They discuss Kenya and Cynthia also makes the mistake of calling her Kendra and they keep calling her Miss America. I’m willing to bet that there will be a statement out by 10PM ET tonight to disclaim her as one of their own. It was Miss USA people! You know Donald Trump loves all things Kenya related! Cynthia proclaims on film that Kenya is not welcome back to The Bailey School of Irish Creme for Wee Lasses. Phaedra says that there’s two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. Ugh, a true southern belle always takes a simple saying and stretches it into a length worthy of a Bible verse.
Phaedra: My momma always said that a bird in the hand is worth two of the very same birds in a peach tree dripping with succulent nectar on a warm summer day.
Kim and Kroy are on a house boat for her birthday. I wonder if they’re on Lake Havasu with Vicky Gunvalson. Kim says that she appreciates it but she doesn’t even like to leave her house, not even to get food. It’s not noble, she’s just scared the sheriff will chain the doors. Kroy tries to convince her that she needs to let up on her wants so that they can, you know, not be homeless. Kim responds that the only way she can get what she wants is to build it. So this is the secret to marriage! Husband gives practical idea, wife ignores it in favor of her outlandish goals and desire to learn what bankruptcy really feels like. They will most likely move back to the townhouse which might as well be Syria the way they’re discussing it. He gives her her birthday present which is jewelry she wore at her wedding. I guess it was a really expensive piece that they borrowed but now it’s been purchased. Take 10,000 feet off that dream home.
Kim: So you’re just gonna eat the last corn fritter?
Kroy: But you ate 11.
Kim: I can’t eat any less than 12 corn fritters. How am I going to have enough energy to pass KJ off to the nanny?
Walter, Walter, Walter. I love this man. He reminds me of every boyfriend who ever went home to meet Cliff Huxtable. He’s dimwitted, perplexed and out of his league. I guess they’re having breakfast because they keep discussing Kenya’s eggs. Kenya refers to him as him simple, uncomplicated and unlike others she’s dated. So, he’s the Black Forrest Gump. Actually, that would be Bubba. He’s Bubba. He likes his eggs with shrimp. Kenya asks about his skeletons. As anyone can see, it’s buried beneath 225 pounds and a timeless mini fro. As far as women, he tells her that he asked out Kandi but she shot him down.
“So you asked her out because you were attracted to her?”
“Ummm, yeah ya crazy bitch.”
That’s what he wanted to say but he didn’t want to get castrated before the meal. Kenya says that because Kandi rejected him, Kandi will always have it in her back pocket that she got to reject Kenya’s man.
“She got a big ass and I know you like that.”
“I wasn’t exactly attracted to her dainty eating skils.”
He asks why she’s talking so loudly and she proceeds to lower her voice and repeat the same crazy thing even slower as if it will sound more sane. It doesn’t Kenya. Hate to say it but I know what she means and that frightens me. I had a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend and it took me a couple of hours to get the crazy to subside but I was 23 so Kenya should probably have this sort of thing out of her system. Kenya is so upset that she wants her food to go. Walt is in shock. He’s also had like 3 triple shots so he’s probably pretty drunk too. She goes to the restroom while muttering “this is some bulls***” Walter drinks more. When she returns, he finally smartens up and makes a comment along the lines of he likes chocolate skin. Apparently, that is the best way to end a Kenya argument. Compare her to a piece of food, no pork products or candy, and hope for the best. Walt lives another day!
Kandi and Todd are at home fixing the place up and Phaedra stops by for a visit. The couple has a dog and they’re such great friends that Phaedra is unaware of this fact. Kandi, likewise, has violated her friendship contract by not knowing that Phaedra was bitten by a dog right before she graduated law school. I’ve heard this story so many times that I’m starting to wonder if it never happened and Phaedra just likes to remind people that she is an attorney whenever she is in the proximity of living animals.
Phaedra: I think your dog nipped my hip. He might have to be put down. I know a good pet mortician. I’ll just leave my card.
