Previously on the Real Housewives of Orange County, everyone went to Vegas where Gretchen proved to America that she absolutely can not sing – not even a really easy song with strippers pulling attention away from her voice. And where Briana secretly got married at a chapel with a drive-through window. We left Vicki just before her head exploded upon hearing the news.
Tonight we join Tamra and Vicki shopping for lingerie. Ugh, do we really have to see this? Who wants to watch grandmas shopping for underwear?
“And I’ve been using fake fur to make my boobs look bigger, but I’ve got to change my clothes eventually, right?”
Oh, but I forgot there is an important issue at hand, which is that since Tamra has had her implants removed, she needs to be fitted for a brand new bra! And since Vicki’s never had a special fitting, she’s going to get one too! Vicki tells the lady with the tape measure that she doesn’t want a pointy bra; she wants to look natural. Vicki, you’re not being measured for a “Mad Men” costume. I think you’ll be all right. It turns out that Vicki is a double F and Tamra is a D. And that’s post-implant removal. Whenever I see professional bra fittings on TV people are told they’re way bigger than they think. It never sounds right. Do the pro bra fitters have their own scale? Either way, Vicki is offended because she doesn’t even think she’s a D.
“My new boyfriend hates boobs. HATES them. So I made mine smaller.”
Once they get their bras squared away, they wander into the sexy lingerie section, which is just gross. Tamra suggests Vicki gets something for Briana’s honeymoon, and Vicki gets all fidgety. Tamra says she thinks that with all of the things going on in Briana’s life with her parents and her health, she may be reaching for something that just isn’t right. Who can blame her? Also, it makes total sense that Ryan would want to get married after being deployed. Isn’t that pretty common for military guys? Wanting to form strong connections at home? Anyway, all Vicki cares about is that Briana’s eloping is making her look tired and sloppy. Also that it robs her of the chance to be the overbearing mother of the bride. Tamra points out that this is Briana’s decision and she’s the one who has to live with it. How is Tamra the voice of reason here?
Over at Gretchen’s, Slade is doing the world a disservice by donning spandex biking shorts. Gretchen is taking a curling iron to her extensions and brilliantly deduces that Slade is going for a bike ride. She’s on her way to lunch with Tamra and wishes that Slade and Tamra would just become besties already.
Slade’s biking buddy for the afternoon is Scott, Gretchen’s dad. I can’t believe her parents even speak to Slade. Slade tells Scott he wants his permission to propose to Gretchen. This again? Doesn’t this come up a lot? It’s like Slade gets worried that he’ll get the axe when casting for next season comes around, so he makes sure to pretend to have honorable intentions every now and then. Then never does anything about it except charge Gretchen for his time. Scott reminds Slade that he’s broke, a deadbeat dad, and America’s most hated man and that there’s no way his daughter is going to legally take all that on.
“I mean, no offense, Slade. But you’re a total loser.”
He advises Slade to get his crap in order so that maybe somewhere down the line he’ll have a chance at making a serious candidate for a husband. I’m sure none of this will register with Slade.
At lunch with Tams and Gretch, serious cocktails are ordered and Tamra confides in Gretchen about wanting to open a fitness studio. She stresses that it’s not a gym – it will just be a place to attend group classes. A STUDIO. Gretchen says that’s cool, then Tamra tells us she’s glad Gretchen is supportive about her gym. HA!
“So if it’s not a gym, but it’s a gym, can I get a gym membership to your gym?”