Tamra asks about Slade, and Gretchen spills her guts about all of Slade’s debt and how she loves him to death, but she doesn’t want to marry him and assume responsibility for all of the financial messes he’s made. Basically, she’s not interested in getting married. It’s enough to just let him leech off of her without making herself legally obligated.
And back to Vicki, who of course can’t apply her own makeup, so she’s telling her makeup artist that she and Tamra have launched a Wine of the Month club and they’re having a party to launch it tonight. Wow, how original of them. It’s not even like they’re making their own wine, like Ramona. Just giving people the chance to send them money to pick out a bottle of wine for them to drink each month. And since Vicki’s still mad that she didn’t get to wear a gown to her daughter’s wedding, she’s made the launch party a formal event. AKA, Briana’s not-reception. In fact one of Vicki’s major plans for the evening is to announce the wedding to her friends and accept their good wishes (you know, like a receiving line). The other thing she’s squeezing in is introducing Brooks to both of her children, who frankly aren’t interested in meeting him.
Briana and Ryan are at their place getting ready for their not-reception.
“Honey, you look beautiful in your not-wedding dress.”
Briana tells us how weird she thinks her mother’s relationship with Brooks is. She says that Vicki had barely filed for divorce when she announced to Briana that she was in love. And no one knows anything about him. No one knows what he does for work, he’s never with his kids who live in Mississippi – he’s always here with Vicki, he drives Vicki’s car around, and she’s bought him a whole new wardrobe. Briana sums it up – he seems like an opportunist. But Briana, he sends your mother daily affirmations – doesn’t that count for anything? I mean, he has to have a legitimate job and life as well?
“So then Tamra and I got our boobs measured, but I was on my period and I think that makes them bigger, don’t you? I mean, double F? I’m not even a D. Anyway, my ungrateful brat of a daughter…”
Vicki’s still yammering to the makeup girl about how rock solid her relationship with Briana has always been and we’re treated to flashbacks of them fighting over the years. Well, more like Vicki annoying the crap out of Briana and Briana heroically clinging to sanity. And Vicki goes on and on about how she hasn’t been able to sleep, she can’t eat, she can’t concentrate, she can’t do ANYTHING. Interestingly, we hear nothing about her concern for what all of this could mean for Briana. Only her concern about how it’s put a damper on Vicki’s week. And with her big launch party! How could Briana be so inconsiderate?
Let’s go to the launch party! Tamra is first to arrive and she’s wearing a red dress that looks very similar to the one Briana was getting into. As her date Tamra has brought her bearded son, Ryan. He’s a sketchball. With his sketchy job and his empty big boy apartment. Gretchen and Slade arrive – not engaged.
I’m sure France would be pleased to know that their flag is being denigrated in this manner.
And soon Heather and Terry follow. Tamra’s glad to see Terry because she wants a free consultation on getting her “Simon” tattoo cut out of her ring finger. She’s got another marriage to get on with. Oh that’s right! Terry is a plastic surgeon! I had forgotten. Vicki’s son Mike shows up to his sister’s formal not-wedding in jeans and a button-down. That’s funny. Brooks immediately pulls Mike out onto the balcony to bond. He tells Mike they have a lot in common, that Brooks really appreciates the support Mike has been to Vicki over the last few years, and how about that sneaky Briana running off to get married!? Mike goes, “I don’t really want to be doing this right now,” and walks back inside.
“So I’m the guy who’s been banging your mom! Gosh it’s great to meet you!”