This is depressing. Let’s check on Lisa. Ken’s out feeding the swans and walking his next wig.
Lisa comes down and says it’s sweet to see the black ones and the white ones living peacefully together. I think she’s making a bad race joke, but it turns out that the black and white swans hate each other. Just follow humanity’s lead, swans!! Erase your genetic boundaries by interracially dating, making cream colored baby swans, and spending the next few decades complaining about the illegal Mexican swans. It’s a lengthy bonding experience, but totes worth it.
They’re going to Saint Tropez to visit Ken’s first son, who caused an uproar when he started banging one of Lisa’s friends. LOL!! Please bring the cougar onto the show! PLEASE! It will make up for the next five minutes you’re making me sit here to watch Lisa trying on fifty pink dresses.
The Witchards arrive at Fail’s, who informs them that she just got back from her accountant’s so they they remember she’s a victim before they launch into their whole “you still don’t know where your child is” bs.
Twitch sits right down and breaks the ice by suggesting Fail murder some turtles and put them on her wall. Then she says flat out that she recognizes a drunk when she sees one and suggests that Fail get a grip and admit that she had no idea where her child was while she was running off with a married lawyer.
Fail doesn’t drink often, you guys. Only when there are cameras around. Or when she’s happy. Or sad. Or lonely or with friends. Twitch nods stoically and says that at least she didn’t leave her child unattended. You know Teresa is at home blinking really hard right now and texting Andy to send her this bitch’s number so she can drag that storyline into a third straight season of RHONJ.
Fail tells us that she didn’t know where her kid was cuz her mom and her nanny didn’t tell her where she was. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. She doesn’t, interestingly enough, bring up that lie to the Witchards. She starts the fake sobs and says that she drinks cuz she doesn’t know the way she’ll explain to Kennedy how she kinda manipulated her daddy into turning himself into a bloated windsock.
Then, just in case we’re falling for this bs, the editors slip in a montage of Fail being wasted. It’s the best montage I’ve ever seen. It needs to be backed up by “I Love a Parade” to be perfect.