When we come back, things are lightened up. Lisa’s putting up a new gate to keep those horrible children from coming over and asking for candy every year. Just spray some Raid in their faces. Works at my house. Word spreads quickly. I haven’t had a knock in years.
Eye covering. Smart. KIDS TODAY!
Old Fartin Martin is there for a silent faht off with the still in bed Ken, who keeps calling to ask Lisa to bring him things. Lisa says that she’s already sick of waiting on him hand and foot. Wait a decade, girl. You’ll be cleaning up puddles and wiping his bum. Enjoy him before you need a mop bucket and a can of Lysol at your bedside. That was depressing. Don’t worry, there’s a happy ending where she gets a looooot of money.
Worth every can.
Twitch goes to pilates with her brats. They’re all going to Vegas for the weekend, and Kim doesn’t know how it’s gonna feel walking past all those slot machines based on past shows she was on. Look! There’s me in I Dream of Jeannie! There’s me in Wheel of Fortune! There’s me in ET! KIM IS AN ICON, DAMMIT! The kids worry that she’s gonna snort Casear’s out of existence, but she says the only thing she wants is a bucket of nickels and a chance to win her house back. Then she stretches more and I laugh really loudly.
She tells us that Kyle can bitch at her all she wants, but as usual, the whole drama was started by Kyle in the first place at dinner when Kyle flat out asked Brandi in front of everyone to give a monologue about why she and Ad don’t get along. The editors throw a clip in there to show us that Twitch is spot on. Really every single argument this season (and one could argue, every argument ever) has been started by Kyle. She’s stirred more pots of shit than a lunch lady in the public school system.
Kyle is at home teaching Portia how to do an impression of Brandi. Every parent needs their kid to have a talent to brag about at parties.
Now say “shut the fuck up” in the middle of dinner.
Kyle’s throwing a dinner party to celebrate her new free dining room, furnished by Cost Plus and Linens and Things. It wouldn’t be a proper episode of RHOBH if Kyle wasn’t scorin’ some free shit off someone. Mauri is upset that Kyle is having Brandi over to their home for dinner after slandering their wonderful, filthy rich friends!! How set up is this scene? Jesus you two, no one’s cutting you off. Stop acting so desperate for Maloof cash. He continues that he’s disgusted by the compulsively lying tramp Brandi, and Kyle is just shocked that he feels this way! Wherever did he get these ideas about Brandi? She tells us that they’re both sad about the open house, but there is nothing they could have done to stop it. There’s something you could have done to NOT START IT, but why mess with a good story?
Mauri wants Brandi disinvited, but “we have more class than that.” Yeah you two can discuss how classy you are on the way to Diving With the Stars rehearsal in the car Benz loaned you for pimping your daughter out for ad time.
Next, Kyle goes to dinner with the morally corrupt, ape faced Faye Resnick. She looks like an Al Herschfeld drawing.
Kyle is suuuuuper busy driving from store to store offering to show products on Bravo, so the convo is short. Kyle’s having a party. Will Faye show up and stab Brandi as many times as possible? Sure! Faye hates Brandi. Why? Because she’s heard all about her from Kyle, of course. Also, Faye has spent the rest of her credit up on facial adobe to get on the show, and here comes this trollop ten years her junior to take her regular Housewife spot. It’s so funny watching Faye roll her eyes and act all high and mighty. You know if someone threw a nickel her way she’d open up her legs to catch it.