I mean, I know I’m not 18 but I do like some sparkle.”~Porscha

    Has this woman had an IQ test?

  3. 3
    emerthorne
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 6:16 am

    I only saw the last half, as I watched I wondered if the real host canceled & they just found Boris walking his dog or something. I thought Porsha’s niece was her aunt.

  4. 4
    LAC LAC
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Daymm, if these bitches get any any simpler, they will be doing a telethon called “Help a bitch get a brain!” LBoogie, you are too funny! Thank you for the great recap again!!

    Cynthia and the Pageant – wow, honey boo boo ain’t got nothing to worry about. That was a hot mess. Do words on paper act like a garlic to a vampire with this woman? You put a piece of paper in Cynthia’s hand and it burns her like holy water on Linda Blair. And yes, wasn’t Boris annoying? I just wanted to knock him down, take off that inappropriate shirt, sit on his face and tell him…sorry, what?

    Please let this be the end of Miss Renaissance, jebus!

    Kandi – Yeah, that might be a good idea to redo that prayed up song – maybe let Warren Sapp sing it all. Her voice can be decent, but that vibrato is too much to me. But at least she is out there doing something that you can actually see working, unlike Stupid Model. Hey, dad is kinda cute… :)

    Phaedra – honey chile, nutthin’ says you are a southern gentleman then being able to say “vagina”. She just continues to amuse. And yeah, girl, I am with you on Chef Roble – I can’t work up a fantasy over someone who I fear I would crush with an embrace. :) Unlike Apollo, who I would pour Hennessy on and …sorry, what?

    Nene – girl, please come heavy this week. You putting me to sleep…

    Kenya – wow, managed to go a whole episode without being the center of cray cray. Saving it up for California, probably.

    Porsha – OMG…there should be an 800 number every time she is on screen. That number needs to be linked to child endangerment services, a locksmith and fire and rescue. And Kordell’s “me Tarzan, you Jane” act is getting old. I know that she could get lost in a parked car, but you do not want to have to share custody of the chanel bags, okaaaay? Be nice… :)

  5. 5
    makmck77
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 8:51 am

    omg!! hilarious!!!!! ech sentence was funnier than the last and had me lol-ing! fantastic recap – cant wait to watch the ep!

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @makmck77 Cosign everthing you said.

    I’m a total @L Boogie fangirl from the 1st recap of hers I ever read!

  7. 7
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    “I can’t pay attention to men with smaller waistlines than me.”

    AMEN! Back to reading…

  8. 8
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Dammit! I posted a comment one page before seeing this…

    “And you can always speak for me in the comments. as long as you don’t speak like Phaedra or Porsha.”

    LOL. I solemnly swear to NEVER speak like Phaedra OR Porsha! I’d have to wash my own mouth out with soap.

  9. 9
    nativepeach
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Hilarious recap! Loved all the Pootie Tang references (side note – did ANYONE know that Pootie Tang was written and directed by Louis C.K.?? “I gots to say “na, nay, no…”)

    You were not exaggerating at all about how Porsha was handling that baby, bless her simple little heart. Right again about Chef Roble. I’d break his tiny ass in two! I wonder if that was the night Phaedra got knocked up… I’m another non-fan of Kandi’s singing. She needs to stick to producing. Boris sure is lovely to look at, but he dropped the ball with both his attire, and hosting skills. Disappointing. Not at all surprised that it was another fiasco for Cynthia. And, I thought, “Wtf, is she from X-men??” when Porsha introduced her niece. Too funny!

    I’m expecting some kind of drama next week because things have been getting really boring lately. Your recaps are far more entertaining.

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