RHOA Recap: Pageants, the Gospel and You

Yes, AmyOops. Phaedra has always talked and looked like this and the pregnant version was less amusing! She’s basically Pootie Tang. And you can always speak for me in the comments. as long as you don’t speak like Phaedra or Porsha.

Kandi is a little nervous about her foray into gospel because she knows that it looks weird that she’s doing it but they give her all kinds of ways to justify her exploitation of it. To be fair, 90% of gospel artists are doing the same in my opinion so she’s not alone. OMG, Phaedra is getting worse. She’s a walking caricature. I really can not take her face and voices right now! Apollo didn’t get the memo and has the nerve to sully his good looks with his speaking. He says that gospel is one of the number one selling genres of music. Dear Apollo, shut the hell up and look pretty you non-math calculating gigolo. How can you be one of the number ones? Kadooz to him for saying genres properly, I think. Enough about gospel, Kandi informs us that when Todd drinks Hennessy she can’t get his ‘little friend’ to go down. Praise Jebus!

Guess what saints and ain’ts? Kandi is in the studio with Marvin Sapp!

Don Juan: Welcome to the ninth circle of hell Mr. Sapp.

Kandi says that she knows people are judging her because of her sex toy line but I don’t think that’s the case. We’re judging her because of premarital sex, having a child out of wedlock, living with a man whilst unmarried, having her drink stirred by a wily dick on TV, encouraging women to put sugar in their vagina and eating with her mouth open on repeated occasions. For the record, I don’t care what she does with her personal life. I just don’t like when religion is pimped for personal gain. And again, the gospel industry is rife with it so I suppose she actually fits in well.Oh, and don’t forget that Bedroom Kandi has been swamped with orders from preacher’s wives. Keyword: wives. Other keywords: husband, out of town, on business, slutting it up, secretly banging a man, having a love child, wife, needs, sex toys.

Her father shows up to the studio and is relieved that Kandi will at least get to wave before she gets shot straight into the fiery pits of hell. Nothing like an absent father coming around to talk shit and get his Marvin Sapp 8 track autographed. Kandi keeps justifying what she’s doing and Marvin tells her to shut the hell up so they can record this song and start shoveling it out to the masses in a supposed attempt to save their souls. Her dad says her grandparents are crying in their graves. Crying in their graves?! When’s the last time his heathen ass has been to church?! He must be in the special Sunday School because I’m pretty sure that is NOT how it works.

“I’m sure your grandaddy is in heaven right now with Hitler and Bin Laden meditating with Buddha and smoking weed with Bob Marley.”

 NeNe is in town for a couple of days and Cynthia makes her way over. Did you see how Cynthia asked if NeNe was opening her big Hollywood checks and then really stared at the paperwork as if hoping to snatch one away? I think this pageant might be the straw that makes her pull that trigger to get Peter’s insurance policy. NeNe complains about how hard it is to learn her lines for the show. She’s still amazed that she’s made it this far. I’m amazed that she’s fashioning her hair after Dennis the Menace.

Cynthia gushes over her for 47 minutes and then tells NeNe that since Kenya asked nicely and brought her a human sacrifice, she will let her be a pageant judge. After all, she was Miss USA.

“I don’t care if she’s Miss Boo Boo. Matter of fact I don’t care if she’s Honey Boo Boo. I don’t care if she’s Mrs. Wilson and she just baked a pie and Mr. Wilson told me not to go near it! I’m gonna eat that pie! What were we talking about?”

The last part of their conversation is about the girls visiting NeNe in L.A. NeNe says it’s her place of peace so she doesn’t want the girls to come and show their Black asses. It’s not her fault. She is neighbors with Mel Gibson. She’s just trying to prevent a race war.

Porsha has the baby! And the baby has a 23% chance of survival. Porsha snatches Jaydnn out of the car, hits her head whilst doing so, makes her carry her luggage in and then picks her up by one arm, tosses her into the house and into the dog’s food bowl and then feeds her Twizzlers. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m sure I’m not exaggerating. I feel like there’s going to be one of those serious screens with a warning about child abuse when they cut to commercial. I fear this will end like Flowers for Algernon. Not for Porsha/Lenny, it would be a service to us all.

Porsha actually changes her diapers which is great and is shocked at what’s in there. she asks if they’ve been feeding her bananas. No bitch! You just fed the girl Twizzlers like one scene ago. That’s what happens when you combine red, chemical candy ropes with a brand new digestive system: monster shit! The baby eventually runs around what looks to be the exact opposite of a baby-proof home while Porsha prepares to burn dinner.

If you suspect a child is being abused, call 1-800- GET ME AWAY FROM THIS CRAZY BITCH. If you can not get to a telephone, distract your captor with shiny objects.

Kandi and Marvin are back in the studio. They know the song is going to be number one because Kandi “claimed” it. Another new age religion thing. Anything you say out loud will come true if you really, really want it. That’s how gospel artists become successful, preachers get on TV and mass murderers keep killing people. It’s just my opinion but I think all proceeds from this song should go towards dildos for women in Guatemala. Marvin comes in and knocks his part out right away. Regarding Kandi’s Chipette tendencies: they’re even worse when paired with Marvin’s voice. She says she wants to go back and re-record her stuff. I hope re-record is music talk for delete and insert Marvin’s voice. 

It’s pageant time! It’s pageant time! And as expected it’s bootleg as ever. First of all, why is Cynthia picking up Boris Kodjoe?! This the type of event in which a limo or Town Car should be used. When she pulls up, he is in a button down shirt and jeans. Cynthia is shocked and asks if he’s ever hosted a pageant before. Whoa, whoa, whoa…she never asked this question?! I am losing my mind and we haven’t even gotten to the pageant yet! She deserves everything that goes on quite frankly. 

At the pageant location, Kenya is thereon time and in her crown, sashay and cabaret. Seriously, she is making me remember the Kenya I loved as a kid. Meanwhile, Cynthia receives the script from her supervisor who must have been sent over from a competing agency, Tyler Perry Presents the Tyler Perry Agency of Tyler Perry’s Fashion School, because she has the script completely out of order and insists on fixing it by giving them additional pages out of order. this should have been done AT LEAST the previous night. I’ve sen people better prepared for muggings!

Boris: I’m Boris. I’m pretty. I’m Boris. I’m pretty.
Cynthia: Somebody get this fool away from me.

Boris: I’m Boris. I’m pretty. I helped.
Cynthia: Should we call his wife? I’m seriously concerned.

The pageant starts and Cynthia’s mic isn’t working. Instead of handling it professionally, Boris proceeds to talk over Cynthia and announce that it is not working. I swear, this guy thinks he’s so cute that he can just be obnoxious and women will still throw their panties at him. So annoying! Give me a sec…I just need to get my free Victoria’s secret panties of my flat screen. Anyway, the two of them proceed to mess up most of the girl’s names because they are out of order. Another sign this is a scam, Cynthia doesn’t even know her girls! She should know them regardless of the notes. Boris, of course, obnoxiously announces this error too. Cynthia is relieved once that category is over and announces intermission. One issue, she forgot an entire category of girls! On the plus side, her eyes really lit up when she realized she underestimated how many girls she financially hoodwinked into this travesty.

During the actual intermission, during which nothing appeared to be happening, Kenya goes backstage and tells Cynthia that things are going well. See how a lack of cancer can change a person! Maybe all assholes need to go through a cancer scare so they can become human again. Porsha, who should have been singing during intermission, shows up late with Jaydnn and her other niece, 15 year old Storm, in tow. I may need a minute. Porsha? Jadynn? Storm? Sounds like the most fucked up X-Men ever.