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Naturally this calls for a wedding-caliber cake as a centerpiece in the grand foyer. The cake lady starts throwing out ideas and mentions a Mad Hatter cake, which Heather quickly vetoes because it’s not “inherently her.” No lopsided nonsense – this is a serious party for an ACTRESS. When the lady switches gears to edible diamonds, Heather’s eyes light up. And no one will mug her for her cake if the diamonds aren’t real, right?
Tamra and Eddie land in Bora Bora and board a water taxi where Eddie once again says he has a surprise and Tamra once again gets her finger ready, but he just pulls out a coconut bikini top. He’s deliberately tormenting her. Tamra’s like, “gee thanks.” Naturally they’re staying in an overwater bungalow hut – The Four Seasons knows how to do product placement.
As they wander through their glorious rooms, Tamra cries that she’s never been the girl who thinks she deserves nice things. Oh puh-lease. That is nothing but a perfect set up to be rescued by shallow rich guy after shallow rich guy. And look – it’s worked three times! Hey… I’m starting to think that I don’t deserve nice things and it’s making me want to cry. Anyone? Anyone?
Hi Gretchen! Nice to see you this episode. Gretchen calls her dad from her car to tell him she stumbled across a text message on Slade’s phone from Newport Jewelers. You KNOW that text was telling him to quit asking if they could put fake diamonds into their rings and accept an IOU.
Gretchen’s dad says that he told Slade he didn’t think it was a good idea to propose given his current financial situation, but if Gretchen is worried she should probably talk to Slade.
Bora Bora Proposal Fakeout Number Three is dinner on the beach wearing matching white outfits. Tamra keeps trying to fill the silence with exclamations of awe about her surroundings. Try talking again about how you don’t feel like you deserve anything nice, Tamra. Eddie gives speeches about the importance of communication and looking forward to combining their lives by moving in together. Tamra keeps looking at the food and the glasses trying to spot a hidden diamond while giving one word answers. With no proposal in sight, she reminds Eddie that she’s always said she wanted a ring before she’d move in with him. Eddie tells her to forget about tradition because he’s happy with things the way they are. Tamra realizes he’s not going to make with the ring, so she holds back tears and gulps down water.
At Gretchen’s house, Slade is playing Solitaire on Gretchen’s computer and she asks if they can have a conversation about this text she accidentally saw. Is Slade planning to propose? With a fake diamond? Slade snaps that yes he is! Cubic zirconia reduces your risk of being a robbery victim! Gretchen reminds him that they’ve discussed a lengthy list of things that need to happen before they can broach the topic of marriage and she doesn’t appreciate Slade discussing this with her dad and Heather before he’s made any kind of headway on his problems. Slade finally screams, “Then say no!” Wow, who doesn’t wish for a boyfriend like this? Slade yells that he has been trying to improve his finances by working all of these jobs, not to mention assisting Gretchen. Gretchen yells back that she’s told him a thousand times to stop trying to assist her! She doesn’t need any more bedazzled t-shirts or Google lists! What she needs is a copy of a bank statement that’s not in the red! Slade says he’s busy practicing his comedy – it’s not like he just hangs out with his feet up. Gretchen reminds him that she’d like to have a child before she’s 90 and at this rate it’s not going to happen with Slade.