Kandi is shocked to find out that Phaedra went to the gym with Nene and she says that they’ve come a long way. Kandi thinks that the problems they had were not that long ago. She’s even more surprised to find out that she and Kim have been invited to Nene’s event. I’m still shocked that Kim meets the qualifications to attend.
It’s party time! Remember when half the season would be dedicated just to planning an event like this? Things move a lot quicker now that DeShawn Snow doesn’t need a storyline. Nene is running late, like two hours late, because of a wardrobe malfunction. Do veneers count as wardrobe? Kim gets there about an hour late because of ”traffic” and is ready to leave ten minutes later. It is obnoxious to start an event late but Kim literally gives twenty two different reasons as to why she has to leave. Her nanny can’t stay late, Kroy has a team dinner, she has to attend a team dinner, she has to meet with Michael Lohan, she’s missing out on cigarette time and she can’t be at parties with less than 47,000 square feet of room for Sweetie to roam. I didn’t realize it until Kandi pointed it out but Kim is good for skipping events entirely or leaving after a few minutes.
Kim casually slips out of the party and is ready to leave when Nene bumps into her and asks her to stay. Kim says she can’t because she’s a volunteer firefighter and has to be on call in case war breaks out in Mesopotamia. Or something like that. By the way, how is Sweetie allowed into this event? Is she successful at not being fired this week? Nene keeps asking Kim to stay and even tells Sweetie that she looks nice. Kim says that she’s going to the restroom but instead gets her car and leaves.
Back at the party, the others realize that Kim has skipped out on them again. Nene makes her grand entrance which ended up being pretty average and then Cynthia makes a speech celebrating Nene’s success. Kenya proceeds to get the microphone and starts the speech by saying “enough of the clown show….” If you ever doubted that she was Miss America and not Miss USA, that opening said it all. That was straight out of Trump University. She tells the women to be kind, support each other, spay and neuter your pets etc… What is it with these two women and mics?
“That was great Kenya. I’d like to add that I believe the children are the future. We should teach them well and let them lead the way.”
“Oh, like the way you lead your daughter out of school.”
“We should show them all the beauty they possess inside.”
“Is that where you’re hiding it? That advice will come in handy for your trashy students too.”
“Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.”
“I don’t need a reminder. I still have my crown, magazine covers and SAG card. Thanks for coming and good night.”
Cynthia: Excuse me, this is my event. Thank you for coming and good night.
Nene: What in the hell is going on here?
Woman in background: Good call on the open bar.
Afterwards, Kenya calls Nene over and asks that she not judge her on the argument with Cynthia. Cynthia jumps in and says that Nene won’t do that. Kenya asks if she’s Nene’s talking head. Cynthia says that she’s a pretty talking head but not just a head. Nene says in her interview that Cynthia knows how to read people. Not read a book but read a person. That’s Miss Lawrence talk for telling someone off in a discreet way. Then Cynthia asks what year Kenya was Miss America and was it before or after Vanessa Williams. That would have been more effective if she had the right damn pageant. Also, Cynthia looked silly because as Kenya pointed out everyone knows Vanessa Williams was the first Black Miss America. I’m sure Cynthia was making a point of Kenya’s age. Or maybe she was making a point of Vanessa being more successful than Kenya. Or maybe she was making the point that Kenya needs a new accomplishment to tout. Or maybe she was saying that no one even remembers because she’s so irrelevant. Cynthia kind of sucks at this. Also, is this what attractive people do on weekends? It’s like a grown up version of “I know you are but what am I” but less mature and not as sexy. Mmmm, Pee Wee Herman. I have weird crushes and that’s why I’m single. More importantly, I know Bravo must be mad…
All these women and not one got thrown in the pool.
So what did you think? I was actually hoping for a mini Nene and Kim reunion. We still have that lunch coming up at some point this season. Next week, Kim talks about ripping up flowers at the house, Porsha shows up and Phaedra readies her donkey booty workout tape. By the by, it’s so funny that donkey booties are all the rage on RHOA and then 4 minutes later concave butts are celebrated on RHOM. Perspective is everything.