Slade says all he wants is to use an engagement ring to tell Gretchen that she’s the one he wants to be with, okay? Is that so hard to understand? He’s just trying to do something super nice and here’s Gretchen crapping all over his plan. When Gretchen realizes that Slade is open to just giving her fake jewelry without demanding any type of actual commitment, she is touched and tears up, telling him she wants to be with him too. Slade says good, now can he get back to his game?
And back in French Polynesia, Tamra has decided that Ring Watch is ruining her vacation so she’s just going to chill out and overcome her fear of SCUBA diving. Sure. A hot French guy is the SCUBA instructor and Eddie seriously contemplates chucking it all to run away with him. Tamra’s busy contemplating what’s going to happen to her weave and fake lashes when she jumps into the water and is confronted with her actual appearance. This trip comes dangerously close to ending right here, right now.
Wheels are turning…
But both Tamra and Eddie manage to pull themselves together and dive. They find oysters (and keep calling them clams) and collect them to take them back to the hotel and see if any of them have pearls in them. Searching for precious stones inside of crustaceans? No way has Tamra wiped Ring Watch from her mind.
Let’s check back in with Humpty Dumpty and his brand new veneers. We get a subscript telling us that Brooks’s new teeth cost Vicki a cool 15 grand. Oh yeah, Brooks is totally in this for love. And wouldn’t that 15 grand be better off invested in Vicki’s retirement?
“Brooks actually thought you still made fake teeth out of gold! When he found out he was just getting porcelain he tried to steal my car! I’ve never been so happy!”
Okay, let’s open the freaking “clams.” Everyone grab your straw fedora and take a seat. Tamra goes to war with a knife trying to pry an oyster open and doesn’t find anything inside. She’s about to scream at Eddie that he’s wasted a perfectly beautiful trip to paradise by NOT including a very large engagement ring after Tamra finalized her divorce and everything, when Eddie hands her a fake oyster and says she doesn’t need a knife to open this one. Tamra just about craps her bikini bottoms when there is a huge diamond ring inside. Like she’s really so surprised.
She starts hyperventilating and sobbing. What’s a girl to do on this, the advent of her third engagement to be married? She screams that it’s about time, then tells us she totally deserves this after all she’s been through over the past three years. Uh huh, the truth comes out, Miss I-don’t-feel-I-deserve-nice-things. Then she holds up her finger and says, “I got the ring, bitches!” Eddie is proud to have such a modest demure lady for his beard.
Eddie: “My parents won’t catch on for at least a few years!”
Next week! Brooks pays Vicki back for his veneers with a hundred dollar fake fur coat. Heather’s very important cake goes terribly, terribly wrong, Jeana makes an appearance at the party and Drunk Sara is back with a fake fur of her own.
What did you all think of Eddie’s proposal? Were you taken completely by surprise like Tamra?
I can’t watch this love fest without always remembering that there is no “us” without “u,” beloved readers.
Late one afternoon in 2005, Honey Gangsta received an invite to join a two person blog set up by her former roommate who had recently ditched LA (California knows how to party) for the bright lights of NYC (these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you). The purpose of the blog was to continue their nightly ritual of ripping on reality TV, which could no longer be done in person. Since Honey Gangsta was still watching 18 hours of TV a day and had nothing else to do, she agreed. 10,000 hits later, HG was inspired to submit a Bachelor recap to TVgasm - no one was reporting on Officer Mayo and his time traveling DeLorean - and the rest is history. It's been said that she writes what you're thinking. It's been said she is a genius - a Blogger Laureate of her time. It's also been said that the earth is flat and no one landed on the moon, so you just never know. With her keen observations, and colorful commentary, Honey Gangsta is beloved the world over.