RHOA Recap: Pageants, the Gospel and You

Recaps

By L Boogie | Tuesday, February 19, 2013 | 5:06 pm | 9 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

 

Mutation: Staring vacantly into space to hide emotional turmoil

If that’s 15 in 2012, I better hurry up and just marry that bearded lady who keeps asking if I like candy cuz I’m screwed. WTF! When I was 15 I did not have one shouldered dresses, Kool-Aid hair and a porn star name. Then again, I didn’t even have a calculator on my cell phone. I didn’t have a cell phone. I wasn’t allowed to use the phone after 10PM! I’m sad for society.  Porsha is thrilled to be at the pageant because she loves sparkly dresses, shiny objects and chasing balls across the street. Only Kordell’s balls though. As they hustle over to the gardener across the street.

Back at the pageant, the girls answer some questions, walk around and then it’s time to tally the votes. Of course, Cynthia has nothing prepared for this time either. She should have had a local band, poet, comedian, raffle, Porsha count to 10. Anything that would have taken 15 minutes! Oh well….the throwaway scene of the week was Cynthia’s attempt to kill time. She walked the runway and Boris made a joke about the difference between a model walk and a pageant walk. He’s so annoying. Hold on…let me just get my Hanes boy cut briefs off the TV. I had to change. Someone mentioned Apollo’s name and…well…you know.

Peter goes in the back to regulate and get the scores tallied quickly. He didn’t care about the winner, he just wanted to get back to Skyping with Kordell. Phaedra shares with Kandi that her booty is eating her G-string.

Phaedra: Mmmm, my taladoo is chewin on my dippy dow.
Kandi: Lawd, please forgive this heathen. Also, I’d like to put in a claim for a Benz. Thanks. You fly above all the haters…literally.

Well, the winner must have gotten into those Twizzlers because when they announced her she started convulsing and hitting the floor like Porsha when she forgets to ask Kordell for permission to clap.

Everyone commends Cynthia for a job half done. Kandi thinks there’s a few kinks to work out and Porsha gives her two snaps because that’s all she can count up to without using her other hand.

Next week, they go to L.A., they throw Walter in Kenya’s face and NeNe throws them out of the hills. I hope L.C. makes a guest appearance.

So what’d you think? Was Boris ridic with that outfit? Do you like Kandi’s song? Will you buy it? Is Phaedra OD or am I overly sensitive to English? Is Jadynn still with us? Are her parents going to press charges? Love you guys for reading and the comments! I try to respond but I kid you not, it’s damn near impossible. Someone mentioned getting a router to get better signal at home through my tablet so I must call Verizon! I’m currently typing this in a crowded Dunkin’ Donuts next to two Albanian women who say everything like they’re saying “my whole family was killed in front of me.” I can’t take it. Til next week!

 

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9 Comments

  1. 1
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 19, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Hey LBoogie! We have Verizon too! When we moved we got no reception in our house, yet we are in a full coverage zone. My husband called and they sent us a router. WE got it for free. I am sure that you might be able to haggle with them. Tell them you work from home, and you can’t get shit for reception, and it takes days to download a file for work :)

    What the hell kind of spelling is Jordynn? You’d think she was one of those T&T kids…!

    This show has taken a turn, and I don’t actively seek it out on Sunday nights….I did catch the repeat lastnight while I was waiting for RHBH to come on…

  2. 2
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 19, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    “I can totally see myself in this pageant. I mean, I know I’m not 18 but I do like some sparkle.”~Porscha

    Has this woman had an IQ test?

  3. 3
    emerthorne
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 6:16 am

    I only saw the last half, as I watched I wondered if the real host canceled & they just found Boris walking his dog or something. I thought Porsha’s niece was her aunt.

  4. 4
    LAC LAC
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Daymm, if these bitches get any any simpler, they will be doing a telethon called “Help a bitch get a brain!” LBoogie, you are too funny! Thank you for the great recap again!!

    Cynthia and the Pageant – wow, honey boo boo ain’t got nothing to worry about. That was a hot mess. Do words on paper act like a garlic to a vampire with this woman? You put a piece of paper in Cynthia’s hand and it burns her like holy water on Linda Blair. And yes, wasn’t Boris annoying? I just wanted to knock him down, take off that inappropriate shirt, sit on his face and tell him…sorry, what?

    Please let this be the end of Miss Renaissance, jebus!

    Kandi – Yeah, that might be a good idea to redo that prayed up song – maybe let Warren Sapp sing it all. Her voice can be decent, but that vibrato is too much to me. But at least she is out there doing something that you can actually see working, unlike Stupid Model. Hey, dad is kinda cute… :)

    Phaedra – honey chile, nutthin’ says you are a southern gentleman then being able to say “vagina”. She just continues to amuse. And yeah, girl, I am with you on Chef Roble – I can’t work up a fantasy over someone who I fear I would crush with an embrace. :) Unlike Apollo, who I would pour Hennessy on and …sorry, what?

    Nene – girl, please come heavy this week. You putting me to sleep…

    Kenya – wow, managed to go a whole episode without being the center of cray cray. Saving it up for California, probably.

    Porsha – OMG…there should be an 800 number every time she is on screen. That number needs to be linked to child endangerment services, a locksmith and fire and rescue. And Kordell’s “me Tarzan, you Jane” act is getting old. I know that she could get lost in a parked car, but you do not want to have to share custody of the chanel bags, okaaaay? Be nice… :)

  5. 5
    makmck77
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 8:51 am

    omg!! hilarious!!!!! ech sentence was funnier than the last and had me lol-ing! fantastic recap – cant wait to watch the ep!

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @makmck77 Cosign everthing you said.

    I’m a total @L Boogie fangirl from the 1st recap of hers I ever read!

  7. 7
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    “I can’t pay attention to men with smaller waistlines than me.”

    AMEN! Back to reading…

  8. 8
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Dammit! I posted a comment one page before seeing this…

    “And you can always speak for me in the comments. as long as you don’t speak like Phaedra or Porsha.”

    LOL. I solemnly swear to NEVER speak like Phaedra OR Porsha! I’d have to wash my own mouth out with soap.

  9. 9
    nativepeach
    Posted February 20, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Hilarious recap! Loved all the Pootie Tang references (side note – did ANYONE know that Pootie Tang was written and directed by Louis C.K.?? “I gots to say “na, nay, no…”)

    You were not exaggerating at all about how Porsha was handling that baby, bless her simple little heart. Right again about Chef Roble. I’d break his tiny ass in two! I wonder if that was the night Phaedra got knocked up… I’m another non-fan of Kandi’s singing. She needs to stick to producing. Boris sure is lovely to look at, but he dropped the ball with both his attire, and hosting skills. Disappointing. Not at all surprised that it was another fiasco for Cynthia. And, I thought, “Wtf, is she from X-men??” when Porsha introduced her niece. Too funny!

    I’m expecting some kind of drama next week because things have been getting really boring lately. Your recaps are far more entertaining.

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