While he does this Tamra talks about how she needs to move her kids in with Eddie because it’s about time they had a stable factor in their lives, right? Please just remember to ta-ttoo Eddies name along your collarbone first because this time it’s for reals.
Oh, let’s check in on Vicki and see how terrible her life is today. Her brother Billy is in her kitchen and they discuss – again – Briana’s grand betrayal.
“Having my mother-of-the-bride gown custom designed would have made such a great spin-off series. Can’t Briana ever think of others?”
Vicki tells in disbelief how Briana thinks she’s still going to get a full blown wedding with the white dress and everything. Of course, what Briana really deserves is to be banished for life from the gated communities of Orange County. Unless she decides to accept Brooks, of course. After that she can come back home – but still no wedding. Billy wants to know if it’s going to be weird to have both Brooks and Donn at the wedding, if there is a wedding. Vicki says it won’t be weird because Donn knows the score. He let her go and Brooks picked her up. As if Vicki is some hot commodity.
And it’s time for the puppy princess party. Remember Shannon? Alexis’s makeup girl / hired friend? Well she’s here this morning to put makeup on the twins who are turning four. It’s not a children’s birthday party until little girls look like trashy hookers! Alexis watches and keeps egging Shannon on to put MORE makeup on the toddlers. It’s never too early!
“Mastering this technique will get you lots of presents, honey.”
To emphasize the puppy theme Alexis has arranged to have a puppy adoption take place at her house. I’m certain that each puppy is the son or daughter of the King and Queen Dog. Alexis talks about her birthday parties from when she was little and how she’d have a couple of friends over and her mom would make a cake from a box. Oh, and how she thought those were the best parties ever. Guess what, Brainiac. Your children would think the SAME THING! You think they’re going to even remember their fourth birthday party? You could have saved yourself a ton of money, an airbrush tan, and a team of 50 laborers and those little girls would have been every bit as happy. You could have even painted their faces yourself.
Let’s take a detour over to Billionaire’s Row, where Gretchen is stopping by to take a look at Heather’s mansion. They walk past the monogrammed marble floor and sit down in the lounge area of Heather’s bathroom where Heather offers Gretchen champagne. I wonder if Heather ever leaves this preening area of her house. I guess she does venture to the office sometimes to make phone calls. Heather asks Gretchen about her relationship with Slade and Gretchen tells Heather what she told Tamra last week – that she doesn’t want to assume Slade’s financial disasters by getting married. Heather panics and asks Gretchen if Slade knows this. Does he understand that Gretchen’s not interested in getting married? Gretchen’s like, I think so, why? What did he tell you? Heather gulps.
“How do you feel about stainless steel and cubic zirconia?”
Gretchen says she thinks that she and Slade need counseling and that she’s told him she wants to be pregnant by the time she’s 35 or 36 (she’s 34 now). So that means he’d have to straighten out a lot of things immediately. Gretchen cries and says she can’t imagine being without Slade, but she doesn’t know what to do with his giant messes. Heather strongly recommends the counseling. When you’re bawling about the havoc your boyfriend has reeked upon the lives of others, this may not be a good time to be thinking about getting pregnant.
And back to the party where princess puppies are peeing all over Alexis’s house and ALEXIS is wearing a crown. She brags to us that she found princess actors online to hire for the party. See? She really CAN do it all! Please. We all know Assistant Christina Googled those princesses and reserved them. Alexis can’t even turn a computer on. Small toddlers begin to arrive dressed as princesses, and then Alexis’s son James rings a bell and announces the entrance of his sisters. But before they can descend the staircase triumphantly, Alexis decides that now would be an appropriate time to make a speech about the graphic details of the twins’ birth. She goes on and on to her audience of small children and their parents about how she almost died of a pulmonary embolism and how she was strung out on Demerol and Morphine and that’s what this celebration is all about! Alexis risking her life so that she could have little girls to put makeup on and the neighbors could have this party to come to. The kids look completely bored and the parents look completely mortified.
“Where the hell are the princess puppies?”